lost in translation

chris and i broke up last night. i told him that there was a sense of urgency on my side, which was why i needed to see him, but that he seemed to lack the same feelings. he was too complacent. i told him we needed to take a break until he could come see me and we could work out our issues face to face. i was tired of putting up with his excuses for why he couldn't come visit, or even give me a date to visit him. i was tired of his not having a job; of his not being motivated; of his disinterest in my life. i was tired of being young and in a committed relationship that was going nowhere. i feel guilty because of what i may have done to him. but i don't even know how he feels because he shut down weeks ago. and that was partically my fault- i pushed him away. if we are meant to be we'll come back together at another time when we're different people. i don't think so, though. i'm kind of numb. i don't really want to talk about it anymore.

right now i'm so living in a bubble/bundle of happiness with my friend who is the most amazing man i have ever met and is definately not my boyfriend... like i'm having a hard time keeping focused on my school work and even paying attention in some of my classes... and i've had the best conversations ever... and i actually get PHYSICALLY turned on by talking about the most mundane, having-nothing-to-do-with-sex topics... and we're so much alike and so perfectly different that it's crazy...and i constantly find myself learning new things and teaching him things and sitting and just being so overwhelmed looking into his eyes so i have to look away for a few moments just to keep from breaking down... and just when i feel silly for randomly thinking about him he calls... he's just this completely normal person who i know has flaws (somewhere) and i'm not holding him to any model of perfection, but i'm willing to take whatever comes my way because i feel like it's worth it... and there is so much that i could say, but i feel that it would betray a level of intimacy that i have never before experienced or even known to be possible... i didn't know this was possible...

the other day i told my boyfriend that i wanted to see other people. i told him it was because our relationship (friendship... conversations) was falling apart, and i often felt i was too young to be in a relationship defined by drama. we're still together, and it was my choice. i had been contemplating ending it all for a couple of weeks, but, faced with the prospect of nevr seeing the man i've loved for the past four years again, i told him i wanted to give it one last try. i don't quite know why, but it felt right. was it becasue i'm scared? am i waiting for a reason to hate him? all i see right now are the good times. maybe that is how i should leave it... i've cried for two days, and i don't know what to do. i just want to control everything... and in doing so, i've found myself in this latest position: fighting for and against my relationship simultaneously. chris hasn't done anything. i don't know if it's becasue he wants out, though i don't think so. he said he felt it coming, and i think maybe he feels he's already lost. or maybe he doesn't know what to do. but i've forced my controlling self to take a step back from fighting and just be for a few moments... the problem is, chris isn't doing anything either. and that's the worst part; it hurts to think that after all of this time he'd not feel it worth the effort to keep us together. i want to yell at him, "why won't you fight for me?" "why won't you fight for us?" this shit sucks. we have so much potential as a couple, which is why i want us to try to work it out, but, but i think i killed the momentum with my honesty. at least i got the ball rolling... i told him i needed to see him to reconnect. he still hasn't said anything. just that he wishes we could have our relationship without complications. what is that??? i'm putting the ball in his court...

check this out

ok so i had to write another blog... i just found out some really interesting/cool/slightly-weird stuff out. so my "friend" is orignially from chicago, the same city as my family. i was raised baptist, as were my parents, but my mother's mother was raised methodist. my friend is methodist, and his mother is originally from chicago (maybe now you can see where this is going... maybe not). he said that his parents met at St. Mark Methodist Church in chicago. i remember my late, great-great aunt going to a church named St. Mark. at first we thought, "hey, a church named St. Mark is the same as a church named Mt. Zion; there are dozens of them." So, just now, he called his parents to ask where the church was located in chicago. i called my mom to ask her where my aunt's church was. then- u ready? - he, sitting next to me, and my mom, on the phone, both said the same address at the same time! now i know you're thinking, OK, but it gets better. my parents were married at the church in 1978; his were married there in 1979. his grandfather probably played my parent's wedding. his mother was raised in the church, and my aunt was a life-long member. his parents still attend the church, as do several of my aunts... isn't that crazy?! and my mother said that we probably crossed paths as children, cause my mother used to take me to church events. maybe we met years ago...

(re)evaluating the system

so i love my professor... he's a mexican scholar of latin american history who's about to leave ut-austin for uchicago. meanwhile, he's probably one of the realest professors out of the latin americanists (aside from my advisor). he's constantly going off about how we construct latin american history... for example, when we think of latin america in the twentieth century we immediately see images of peasant revolutions, corrupt governments, passion/sex, and macho men/submissive women... the issue is that we (i'm using the term we loosely) act like these phenomena exist only in latin america-- clearly the same things can be said about the united states and europe...

