i've been in l.a. since wednesday night. it's my first time here... an interesting place. huge for one. about 90% of it looks the same; some a bit nicer than others but still similar. then there are the newer, suburbanesque areas or more lavish, ritsy areas. aside from the fact that the black social scene is SO much better than austin, i don't quite get the hype...
aside from exploring new corners of the world, i've finally realized just how much tv i watch. crystal doesn't have cable, just one channel that doesn't work half the time. at first i tried to ignore it by staying out of the house. then it became painful. i got annoyed. then frustrated. finally, i woke up this morning realizing that i had to find an alternative; turning the tv on would wake up everyone in the house. i spent some time on the internet, got bored, and decided to read the book i checked out from the library... which is another interesting story: 22 years later, i've finally discovered the true beauty of a library. sure i enjoy finding books relevant to my research. however, being in the current broke state in which i'm in at the moment, i'm finally looking to the library for books for personal enjoyment. i know this sounds incredibly strange, but my dad raised my sister and i to develop a library of our own. i've always read books that i bought first. it's even kind of weired to be reading a book that isn't mine- i don't expect this to make any sense to anyone but me...
SO, while reading, i started to notice things about myself and my surroundings... like reading the space around you solely by listening to the outdoors... allowing your mind to drift from one subject to another without the distraction of the television (which can be so abrasive and intrusive in a perfectly subtle way)... listening to youself breathe... noticing that my body craves water or more sleep....
sitting still for the first time in MONTHS, i realize the need to be away from the television more often. i wasted so much time this past school year. i could have accomplished so much more. written better papers. read books better. read more books. tapped into a creative energy i have denied for years. figured out how to be happy in life a a grown-up dealing with bullshit on a daily basis... i wonder what i've been hiding from. i tell people that i have basic cable for the "essential" shows - top model, the apprentice, oprah- but, honestly, i'll watch almost anything. i've told myself it's the necessary space in which to sit and do nothing; a way to de-stress... but is it really? especially when i'm wasting so much time? and i've also said that it helps keep me informed to participate in the intellectual discourse on pop culture... maybe it's my way of hiding from life.
one thing this past year away from spelman has helped me realize is that life can be cold, lonely, and painful... what's frustrating is that most of what exists in grad school is no different from the rest of the world, expect that i am in a serious position of privilege getting paid to read books and help teach students, working towards a ph.d. it's just so frustrating to realize that hazing, having to make small talk with people who don't have your best interest at heart, kissing up to people who aren't nice, working your ass off for little or no recognition, never feeling accomplished, etc., etc., are all a part of dealing with being an adult. and there is the fear of failure...
so i cover it up by watching tv. and by shopping. this weekend, i promised myself that i was going to devote my low funds to finding a dress to wear to a wedding next week and locating the perfect pair of peep-toe flats... instead i spent several hundred dollars buying dresses without a place to wear them, shirts knowing that none of my classmates take fashion as seriously as i (in other words, i'm wasting my time and should instead be maximizing my current wardrobe), and drinking (alcohol is a whole other blog, i'm going to give it up for the summer after the wedding and force myself to get back into shape)... even know, as i watch my account dwindle, i keep a close eye on these cute steve madden flats for when they drop below 29.99... i do this every summer. the anxiety of finally sitting still after a busy school year usually leads to my funneling my insecurities and worries into a costly shopping spree. at least the good thing is that i don't spend money that i don't actually have. (i hate credit cards) meanwhile, while i can stand in my closet and smile thinking about the new shoes, dresses, shirts, i have bought and will buy - the concerns and insecurities remain... in other words, i remain in hiding... however, this summer i won't have a job anytime soon. maybe it's time to apply my creativity to something cheaper and more productive...
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
three reasons to hide from pop culture
1. kathy griffin's show on comedy central, titled "Kathy Griffin: Strong Black Woman"
all i have to say is "REALLY, Kathy?" too many layers to begin to picking this show apart.
2. Jack Black's new movie, "Nacho Libre." not only is it insensitive given the current political climate, but it's racist to the point where i don't understand why no one is mad. he picks up a spanish accent and cape for the part, kind of a comedic take on zorro. it's a mockery of spanish-american culture (aka a minstrel show). it's the kind of thing you would expect from some frat boys.
