why am i feeling so grey when it's sunny outside?

i spent the weekend in heels. peeptoe pumps to be exact. it's been a long time since i'd dressed up and put myself on display for men to stare at. i was amused, though not as fullfilled as i'd expected. i think it was the lack of one-on-one interaction... saw common in concert. fabulous as ususal. hung out with good people. walked so many miles that my legs are still sore, but toned (!). best of all- i got out of austin and away from grad school. i realized last week that this process is not healthy. we do too much. we place too many demands on ourselves. and we're never satisfied. there are many days when i get out of bed already feeling like a failure because i've not yet accomplished all that i should be doing - and i don't even know what that is. i'm working two jobs that take up most of my free time. i'm constantly running around, forgetting to eat, barely sitting down to pay bills. i barely spend time with friends, and spend limited quality time with martin... before i took monthly breaks from austin because i hated living in austin... now i do it cause i need the break from the intensity of school for my emotional health.

i saw a trailer for a hip hop documentary. it looks really good. but it made me realize how far i've strayed from the person i was a spelman. she's still here, but distanced from the things that made me "tick": critiquing pop culture, dreaming of ways to help black girls, getting mad about oppression, laughing over stupid things. i wish she was still here. i liked her better.

i feel like i've been molded into the person i was always afraid of becoming: unsatisfied with the world, but passively reformist rather than revolutinary; emotionally subdued with little time to feel and addicted to retail as a replacement... i don't know if it's grad school or austin...

i love martin but i sometimes feel trapped by our relationship (as much as i enjoy feeling secure).

i still miss my ex a year and a half later. i tried to make my self stop thinking about him by switching my thoughts everytime his name came to mind... days into my new strategy i started having dreams about him. so i gave up.

oh well. back to business

i've been in hiding... trying to be a productive grad student this semester. but i fell apart this weekend. not quite sure what happened. maybe it was my pms that always leaves me too tired to do much of anything. maybe it was my frustration with my lack of a social life as a grad student - no one ever wants to come out of the house, and there isn't much to come out for in austin. oh well. i'm leaving town this thursday. and twice next month. back to business for the moment...