well, i met a man almost two months ago. i was about five weeks out of my previous relationship... finally at peace with being single again but not yet looking for something new. open to making friends. happy with the occasional flirtatious exchange. enjoying the company of girlfriends and beginning (very much beginning) to consider life as an adventure (a passion that gradually had been lost during '09).
i was at salsa night. running late to the 9:30 lesson as usual. wearing jeans and a green top. i felt super cute. and i was super happy. everyone at the lesson paired up and took turns rotating so that we could practice the new steps as we got to know each other. and i remember meeting him. i think we were learning the "ladies turn." he had this sparkle in his eye - a rare sweet innocence from a person happy and fully open to meeting another. i thought he was cute... but i left it at that.
i remember talking to him briefly later that night. my friend was excited that he planned to visit the Dominican Republic this summer -- a country she soon plans to visit for research. the three of us got to talking about him being new in town and wanting to meet new people. we invited him to happy hour and exchanged numbers. and i left that night happy to having made a new friend.
but the friends thing didn't last very long... i slowly (very slowly) realized that he had become interested in me... and quickly became interested in him... realized from our conversations what i had been missing in my previous relationship - someone who was spiritual, driven, happy, and passionate about life. i found myself excited about experiencing things with him, like watching our favorite movies together, visiting new places, and creating adventures.
i pushed him away because i was afraid of being hurt and hurting him. my ex was still looming in the background and everything just felt so messy and complicated. then i decided to take the first step towards bravery - ended things with my ex for good and opened myself to the possibility of someone new...
i admire his bravery for wanting to spend time with me - a very confused woman still letting go of my baggage from past relationships (and working very hard not to make him suffer for it), terrified of getting hurt, and constantly questioning my own judgement. but i am also inspired to return to the hopeless romantic self that i was a year ago. i want love and i want to build a foundation with someone. i want to embrace my idealistic leanings and to let go of my worries and insecurities... i want to be brave enough to trust and to fall deeply into love...
last weekend, while at my house, i looked into his eyes and felt love... all-consuming, blind to the world's pain, and deeply fulfilling love. it was so intense that i felt myself overcome with emotion. i turned away, tempted to cry to release it all... but i didn't cry, and that split second scared the shit out of me.
there are aspects of connecting with another human being that i had all but forgotten until meeting him: gazing into a person's eyes, being unapologetically affectionate, having emotional security, and trusting a person's words (because what do words mean if you instantly second guess them?). this process has me slowly becoming the person that i want to be in love, and i want only to embrace it fully - without fears- so that i can savor each moment.
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