3. a rap song that i heard on the radio two weeks ago, talking about "lick it, lick it, suck it for an outfit." now i love black culture, especially among our generation, but so many elements are out of control. i think we have the best beats ever. it's amazing to see the distinctions in music, fashion, language, dancing, etc. among regions within the U.S. however, every day it becomes more and more painful to listen to such music, knowing that it creates serious tensions in black relationships, whether they be friendships or sexual. hmm... a new documentary idea?...
all i have to say is "REALLY, Kathy?" too many layers to begin to picking this show apart.
2. Jack Black's new movie, "Nacho Libre." not only is it insensitive given the current political climate, but it's racist to the point where i don't understand why no one is mad. he picks up a spanish accent and cape for the part, kind of a comedic take on zorro. it's a mockery of spanish-american culture (aka a minstrel show). it's the kind of thing you would expect from some frat boys.
3. a rap song that i heard on the radio two weeks ago, talking about "lick it, lick it, suck it for an outfit." now i love black culture, especially among our generation, but so many elements are out of control. i think we have the best beats ever. it's amazing to see the distinctions in music, fashion, language, dancing, etc. among regions within the U.S. however, every day it becomes more and more painful to listen to such music, knowing that it creates serious tensions in black relationships, whether they be friendships or sexual. hmm... a new documentary idea?...
Thursday, May 04, 2006
yesterday, while driving, martin looks at me, smiles, and says "let's get married." i look over at him like he's crazy. i respond, "not now." he looks disappointed. i explain that i'm not ready to get married yet. that i had things i wanted to do first. he asks, "what kind of things." i hadn't quite thought of those things, except to live and not be married. so i told him the first thing that popped into my head. "travel...," i catch myself, "not that we wouldn't travel once married. there are just certain things that i've always wanted to do by myself that i wouldn't feel right doing if we were married."
i wasn't lying. but the truth is that i've always been afraid of marriage. not sure why. i look forward to planning my wedding and going through the actual day; but the day after is another story. this, perhaps, is the greatest difference between martin and i. when he thinks of marriage, he sees us sharing the rest of our lives together. i, on the other hand, see myself miserable at the age of 40. i don't know what brought this on. maybe it's that i have yet to see a truly happy couple (including my parents) at twenty+ years of marriage. everyone says it's hard work. funny, all the movies tell us that it is -that is should be- easy and fun. maybe it's that my relationship with martin started out easy and fun, and has transitioned into a rocky state in which we're finally forced to deal with some serious personality differences among the two of us. i find myself wondering, "can i deal with this for the rest of my life?" or "this is not what i signed up for" or "i'm too young to be going through this" ... i'm learning a lot about the both of us: i don't like confrontation, not even in relationships. i hate drama. i'd rather let things go by telling myself that it's not that serious. i'm tempted to run when confronted with criticism. in a way i shut down when unexpectedly confronted, i rarely lack the motive to fight back. (is this how chris felt?) martin lets nothing go. if he's told something is going to happen, he holds the person to it. he expects affection on a regular basis, especially during daily ritual moments (saying hi, goodbye, going to bed, etc.). failure to do so is a direct and very personal assault. as one can imagine, the past week has been emotionally trying and somewhat draining. i'm often pushed to the point of the indifference about the whole situation. if anyone has any idea why, please tell me...
so, basically, i'm not so sure that i believe in marriage... at the moment, i don't think it's natural. socially expected, yes. economically practical, maybe. but what alternative is there? what is the real difference between a long-term relationship and marriage beyond the ability to leave without breaking a "sacred" religious pact? ...and i'll take it a step further: sometimes i feel like love is a bunch of bullshit. i'm tired of sappy scenes on tv and in movies. love songs are stupid. hopeless romantics are trapped in a state of self-denial. harsh and pessimistic - yes i know. but, at the moment, i fail to see the beauty of love. chris used to tell me that our relationship would work as long as we wanted it to. i thought that it had just run its course. but now i realize he was right. our relationship failed because i stopped wanting it to. he gave up because he realized my desires were to be somewhere else. so now, if martin and i are going to work, i have to want it so bad that i'll put up with all of the drama. and i'm struggling to maintain the energy, stamina, and motive to keep up. again, if anyone can help me i'd greatly appreciate it.
