letting go

yesterday i decided to call chris to wish him a merry xmas. he had his newphew screen the phone call and make up a bullshit excuse when he realized it was me. ..."ouch" is the only thing i could say. i was like, damn, four years together and you can't even answer the phone yourself? ...this past week, especially, i kept thinking about how things had ended between the two of us... i guess between school and being in a new relationship i hadn't allowed myself the time to proccess all that had happened. i felt guilty... i kept wondering how i was going to "get over him," but that in itself was confusing for me... see, i wasn't not-"over him"... i don't love him anymore and i certainly don't want him back. so then i thought maybe it was that i was still attached to the concept of our relationship. but that wasn't quite true either. sure i could think of the good times, but the foundation of my relationship with him was built upon this inner feeling that we wouldn't make it - a feeling i secretly had had since the beginning. moving to austin made me acknowledge it. meeting martin gave me the courage to end it knowing that i was denying myself something stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling... and yesterday, after being hurt when he refused to talk to me, i realized what it was: i wanted his forgiveness for hurting him. yes, he hurt me several times over- and that's partially why i ended it- but i had already forgiven him. i wanted HIM to forgive ME. of course, this is stupid for two reasons. one is the obvious- i broke up with him because he is immature and selfish- clearly, he hasn't been overcome by feelings of guilt for what he did to me. he only wanted to "make things right" so he could be happy again. second, i can't expect him to forgive me for breaking up with him. i realize this now. i guess i thought becoming friends would signal that he had forgiven me. but if we were capable having a successful friendship we never would have broken up in the first place. so it's over. i'm not a part of his life anymore. he's not a part of mine. i'm letting go...and i'm ok with that.

before i reflect on the year 2005 (we still have a few days left)... i vow to leave my grudges behind with this day. life is too short, fragile, and valuable to waste it being mad at people. just one moment of anger/frustration/resentment is a moment that could be spent pursuing happiness... xmas is in less than two hours and the 10 o'clock news lists multiple people who have died today. i can only think of what their families must be going through...which is why i'm going to let go.

the day after

yesterday was amanda's funeral. it finally hit me that she's gone... sort of. we sat in the church and sang songs together, watching her family to see how they were doing and thinking of the incredible person we had all lost. and she was amazing. the priest came to the podium and began speaking by saying "amanda was full of life..." that hit me hard, speaking of someone in past tense, thinking of someone being full of life no longer... but it was so true. she did everything hard, laughed hard, cried hard, partied hard, and loved her friends and family... it's interesting what people remember about you when you've died. her sorority sisters from college talked about how she knew everyone on campus during undergrad. that she maintained her competetive edge even in intramural volleyball. that she was always on the phone and always up for a party. how she would drunk-dial her parents and friends. her closest friends from highschool remembered school dances and our trip to greece. how incredibly outgoing and caring for everyone she knew. ... if there's one thing i want to take away from this it's to take time to live it up NOW; not to wait until i have enough money or more time or have finished the semester. cause, honestly, i'm not worried about not having done enough before i die - clearly i won't be thinking about it then. what i don't want to happen is to live another ten, twenty years and look back on my life thinking, damn, i wasted so much time waiting for it to be the "right time."

to amanda

my plane got into chicago yesterday at 10:30am. i got home at 12:00. i found out that amanda died at 12:05... life is crazy. i hadn't talked to her in almost a year, yet last week (december 8) she sent me a message on facebook asking if i was coming home during the break. i told her i was, and she gave me her cell number. it's still in my phone... i was telling my friend about my facebook conversation with amanda the other day. i was looking forward to our meeting- i wanted to see what type of person she had become... i've known amanda since sixth grade. she was this loud, bossy girl who was, perhaps too serious about basketball and volleyball (i sucked at both but played anyway). i remember her crush on jonathan taylor thomas. i remember her obsession with jimmy buffet. the infamous trip to greece during our junior year. yearbook drama that she always managed to stay out of. the tea party i threw a month before we all started college. when i think of amanada, all i see is a tall, thin girl with bright eyes and a huge smile. i can still hear her voice. but what i can't see is her not being here. i think that it's only now beginning to hit me. she died two nights ago driving home in the snow. this is unreal... everytime i think of her being gone i have to think to something else. i don't know what to take away from this; i only think of what her parent must being going through. what her sisters have to come home to. and then i wonder what to do with myself. what do you do when your childhood friend dies? you go on of course, but doing what? setting up for xmas parties (as i had to do yesterday)? watch tv? buy presents? go shopping? when nakia died i learned to stop taking everything for granted. today i'm in disbelief. this is bullshit. life is incredible.

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so i've been working on this paper since thursday night and i now have -ya'll ready?- nine fucking pages... i'm so tired of staring at this screen that i have a headache and my mind has become numb. i just want to pack my bags and get on a plane to go home. i don't even care that it's thirty degrees (yes thirty) colder and there is snow everywhere. i just want to get out of austin and away from these books and not have to think about papers or grades or classes or jobs or the next five-six years of my life for a pitiful salary... i just wanna go home...

so i recognize that there is such a thing as property. legally "it" is not mine/ours... why the hell wouldn't you tell somebody in the first place? ok... no, it's not ours, but what about intellectual property? what about the fact that my blood, sweat, and tears will be on display across the country and i won't even know about it... i'm beyond pissed