more and more each day i recognize the power of communication. funny as it may sound, i am beginning to understand that you have to TELL people what you are thinking... what you are feeling. you teach people how to treat you - good or bad. you connect with other people by sharing your feelings.

i have been (am) on a journey. my purpose: to deal with the discomfort of confronting emotions, and the guilt of refusing to address them with those closest to me. PDSs (public displays of sappiness) have always made me cringe. i allowed myself to cry only during "appropriate" moments - sad movies, oprah, funerals, etc. i have long valued being rational rather than emotional. and it's taken me 26 years to be able to use the words "it hurt me"... if only with myself.

i am learning that being emotional does not make me weak... nor does it lead to any embarrassing moments in front of my friends or family. rather, it's a necessary way to connect with myself and others. more importantly, "being emotional" helps maintain my sanity because i am acknowledging how my experiences affect me rather than suppressing or rationalizing the blessings and bullshit that life brings.

and i am (slowly) learning to be vulnerable.

this morning, without considering the consequences, i broke down crying on the phone with my ex. i was frustrated - had been for several days - and could no longer just think through the drama of trying to rebuild a broken relationship. then i did the unthinkable - i let him know how deeply my commitment to him once was. the coolest part is that i didn't care if he would reciprocate my sentiments (he didn't. i'll deal with that another day). i didn't even care about protecting myself emotionally. i just put myself out there. ...maybe it's because i know that he can't hurt me much more than he already has. that i survived the pain and forgave him. that if he hurts me again i'll bounce back again. but it is freeing to be able to share myself in this new way.

being vulnerable is scary. but sometimes it's best to purge - a moment of being brave enough to acknowledge what i'm feeling inside and to let someone in. so far, i'm enjoying this journey.