and on the subject of chris... after almost seven months, not a day goes by that i don't think about our relationship. (i hesitate to even write this because of how it blew up in my face last time, but blogging is therapy for me...) i've gotten better. i haven't had any recent moments when i break down and cry while driving, walking to class, cooking, or sitting on the couch. i no longer have moments when the desire to contact him becomes physically painful. i no longer crave seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, or catching him watch me while i sleep. i don't remember what kissing him was like. i rarely think about his hands, or his feet, or him bobbing his head to music in the car while driving downtown. it's been ages since i've laughed about his thing for candles and "fresh air." i still look at martin and remind myself that he treats me exactly how i've always wanted. everytime i have a good memory of chris i'm able to remind myself of those moments that led to our breaking up. but i still find myself wanting to ask him certain questions i know he'd have the answer to. i wonder what he would think about the latest three six mafia or jamie foxx song. i think of funny things that happen and know he'd appreciate hearing them. most importantly, i miss the space our relationshp provided in which i could go to his apartment, change into his sweats, curl up on the couch, and forget about the outside world. i don't have that anymore. and i don't know if it grad school or being out of that relationship that changed things...
and i feel super guilty for even having these thoughts while being with martin. part of the problem is that this relationship has been so close to my previous one. and they so completely different. but my heart feels so heavy. i feel like i have so little to give. and the extent to which martin is enamored with me makes me feel that i'm incapabable of ever being able to reach such a level. i am so incredibly confused that i almost feel like i need time to myself, but i'm afraid it will do more harm than good to a potentially great relationship...
i wasn't lying. but the truth is that i've always been afraid of marriage. not sure why. i look forward to planning my wedding and going through the actual day; but the day after is another story. this, perhaps, is the greatest difference between martin and i. when he thinks of marriage, he sees us sharing the rest of our lives together. i, on the other hand, see myself miserable at the age of 40. i don't know what brought this on. maybe it's that i have yet to see a truly happy couple (including my parents) at twenty+ years of marriage. everyone says it's hard work. funny, all the movies tell us that it is -that is should be- easy and fun. maybe it's that my relationship with martin started out easy and fun, and has transitioned into a rocky state in which we're finally forced to deal with some serious personality differences among the two of us. i find myself wondering, "can i deal with this for the rest of my life?" or "this is not what i signed up for" or "i'm too young to be going through this" ... i'm learning a lot about the both of us: i don't like confrontation, not even in relationships. i hate drama. i'd rather let things go by telling myself that it's not that serious. i'm tempted to run when confronted with criticism. in a way i shut down when unexpectedly confronted, i rarely lack the motive to fight back. (is this how chris felt?) martin lets nothing go. if he's told something is going to happen, he holds the person to it. he expects affection on a regular basis, especially during daily ritual moments (saying hi, goodbye, going to bed, etc.). failure to do so is a direct and very personal assault. as one can imagine, the past week has been emotionally trying and somewhat draining. i'm often pushed to the point of the indifference about the whole situation. if anyone has any idea why, please tell me...
so, basically, i'm not so sure that i believe in marriage... at the moment, i don't think it's natural. socially expected, yes. economically practical, maybe. but what alternative is there? what is the real difference between a long-term relationship and marriage beyond the ability to leave without breaking a "sacred" religious pact? ...and i'll take it a step further: sometimes i feel like love is a bunch of bullshit. i'm tired of sappy scenes on tv and in movies. love songs are stupid. hopeless romantics are trapped in a state of self-denial. harsh and pessimistic - yes i know. but, at the moment, i fail to see the beauty of love. chris used to tell me that our relationship would work as long as we wanted it to. i thought that it had just run its course. but now i realize he was right. our relationship failed because i stopped wanting it to. he gave up because he realized my desires were to be somewhere else. so now, if martin and i are going to work, i have to want it so bad that i'll put up with all of the drama. and i'm struggling to maintain the energy, stamina, and motive to keep up. again, if anyone can help me i'd greatly appreciate it.
and on the subject of chris... after almost seven months, not a day goes by that i don't think about our relationship. (i hesitate to even write this because of how it blew up in my face last time, but blogging is therapy for me...) i've gotten better. i haven't had any recent moments when i break down and cry while driving, walking to class, cooking, or sitting on the couch. i no longer have moments when the desire to contact him becomes physically painful. i no longer crave seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, or catching him watch me while i sleep. i don't remember what kissing him was like. i rarely think about his hands, or his feet, or him bobbing his head to music in the car while driving downtown. it's been ages since i've laughed about his thing for candles and "fresh air." i still look at martin and remind myself that he treats me exactly how i've always wanted. everytime i have a good memory of chris i'm able to remind myself of those moments that led to our breaking up. but i still find myself wanting to ask him certain questions i know he'd have the answer to. i wonder what he would think about the latest three six mafia or jamie foxx song. i think of funny things that happen and know he'd appreciate hearing them. most importantly, i miss the space our relationshp provided in which i could go to his apartment, change into his sweats, curl up on the couch, and forget about the outside world. i don't have that anymore. and i don't know if it grad school or being out of that relationship that changed things...
