okay, so... time to introduce my love interest to the blog... (this is a bit scary)

well, i met a man almost two months ago. i was about five weeks out of my previous relationship... finally at peace with being single again but not yet looking for something new. open to making friends. happy with the occasional flirtatious exchange. enjoying the company of girlfriends and beginning (very much beginning) to consider life as an adventure (a passion that gradually had been lost during '09).

i was at salsa night. running late to the 9:30 lesson as usual. wearing jeans and a green top. i felt super cute. and i was super happy. everyone at the lesson paired up and took turns rotating so that we could practice the new steps as we got to know each other. and i remember meeting him. i think we were learning the "ladies turn." he had this sparkle in his eye - a rare sweet innocence from a person happy and fully open to meeting another. i thought he was cute... but i left it at that.

i remember talking to him briefly later that night. my friend was excited that he planned to visit the Dominican Republic this summer -- a country she soon plans to visit for research. the three of us got to talking about him being new in town and wanting to meet new people. we invited him to happy hour and exchanged numbers. and i left that night happy to having made a new friend.

but the friends thing didn't last very long... i slowly (very slowly) realized that he had become interested in me... and quickly became interested in him... realized from our conversations what i had been missing in my previous relationship - someone who was spiritual, driven, happy, and passionate about life. i found myself excited about experiencing things with him, like watching our favorite movies together, visiting new places, and creating adventures.

i pushed him away because i was afraid of being hurt and hurting him. my ex was still looming in the background and everything just felt so messy and complicated. then i decided to take the first step towards bravery - ended things with my ex for good and opened myself to the possibility of someone new...

i admire his bravery for wanting to spend time with me - a very confused woman still letting go of my baggage from past relationships (and working very hard not to make him suffer for it), terrified of getting hurt, and constantly questioning my own judgement. but i am also inspired to return to the hopeless romantic self that i was a year ago. i want love and i want to build a foundation with someone. i want to embrace my idealistic leanings and to let go of my worries and insecurities... i want to be brave enough to trust and to fall deeply into love...

last weekend, while at my house, i looked into his eyes and felt love... all-consuming, blind to the world's pain, and deeply fulfilling love. it was so intense that i felt myself overcome with emotion. i turned away, tempted to cry to release it all... but i didn't cry, and that split second scared the shit out of me.

there are aspects of connecting with another human being that i had all but forgotten until meeting him: gazing into a person's eyes, being unapologetically affectionate, having emotional security, and trusting a person's words (because what do words mean if you instantly second guess them?). this process has me slowly becoming the person that i want to be in love, and i want only to embrace it fully - without fears- so that i can savor each moment.

erykah and janelle have reinvented music again... why aren't people dancing in the streets?

i'm just not where i used to be... i'm somewhere better. reflecting. rethinking. (re)imagining.

the sky is blue and again. fresh-cut grass and flowers smell. food tastes beautifully complex. music takes a good mood to the next level.

i can get high off the energy of other people.

i feel like a babe learning to walk. i am cautious, but curious and excited. and - slowly - i'm learning to be optimistic about love again.

i told him that i didn't believe we could be together without me being in pain. part of me doubts myself; another part knows that - at least for now - i did what i had to do... i had worked hard to pull myself out of the depression that our relationship had brought on. and i had become well again... learned to be happy even. and, for the first time in months, i was having fun and embracing life as an adventure without feeling the pressures of getting married or having babies. i was caught up in the moment of life and it felt good. ...then he showed up expecting things to resolve as normal. not only was i not ready; i had begun to expect other things in a relationship (like adventure, being happy with life, being spiritual rather than a sarcastic atheist)... and i couldn't "go back." so we fought for more than two weeks. and i got fed up with trying to communicate my needs (like prove to me that you want me in your life by making time to take me out on a date). he wouldn't. i got fed up. and by the time that he realized he was being selfish - it was too late. so now i'm on to reclaiming my happiness and enjoying the beauty of being alive and wonderful at 26. i am in the hands of God and the universe. pray for me, lol.

more and more each day i recognize the power of communication. funny as it may sound, i am beginning to understand that you have to TELL people what you are thinking... what you are feeling. you teach people how to treat you - good or bad. you connect with other people by sharing your feelings.

i have been (am) on a journey. my purpose: to deal with the discomfort of confronting emotions, and the guilt of refusing to address them with those closest to me. PDSs (public displays of sappiness) have always made me cringe. i allowed myself to cry only during "appropriate" moments - sad movies, oprah, funerals, etc. i have long valued being rational rather than emotional. and it's taken me 26 years to be able to use the words "it hurt me"... if only with myself.

i am learning that being emotional does not make me weak... nor does it lead to any embarrassing moments in front of my friends or family. rather, it's a necessary way to connect with myself and others. more importantly, "being emotional" helps maintain my sanity because i am acknowledging how my experiences affect me rather than suppressing or rationalizing the blessings and bullshit that life brings.

and i am (slowly) learning to be vulnerable.

this morning, without considering the consequences, i broke down crying on the phone with my ex. i was frustrated - had been for several days - and could no longer just think through the drama of trying to rebuild a broken relationship. then i did the unthinkable - i let him know how deeply my commitment to him once was. the coolest part is that i didn't care if he would reciprocate my sentiments (he didn't. i'll deal with that another day). i didn't even care about protecting myself emotionally. i just put myself out there. ...maybe it's because i know that he can't hurt me much more than he already has. that i survived the pain and forgave him. that if he hurts me again i'll bounce back again. but it is freeing to be able to share myself in this new way.

being vulnerable is scary. but sometimes it's best to purge - a moment of being brave enough to acknowledge what i'm feeling inside and to let someone in. so far, i'm enjoying this journey.