meanwhile, today's conversation focused on the role of the intellectual. as a scholar-in-training, i and many others that may read this blog aspire to someday publish articles and books that will aid in transforming the academy... but can we really? and how? true, we can insert various aspects of identity often ignorned by our counterparts into the field of history, anthropology, art, feminist theory, etc... but what about the revolution? how far will they let us go in being radical? i want to challenge captialist values that shape our social relations as collegues. i want to call people out on being pseudo-activists, on identifying as liberals and studying the "subaltern" (this term deserves some serious discussion in itself) but refusing to have them/us as neighbors. i want them to recognize that we all have political agendas in our research... clearly my saying fuck bullshit conservative canonial texts won't get me a degree... let's talk about why we are people of the united states studying latin america in the first place. let's ask ourselves how our research is going to help end poverty, rape, child abuse, and worker abuse. and what am i doing about this??? at the moment, nothing. but i still have hope for developing an agenda...

which brings me back to my professor. he mentioned that many scholars see history as liberatory. i don't quite understand how though. most of our research only reinforces the status quo... and concepts of liberatory are relative; our conceptualization of such terms are inherently subjective. everyone has their own idea of "revolution." where is our common ground?

he identified the catch 22 in writing history: we write about oppressed identities (race, gender, sexuality, etc) to attack discrimination and work towards liberation, but aren't we reinforcing binary constructions of difference in the process? social constructions of identity are, indeed, constructions. they're not real. but there are material realities to these constructions. so what do we do? many writers (some examples can be found in the literature produced during the harlem renaissance) chose/choose to define themselves as "american" and deny any racial affiliation. it pisses me off... but are they onto something? what is our plan? perhaps we should fight to create equality, but view it as steps towards a society without difference? is this even possible?

my professor also challenged us to think beyond writing books for academic audiences. most books are never read, especially not by the people whose stories we claim to be examining. and, for most of us, our language is not accessible... so do we write stories for those outside of the academy? what will we write about? who will publish them? will they be read, and how will they help transform the world? maybe books and articles are the wrong approach... how about documentaries? or community forums? how will we bring our scholarship back to the community? and what is the community?

just a few thoughts...

this weekend was FANTABULOUS!!! aside from the fact that i have successfully avoided doing ANY work (and i will soon be regretting this decision as the night approaches), i had a ton of fun (hehe that rhymes). friday i went out with some friends for dinner, then we got a bunch of wine and drank before going to a club. it was an undergrad party, but 1. i was too drunk to notice, and 2. there were a bunch of non-undergrads present... i don't know if that's sad or disturbing or both or neither... i had on this very cute, jessica simpson-esque turquoise dress with no straps and kind of flouncy at the bottom. and flats because i didn't want the children to think i was getting dressed-up for them. i danced with a whole bunch of people until my "friend" showed up... come to think of it, maybe i should begin my wonderful weekend on thursday when he and i went to see The Gospel (the movie)... anyway, after the party at the club, we went to another party sponsored by the african students association. the party was amazing- with some of the sexiest men i've seen in awhile, and good music from africa, the caribbean, and the u.s. (dirty south and a couple of oldies). my "friend" met me there too and we only danced with each other... now anyone who has ever seen me dance knows that i believe dancing should be sexual (what else would the point be?), and he is one of THE best dancers ever! maybe even THE best??? after the party i dropped my friends off and he and i went to ihop. i got home at seven in time to see the sky becoming light blue... saturday we went running (we're now up to three and a half miles). then i got some wonderful sonics mozzarella sticks for the second time this week and went to bed before midnight. this morning we went to church... yes, takkara went to church. i'm having a lot of fun, but i keep asking myself, are we dating? technically, no. i have a boyfriend, i tell him stories about chris (which i'm sure he hates but i don't care), and we never talk about being anything more than friends. but we only dance with each other when we're at the club together, we go out alone, and talk like two people dating and trying to get to know each other would. interesting...

it is cold outside, and wet, and cloudy. it reflects my mood quite well... something deep inside feels uneasy and has me on edge. i'm not quite sure of what's going on. last night my boyfriend asked me if i felt that we had grown apart... i told him no (and i wasn't lying), but i think he feels differently. then he asked if i was seeing anyone else out here in austin??? i wanted to tell him not to put his insecurites on me. but i was nice. i just told him no. i told him that i wouldn't do such a thing to him. and then i gave him 101 reasons why. i should have said "fuck you" and hung up the phone... i don't really think that this has anything to do with me. i think that he either has done something or wants to do something...which honestly doesn't bother me. i just want him to be honest. the thing is, though, i'm not being completely honest. i want to talk to other guys. i want to date around. part of me is holding back because i have so much invested in this relationship and i love him. i don't want to break it off and regret it. but another, maybe larger part of me is fed up with his lack of drive, immaturity and selfishness. every week i realize more and more that he's not the man i want to marry. maybe it's just a phase? i'm not quite ready to have him out of my life. but i'm also not in the mood to play all of that john legend, ordinary people bullshit. i'm just not sure that it's worth it. there are so many days when i wonder how/why we've even come this far together. but he's taught me alot about myself: to take myself less seriously, not to get angry so quickly, to be more affectionate, to appreciate sports... i appreciate him for that; i really do. but maybe we've outgrown each other. at least maybe i've outgrown him...