and i feel super guilty for even having these thoughts while being with martin. part of the problem is that this relationship has been so close to my previous one. and they so completely different. but my heart feels so heavy. i feel like i have so little to give. and the extent to which martin is enamored with me makes me feel that i'm incapabable of ever being able to reach such a level. i am so incredibly confused that i almost feel like i need time to myself, but i'm afraid it will do more harm than good to a potentially great relationship...
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
i should be writing a paper but...
i'm listening to this song, over and over...
Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,
Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is a fade,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,
Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,
I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands
Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,
Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is a fade,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,
Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,
I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands
Monday, May 01, 2006
catch me if you can
i'm trying to pack my summer schedule with stuff to enjoy my free moments as much as possible. here's what it looks like:
1. May 12-20 - turn in last paper. pick tida up from airport. spend next week shopping, drinking, eating, and pampering myself (wash car, get pedicure, etc.)
2. May 24-28 - trip to L.A. to hang out with crystal and lauren
3. June 1 - first day of portuguese summer-school classes
4. June 2-4 - martin's friend's wedding in mississippi
5. June 15-18 - nwsa conference!
6. June 30 - July 4 - COMING BACK TO THE A!!!
7. July 7/8 - summer school finals. leave for Cuba for 2 or 3 weeks
I CAN'T WAIT
1. May 12-20 - turn in last paper. pick tida up from airport. spend next week shopping, drinking, eating, and pampering myself (wash car, get pedicure, etc.)
2. May 24-28 - trip to L.A. to hang out with crystal and lauren
3. June 1 - first day of portuguese summer-school classes
4. June 2-4 - martin's friend's wedding in mississippi
5. June 15-18 - nwsa conference!
6. June 30 - July 4 - COMING BACK TO THE A!!!
7. July 7/8 - summer school finals. leave for Cuba for 2 or 3 weeks
I CAN'T WAIT
Thursday, April 27, 2006
haven't written in a couple of weeks, but it has felt like ages. i have about two weeks of school left. i'm excited and terrified. grad school is kicking my ass. i met with my prof. today. he completely ripped my book review apart, and all i could do was look at him thinking, "did you seriously expect me to produce a coherent essay despite all that i have to do outside of this class?" yes, he did. so i'll admit it - my bad. life in austin is... going... i wish i had the time to find the positive energy i once had. school has its moments, of course. i'm writing a research prospectus on Afro-Cuban women as agents and as cultural symbols within a transforming society after emancipation. that's exciting. and one of my best friends is coming to see me after school is out. that's very exciting. oh, and i'm going to L.A. for memorial day weekend. super exciting. i'm buying a bottle of champagne after this semester is over...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
i see...
lots of black people on campus for the annual Texas Relays. black people playing loud music as they circle around the block several times, bumping paul wall, mike jones, TI, and groups that they never play on the radio here. freshly-washed, beautifully-colored cars with tvs and 24-inch rims. bass bumping so hard that the store widows shake. black women with tight jeans, shirts with lace, tiny shorts, heels, and ponytails. black men with long shorts, pimp walks, dark sunglasses, white tees, and straw hats. my favorite: a man with the fifty cent-type tank with red, white, and navy straps; jeans with red, white, anad navy at the cuffs, white sneakers, a belt buckle (with the front of the tank tucked in!), and a straw hat. black men on bikes. black people grilling in hotel parking lots (i'm not talking about the small, play grills either. they had the huge grills that you use for church bbqs and family reunions). black people walking in large groups, clearly on display for the world to take notice. black high-school students with matching t-shirts that say 'betcha can't do it like me" on the back. weaves, jean outfits, and pontytails to the side. air force ones. AND I'M SO HAPPY!!! i haven't even been to sixth street yet...
