it is cold outside, and wet, and cloudy. it reflects my mood quite well... something deep inside feels uneasy and has me on edge. i'm not quite sure of what's going on. last night my boyfriend asked me if i felt that we had grown apart... i told him no (and i wasn't lying), but i think he feels differently. then he asked if i was seeing anyone else out here in austin??? i wanted to tell him not to put his insecurites on me. but i was nice. i just told him no. i told him that i wouldn't do such a thing to him. and then i gave him 101 reasons why. i should have said "fuck you" and hung up the phone... i don't really think that this has anything to do with me. i think that he either has done something or wants to do something...which honestly doesn't bother me. i just want him to be honest. the thing is, though, i'm not being completely honest. i want to talk to other guys. i want to date around. part of me is holding back because i have so much invested in this relationship and i love him. i don't want to break it off and regret it. but another, maybe larger part of me is fed up with his lack of drive, immaturity and selfishness. every week i realize more and more that he's not the man i want to marry. maybe it's just a phase? i'm not quite ready to have him out of my life. but i'm also not in the mood to play all of that john legend, ordinary people bullshit. i'm just not sure that it's worth it. there are so many days when i wonder how/why we've even come this far together. but he's taught me alot about myself: to take myself less seriously, not to get angry so quickly, to be more affectionate, to appreciate sports... i appreciate him for that; i really do. but maybe we've outgrown each other. at least maybe i've outgrown him...