already mid-way into march... wow.
it's 2010... TWO THOUSAND AND TEN

this year, thus far, has been bumpy. i've experienced depression and anxiety; walked away from a relationship that meant everything to me; and pushed away people who - though they had my best interests at heart - were too much for me to handle in such an emotionally fragile state.

but all of this has forced me to reevaluate myself and my life: to learn to put myself first (still working on doing so without feeling selfish); tap into my emotional side over intellect (still working on it); drawing appropriate boundaries; and focusing on the moment rather than worrying about the future

and i feel good! for the first time in a looong time...

i was standing strong
and then he called
wanted to let me know that he was genuinely trying to think though "everything"
knocked me off my feet... see... i had worked so hard to draw from my anger and new expectations of future loves to help me move on... build a wall that would keep him from hurting me again
but then he called... and it was like he ripped the bandage off of a healing wound
so now i have hope again, and i am terrified of this feeling... i can't live my life hoping that someone will come around...
yet i don't want my pride to keep me from... whatever i'm too afraid to fantasize about happening

one day at a time. each day focusing on me: my happiness and becoming a better person by serving others...

poem for a mental & spiritual rebirth...

IN EVERY BREATH

in every breath
if you're the center
of your own desires
you'll lose the grace of your beloved

but if in every breath
you blow away
your self claim
the ecstasy of love
will soon arrive

in every breath
if you're the center
of your own thoughts
the sadness of autumn
will fall on you

but if in every breath
you strip naked
just like a winter
the joy of spring
will grow from within

all your impatience
comes from the push
for gain of patience
let go of the effort
and peace will arrive

all of your unfulfilled desires
are from your greed
for gain of fulfillments
let go of them all
and they will be sent as gifts

fall in love with
the agony of love
not the ecstasy
then the beloved
will fall in love with you

-rumi

i wish i was a songwriter.
wish i could write and sing the blues.
i think it's amazing that artists can take a single thought, a single mood and create something that speaks to people.
maybe a song could be my release...

my dad/father tells me to be positive; that i will receive a fellowship for next year.
i wonder why he never tells me to be positive about love.
is a career somehow more important than love? am i missing something?
why are we taught to pursue our dreams of careers and travel and making money... but never love?
why did no one ever teach me about love? i wish someone did...

i am going to be hopeful about love.
i'm going to think of love as a little surprise waiting for me... when i'm ready... when the universe decides that i'm ready.

i'd like to maintain this high until then - to know that it may be at the market, salsa night, or in my phone book.

and i'd like to continue feeling that i am worthy.

trust life...

giving myself permission to talk about the process is a big deal

what's to talk about?

hope or let go?
did it really happen, or was it all a dream?
what is a relationship?
and what is the difference between being in love and loving?

state of mind

so i'm going to be straight forward: it's light outside, but i'm in a dark place right now. been here for over a month. however... rather than hide, as i've been doing for the past couple of weeks, i'm going to use this blog to talk through everything until i get through it. so, here i go...

break ups suck, especially when - given slightly different circumstances - you'd be happy in love and living on an island of bliss... especially, when you didn't see the end coming until the road suddenly fell off

maybe it wasn't so sudden... maybe i was just trying to hard to see something else

what does love really mean, anyway?

i wish i could say that loneliness is new, but it really isn't.

not sure if i need a change of scene or a change of mind...

sleeping would be great, but i'm already rested

on my way out of town to spend the weekend looking at art - old and new. hopefully, a little inspiration...