Thursday, April 06, 2006
school is crazy, as ususal, but that's okay. i've got good books to read for tomorrow. i have two final papers to write that i'm acutally enjoying the process of writing. my classes for next semester will be on point (historiography of colonial latin america; a research seminar, a.k.a. no classes, just embracing my full nerdy side by conducting archival research; and black critical race theory and praxis). the sun is out and it's warm- again. and i'm gonna get some good FACEBOOK pics during the texas relay after-parties this weekend. speaking of facebook, it's a sick addition that i can't shake. i have nothing better to do at work right now, and i can't do homework, so i check my profile/stalk other people/search for new friends in hidden corners of the internet... for five hours at a time...
meanwhile, question of the day: how can we address the duke incident in a manner that is both productive for the "community" (not yet sure how to define it) and emotionally/mentally/psychologically for us as black women?
meanwhile, question of the day: how can we address the duke incident in a manner that is both productive for the "community" (not yet sure how to define it) and emotionally/mentally/psychologically for us as black women?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
and just when the world seemed too stressful:
payday came, the sun came out, and black people showed up in large numbers to a FREE common concert... a lovely day, indeed
Saturday, April 01, 2006
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE...
not sure who wrote this. i copied it off of a facebook page... ah, facebook... i think i would add to this statement, because "love" (this incredibly abstrat concept that somehow shapes our lives in the most subtle and extreme ways) is so much more simple/complex... becasue falling in love isn't just chance, it's fun and exciting and reinvigorating... staying in love is hard and frustrating and confusing... and falling out of love is painful...
i cried when i left atlanta. my stomach was in knots during the drive out south. i sighed when i checked in at the airport. i made it through security, to starbucks for my routine trip, and found my gate. but when the plane backed out onto the runway i broke down. this has been a hard week; harder than the past month. in a sense, toni cade brought me full circle to a place in which i was forced to deal with multiple emotions. returning to austin has been one of the saddest moments of the past year...
1. atlanta: i am no longer a student at spelman. and by spelman, i mean the lifestyle that it symbolizes: pusuing an education in the midst of an intellectual space crafted for black women; having virtually any type of black social opportunity within a ten minute drive; seeing and interacting with people who look like me on a daily basis; having money; living with two other women; having the time to just "be" and spend time with black women friends; complain about the problems of the world with like-minded people; engage in mindless activities like watching cable tv and finding the perfect sale; working out on a regular basis; enjoying domestic chores like groccery shopping and doing laundry; searching for bootleg cds with the latest atl songs...
2. austin: i am a grad student, which means that i spend my days reading, writing papers, taking classes, and STRESSING. in some ways, this is the ideal life. many people would probably tell me to shut up and stop complaning. but i take a different approach to my current status - - this shit is hazing... my dad always tells me, "no one's going to give you a degree. you have to work for it." i remind myself on a daily basis that graduate school is a test of endurance, motive, and passion. the work is never-ending. there is not enough time to give every assignment full and equal treatment without sacrificing food/sleep/breathing. no one tells you how you are doing. there is no shoulder to cry on (at least as far as faculty are concerned). and it gets even deeper... there are few young, educated black people in austin. that means no hang-out spots, few cultural events, no social space on campus, and little socializing. our schedules are all so cramped that there is litle time to just sit and chat and do all of the small but significant things that allow you to relax, recoup, and feel like a fulling functioning person... there are certainly moments and even days when i enjoy my work, but most of the time my brain is just trying not to shut down from overload... i often feel that there is little room for emotion
3. family and friends: wonderful. i don't always take the time i should to touch base, but everyone is physically healthy and productive. my dad and sister are talking again. after this semester (and an academically rocky first year at college) my sister will be forced to enter a serious period of growth and maturing... my cousin and close friend have two of the most beautiful children i have ever seen. I LIKE CHILDREN... well, some times. slowly, i'm letting down my walls... most importantly, i have learned to love and appreciate the fact that my immediate and extended family are committed to supporting and protecting each other
4. relationships: and i've saved the best for last... back in october -fed up- i decided to pursue the "life of passion" constantly sold to us through tv and movies. i broke up with my boyfriend of four years. started dating martin. and for the first time, genuinely enjoyed falling in love by kissing, having long conversations and nights out on the town (corney as it may sound), exchanging dreams, cooking, etc., etc. then we took it a step further; we met each other's families. and it was all wonderful. and he is still wonderful. but a harsh reality has set in: i'm still not over chris. being in atlanta forced me to realize this. so, while he won't talk to me, emotionally, i have two relationships to deal with. this past week has pushed me through some tough realizations... a. i broke up with chris because i wanted wanted time to myself. part of it was to date other people, but i had no intention of getting into another relationship. now, here i am, five months later in a full relationship that has become serious... what the hell was i thinking? if we do get married, that little month was all the time that i gave myself. i'm at the point where i rarely spend time alone... don't get me wrong, i have no desire to date other people, i just should have forced myself to be alone so that i could sort out my feelings for chris and martin, adjust to life in austin alone, and decide when and what type of relationship i wanted. i feel like i've screwed everything up. b. by being in a new relationship, so close to an old one, my perception of both has be tainted by comparing the two. once again, what the hell was i thinking? part of the reason i broke up with chris was because i realized martin (not just another man) could offer me things chris couldn't. that forced me to view martin in a light of perfection that blinded me from a crucial process of healing. and now, thinking about chris, confuses me. i broke up with him for a reason- he needed to grow up and my being with him hindered that process. however, until meeting martin, i was always open to the idea of us getting back together at some point. and now i don't know. see, if i had given myself time alone i'd be better able to tell if i'm missing him because he represents a time when things were easier and i was happier or if i genuinely miss the person i was around him... i don't even know if i'm missing him because i wish we still had our friendship or if this is just a part of the process of letting go...
