yesterday we had our history dept graduate reception. it included a mix of new and senior students, professors and faculty. i was the only black person there. i expected some sort of culture shock in attending UT at Austin, but i've been fine. however, yesterday, during our first interactions, people started acting up. in particular, one man attempted to check me during a simple conversation. the graduate coordinator introduced him to me. he was wearing a shirt, tie and dress slacks. i say this because the majority of students wear jeans, washed-out t-shirts, and flip-flops. i assumed he was a professor. within thirty seconds of talking he questioned a simple response to one of his questions. giving him the benefit of a doubt, i wondered if i was unclear. later, when talking about my travels to Cuba, he asked if Cubans or Americans arranged the travel tours. i responded, "us." he asked, "who's us?" now at this point i want to say, "negro, who do you think is us? do are either of us from Cuba?" instead, i respond, people from the U.S. [side note: i think we need to get out of the habit of using the term American in referring to people from the U.S. i know that it's how we're socialized, but it's a bit arrogant to label ourselves as "Americans" and all other people in the Americas by their respective nationalities]. this is when the alarm finally goes off, and i move to talk to someone else.

earlier in the day, i went to a Black graduate student reception. the director of the Center for African and African American Studies (CAAAS) acknowledged that students in Ph.D. and masters programs often receive the lowest funding offers. he said that while they knew we were qualified, our departments often think otherwise. and while were are aware of racism as children- and speak of it often at Spelman- i think that there is little that can prepare us for the hurt and frustration that comes from being viewed/treated as less simply for being Black women. i hope that i never get used to it; doing so would mean that i had fully embraced cynicism and lost hope.

meanwhile, i think there are several ways to deal with it. we can fight it. we can find humor in it. and we can work to assure each other that we are smart, capable, and entitled. they've been told it their whole lives.

i for one have a new mantra. ready? I AM THE SHIT. why? because i am twenty-two years-old, i got into one of my top PhD programs -on the first round, WITH FUNDING- and i'm living my dream, and i'm just getting started. i think that everyone who reads this to tell them shit that they are the shit too. and we're not going to down to our imbedded gender behaviors that make us feel guilty for being aware of our inner brilliance. i'm not a bitch or cocky or snobby. i'm confident. and i'm going to keep telling myself that i'm the shit until i learn another way to deal with bullshit. who knows, i just might put it on a t-shirt.

another birthday

today is my 22nd birthday. damn, i'm 22 years old... it's weird how birthdays evolve. when you're little your parents pull out the stops. you get the cake, cards, presents, etc. you learn to count each year using your fingers. you anxiously await the day on which everyone seems to be celebrating you. you even pick out your presents weeks before the big day. and birthday parties are the best. but, as you get older, birthdays lose their importance. you have cake with your family. maybe go out with a few friends. i can't say that i haven't had some memorable days.

i went to my first college party on my eighteenth birthday. my new friends at spelman took me out for my first cheesecake factory experience. then we went to a hotel party and met a whole bunch of dudes i was too intimidated to talk to. and, being freshmen, we had to leave EARLY before most people had arrived to make dorm curfew. i'm still mad at the girls of HH who were fast and had to sneak out for who knows what during orientation week.

on my nineteenth birthday my freshman clique and i had a reunion at cafe intermezzo. who knew that- because of sorority bullshit (actually, it had little to do with the organization and more with the obsession of being a member)- we'd barely speak to each other by the end of the year.

my twentieth birthday was THE BOMB. i was living in havana, cuba. i told everyone i wanted to spend the big day drunk and dancing salsa in a club. we went out deep through the streets of the new city like we were running things. stacey, ronni, tasha, ashley, deLaine and i were such pimps that we had a huge group of dudes with us. some of them were even cute.

last year i wore a cute white skirt i payed way too much money for (note to self: get cute skirt dry cleaned). went to wild curry with deLaine, moya and moya's friend brandy. coincidentally, brandy and i shared the same birthday. my roommates, moya and i spent the night at club shadows. we had guys buying us drinks all night. that night was only the begining; a new world really does open up when you turn twenty one.

and here i am today. i got up and got dressed. played with my sexy ibook. talked to friends. my two-year-old goddaughter called me and sang happy birthday with her mother (she only knows when to say "you"). ate dinner with my dad, aunt and uncle. now i'm watching a movie. and i'm quite satisfied. no cake, no candles... for my birthday my mother bought me a washer and dryer. it's a big change from barbie dolls, but it's probably the most useful gift to date.

who knew?

i'm here in austin... well, actually, today i'm in houston visiting my aunt and her husband. i expected this transition to be quite hard, but i'm actually happy. my apartment is working out. i'm about to start some really good classes. like being in atlanta, i enjoy the freedom that i have. my latest challenge, getting to know the people in my program. it has nothing to do with them being the complete opposite of a typical spelmanite - or maybe it has everything to do with it. i've met some cool women who will run this year's gender symposium. most of the other people also seem normal... so far. only time will tell what is to come.

meanwhile - given a moment to vent - has anyone noticed the incorporation of "hip hop" music/culture into back-to-school commercials? really, "we like backpacks and we cannot lie"??? and if i see one more suburban kid in hip hop arizona jeans i'm going to scream. also, what the hell is going on with samuel l jackson's new movie? better yet what was he thinking when he stepped in front of a camera with his hair like that? is tht how he proves his street cred on the big screen? just a thought.

the g-unit tees

there is a recent fashion trend among black men in america... i think the first person to appear in these odd-looking tank tops was 50 cent. they are similar to "wife beaters," though the straps are thinner and often multi-colored. i just don't get it. i thought that 50 looked weird during some of his recent appearances, but i couldn't really pinpoint the problem. then, recently, i've noticed grown ass men around the city of atl wearing the same shirts. you can tell that they feel like the ultimate sex symbol (that for some reason people assume 50 to be). but instead of looking masculine and cool the shirts are actually kind of feminine. i just don't get it.

today was a good day

so this is officially my favorite part of the year to live in atlanta... the weather is sunny and warm. the flowers are in full bloom. ok, i know that sounds really corny. today i slept in for the first time in at least a week. got my oil changed (and it was half off with a coupon i found this morning!) found a good parking spot at school. finally found a thesis statement for my senior thesis... moya and i went to cheesecake for a late lunch and got drinks... don't sleep on lunch @ cheesecake... went to my film class. made progress on my documentary. now i'm going home to eat dinner. what more can i ask for?

response to moya on gizoogle

ok... so i went to the google thing. i don't get it. even more, i think it's disgusting. people should be mad at snoop, and i'm waiting for the day when black people will get mad at black celebrities -like snoop- for allowing white people to pimp our culture. they need to understand that these are not acts of respect or appreciation. it's beyond cooning. it reminded me of middle school, when my white friends suddenly discovered black culture that their parents were oblivious to. so many of them made jokes about snoop and black music and dancing in general. and there i was sitting and thinking, this is MY culture you're talking about... then all of a sudden black culture (within my circle of white friends) becomes something to emulate. but it doesn't bring them any closer to black people. snoop will never understand what it's like to feel like an outsider among the people you grew up with because of your race.