had a long talk with three black women last week. mental note: don't ever let so much time without surrounding myself with black women again.

five days into my temp gig working nights. everytime i try to hate it i look around at the people twice my age who never went to school. another reason to work harder.

yesterday, while at work, i heard this rock song about this guy whose friends had died. i started thinking about the people my age who haven't made it this far: josie freshman year; rachel's brother sophomore year; chris and tyler junior year; nate, nekia, amanda... way too many. and i know that they certainly didn't wake up counting down the hours. so i figured, either i could focus on hating life in austin, this shitty (but privileged) process of graduate school, and working nights for only three weeks, or i could be happy that i am independent, surrounding by wonderful people, and earning money. so now i'm trying to stop taking myself so seriously... again

i'm bored here in austin. and, after a summer of feeling unsettled and lonely, after a year of feeling out of place, i'm starting to wonder if i'm where i'm supposed to be. what part of the process is this? am i constantly doubting my current position because this is not the path i'm supposed to be following? or is it just a challenge to test my endurance and motivation? i keep thinking about my classes that are to begin in a few weeks, and i'm far from excited. my friends are beginning to come back, and i just want to hide. i don't want to be reminded of school. i don't want to think about being intimidated by professors, of racing to stay on top of my work and never being satisfied with my progress. grad school is a horrible, horrible process... and yet i'm privileged to be provided with a part-time job that pays my rent and spend my days reading.

i think that i might be taking on too much job-wise, but my almost negative bank account has me feeling the need to rebuild the cushion that allows me to sleep well at night. i'll never get used to being broke.

maybe i just need a break from austin, but i hesitate to move. i always fear that my "breaks" from a space in which i'm unhappy are actually an escape, leaving me back in my original place of discontent upon returning... maybe even a bit unhappier. which brings me to capitalism and shopping. the concept of vacations are interesting... most people who vacation save money that they earn at jobs that they hate, to get away from the jobs that they hate and live in a temporary space of non-reality (not the life that they hate), only to return to the job that they hate. what's the point? why not find a job that provides pleasure, and use vacations to gain perspective that will enhance rest of their life... or am i being idealistic. why do we work? why not sacrifice the job that pays a lot of money and sacrifice material needs. or better yet, why not recognize that material "needs" deepen our unhappiness... now i am being idealistic. if anyone has any insight, help me out...

Friday

so i've been trying to get my hustle on. i'm going to be a TA in the fall, but to make sure that i could pay ALL of the bills (since my TA salary just won't cut it), i went out and got a second job... or three... i've applied for this temp overnight position at the campus bookstore that, if i get it, will put an extra $800 or so in my pocket. i've started training for a desk clerk position at the la quinta inn where i'll be working weekends. finally, i've just been accepted to the americorps college forward program. this is what i'm most excited about- i get to help gear high school students towards preparing for and applying to colleges. am i crazy to be taking all of this on with a full course load, yes. but, the hotel job should provide me with 3-4 hours each shift with nothing to do other than read... and if it becomes too much i can always stop working... meanwhile, i've got bills to pay...