my mother always to tell me to let go and let God; to let it go and give it to God... i'm just not at the point where i'm willing to let go because i'm afraid of a greater plan that is out of my control. i just need to trust. trust
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE...
not sure who wrote this. i copied it off of a facebook page... ah, facebook... i think i would add to this statement, because "love" (this incredibly abstrat concept that somehow shapes our lives in the most subtle and extreme ways) is so much more simple/complex... becasue falling in love isn't just chance, it's fun and exciting and reinvigorating... staying in love is hard and frustrating and confusing... and falling out of love is painful...
i cried when i left atlanta. my stomach was in knots during the drive out south. i sighed when i checked in at the airport. i made it through security, to starbucks for my routine trip, and found my gate. but when the plane backed out onto the runway i broke down. this has been a hard week; harder than the past month. in a sense, toni cade brought me full circle to a place in which i was forced to deal with multiple emotions. returning to austin has been one of the saddest moments of the past year...
1. atlanta: i am no longer a student at spelman. and by spelman, i mean the lifestyle that it symbolizes: pusuing an education in the midst of an intellectual space crafted for black women; having virtually any type of black social opportunity within a ten minute drive; seeing and interacting with people who look like me on a daily basis; having money; living with two other women; having the time to just "be" and spend time with black women friends; complain about the problems of the world with like-minded people; engage in mindless activities like watching cable tv and finding the perfect sale; working out on a regular basis; enjoying domestic chores like groccery shopping and doing laundry; searching for bootleg cds with the latest atl songs...
2. austin: i am a grad student, which means that i spend my days reading, writing papers, taking classes, and STRESSING. in some ways, this is the ideal life. many people would probably tell me to shut up and stop complaning. but i take a different approach to my current status - - this shit is hazing... my dad always tells me, "no one's going to give you a degree. you have to work for it." i remind myself on a daily basis that graduate school is a test of endurance, motive, and passion. the work is never-ending. there is not enough time to give every assignment full and equal treatment without sacrificing food/sleep/breathing. no one tells you how you are doing. there is no shoulder to cry on (at least as far as faculty are concerned). and it gets even deeper... there are few young, educated black people in austin. that means no hang-out spots, few cultural events, no social space on campus, and little socializing. our schedules are all so cramped that there is litle time to just sit and chat and do all of the small but significant things that allow you to relax, recoup, and feel like a fulling functioning person... there are certainly moments and even days when i enjoy my work, but most of the time my brain is just trying not to shut down from overload... i often feel that there is little room for emotion
3. family and friends: wonderful. i don't always take the time i should to touch base, but everyone is physically healthy and productive. my dad and sister are talking again. after this semester (and an academically rocky first year at college) my sister will be forced to enter a serious period of growth and maturing... my cousin and close friend have two of the most beautiful children i have ever seen. I LIKE CHILDREN... well, some times. slowly, i'm letting down my walls... most importantly, i have learned to love and appreciate the fact that my immediate and extended family are committed to supporting and protecting each other
4. relationships: and i've saved the best for last... back in october -fed up- i decided to pursue the "life of passion" constantly sold to us through tv and movies. i broke up with my boyfriend of four years. started dating martin. and for the first time, genuinely enjoyed falling in love by kissing, having long conversations and nights out on the town (corney as it may sound), exchanging dreams, cooking, etc., etc. then we took it a step further; we met each other's families. and it was all wonderful. and he is still wonderful. but a harsh reality has set in: i'm still not over chris. being in atlanta forced me to realize this. so, while he won't talk to me, emotionally, i have two relationships to deal with. this past week has pushed me through some tough realizations... a. i broke up with chris because i wanted wanted time to myself. part of it was to date other people, but i had no intention of getting into another