i hate being a TA. just another obstacle between me and my research. why didn't i go to law school?

i wonder if i'll ever outgrow the club...

i found myself kinda close this weekend. it's funny - i've realized that i need the club for something other than what i used to get out of it. i used to enjoy putting myself on display for men to look at. i'll admit it. i don't care. hearing "eh shawty" was what made the experience worthwhile. i spent the night grinding with random dudes. occasionally wondered if they might potentially make a better mate than chris. in the end, however, i always went home to him. it just made sense.

now i go to escape from austin. part of me is trying to relive that feeling of being young, attractive, and living the sex and the city life. (not that i've gotten old, just older). another part of me realizes that it's the only time i feel like a woman... in the sense of feeling sexy and full of sexual energy. however, now i'm more interested in taking things a bit deeper. i like meeting people at the club and making new connections. but, at the same time, i often find myself disgusted by the intentions of 99.9 percent of the men at the club. you can see it in their eyes - they're on the prowl to find the cutest girl willing to go home with them. and that's not really my style. i've fantasized about it - but it's never going to happen. beyond talking shit about dudes with nice butts and broad shoulders, i'm not really interested in anything physical with anyone i don't know. just doesn't seem worth the effort.

so then why do i keep going to the club? to dance? no - i could do that at home... even out in austin. i think going to clubs - in some strange way- validates my understanding of myself as a 23 year-old woman. grad school hardly makes you feel young. everything else is so serious. so not connected to the culture that i was raised with and learned to appreciate at spelman. i NEED to stay on top of the most recent music. i NEED to wear trendy clothes in a space where it's appreciated. i NEED to feel not married and without attachments such as children... hmm... an identity crisis, maybe?

countdown

miami was my first "research" trip. very productive. not only got a boatload of sources for my thesis, but also gained an awareness of resources available a u miami, began networking with the librarians, and developed a focus for my thesis. the best part - a realization that i'm not as far from my academic path as a doctoral student as i was at spelman. my thesis (for anyone who's not bored by history talk) is looking at afro-cuban women's concepts of feminism and how it intersects with white elite cuban conceptions of feminism and social reform. i'm very excited.

even more excited is that i'm returning to my favorite city this weekend! (well, one of them. can't forget about chicago.) i'm giving a presentation at the national black herstory conference, seeing people at toni cade, organizing a letter-writing campaign for shaquanda cotton, and (on a less academic side) trying to sneak into a few afterparties held for the national black lawyers convention. why am i living in texas again?

p.s. favorite quote from miami: (from a guy trying to pick lauren up outside of a club) "you need a man who can buy you things like candy and CHICKEN..." :) gotta luv black people

it's sunny out! and warm! and i'm in miami! i think i'm finally learning to embrace my inner nerd. i flew all the way to miami to... do my thesis research? yes! i checked into the hotel and ran straight across the street to the library. found a series of essays between a black woman and a (white?) man in cuba aruging over race and the women's movement in 1939. wrote up a rough outline during dinner. now i just have to decide if i want to translate some articles over drinks or ice cream. hmm...

p.s. deLaine told me an old friend saw my pic and said i looked "really good." then she went to go pray. why does she always have to leave a sista hangin?