i wonder if i'll ever outgrow the club...

i found myself kinda close this weekend. it's funny - i've realized that i need the club for something other than what i used to get out of it. i used to enjoy putting myself on display for men to look at. i'll admit it. i don't care. hearing "eh shawty" was what made the experience worthwhile. i spent the night grinding with random dudes. occasionally wondered if they might potentially make a better mate than chris. in the end, however, i always went home to him. it just made sense.

now i go to escape from austin. part of me is trying to relive that feeling of being young, attractive, and living the sex and the city life. (not that i've gotten old, just older). another part of me realizes that it's the only time i feel like a woman... in the sense of feeling sexy and full of sexual energy. however, now i'm more interested in taking things a bit deeper. i like meeting people at the club and making new connections. but, at the same time, i often find myself disgusted by the intentions of 99.9 percent of the men at the club. you can see it in their eyes - they're on the prowl to find the cutest girl willing to go home with them. and that's not really my style. i've fantasized about it - but it's never going to happen. beyond talking shit about dudes with nice butts and broad shoulders, i'm not really interested in anything physical with anyone i don't know. just doesn't seem worth the effort.

so then why do i keep going to the club? to dance? no - i could do that at home... even out in austin. i think going to clubs - in some strange way- validates my understanding of myself as a 23 year-old woman. grad school hardly makes you feel young. everything else is so serious. so not connected to the culture that i was raised with and learned to appreciate at spelman. i NEED to stay on top of the most recent music. i NEED to wear trendy clothes in a space where it's appreciated. i NEED to feel not married and without attachments such as children... hmm... an identity crisis, maybe?