relationship. now, here i am, five months later in a full relationship that has become serious... what the hell was i thinking? if we do get married, that little month was all the time that i gave myself. i'm at the point where i rarely spend time alone... don't get me wrong, i have no desire to date other people, i just should have forced myself to be alone so that i could sort out my feelings for chris and martin, adjust to life in austin alone, and decide when and what type of relationship i wanted. i feel like i've screwed everything up. b. by being in a new relationship, so close to an old one, my perception of both has be tainted by comparing the two. once again, what the hell was i thinking? part of the reason i broke up with chris was because i realized martin (not just another man) could offer me things chris couldn't. that forced me to view martin in a light of perfection that blinded me from a crucial process of healing. and now, thinking about chris, confuses me. i broke up with him for a reason- he needed to grow up and my being with him hindered that process. however, until meeting martin, i was always open to the idea of us getting back together at some point. and now i don't know. see, if i had given myself time alone i'd be better able to tell if i'm missing him because he represents a time when things were easier and i was happier or if i genuinely miss the person i was around him... i don't even know if i'm missing him because i wish we still had our friendship or if this is just a part of the process of letting go...
my mother always to tell me to let go and let God; to let it go and give it to God... i'm just not at the point where i'm willing to let go because i'm afraid of a greater plan that is out of my control. i just need to trust. trust
Thursday, March 23, 2006
i haven't been this unhappy in awhile. it's been coming for a few weeks... first feelings of dissatisfaction. restlessness. dangerously longer periods of pocratination. bitterness. anger. and now i'm overwhelmed to the point of being subdued. i don't know what this is; if it's depression or hormones; if it's normal or slightly more serious. i'm not at the point of hating graduate school, but if i stay on this path i soon will... i don't seriously consider quitting, i just imagine what else i could be doing... working at a non-for profit... living in another country... in a differerent (shorter) graduate program... pursuing some glamorous life where i'm happy. and that's just the thing - - why should i be in a program where i'm not happy? it has nothing to do with my classes or the people... i'm not quite sure what it is. maybe i just need a change of attitude... and a trip to atlanta for toni cade:)
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
there is a rat in my apartment. i spent all afternoon at my place watching tv until about 7:30. then i went to wal-mart for about an hour. i came home, started boiling a pot of water and then took a shower. i was in my bathroom setting up my flat iron to do my hair when i notice a few little bugs on the floor. normally, i would have been horrified, but for some reason i decided to pick it up... but it wasn't a bug; it was a little turd... and not just little either. i've seen mouse poop before and this wasn't it. martin came by and confirmed it for me. then we packed my stuff and left. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE IN AN APARTMENT WHERE I SAW A RAT??? i want to move
Monday, March 13, 2006
for the love of music
this weekend was beautiful... right now i'm still glowing, humming jill scott (the second album) in my head, thinking about beauty of black people, music, good weather, and -for the first time in awhile- changing the world...
friday: last day of class for a week. no classes. no homework (well, of course there's always work to be done). i went to the BAR ON CAMPUS (can you believe that?) and got tipsy with a few classmates. black russians are the new drink. went out with Martin to the club for the first time all semester
saturday: i don't really remember the day... i just know that i did absolutely nothing. at night we went to a quirky movie theatre to see block party. drank wine, at chicken fingers, and creme brulee (yes, at the movie theatre). i realized that, although i could certainly live anywhere, for the sake of my spirit, i need to be near a major city with a diverse population. i wasn't born in one, but i've gotten used to it... there's no need to turn back now
can i just say that block party brought me to a new place; my love of dirty south music has spiraled out of control during the past few years- i had forgotten the incredible feeling of listening to quality to music... sort of. i had almost forgotten the beauty of being surrounded by black folk who live by surrounding themselves with music, who feel the beat, who can't help but move they hear a hot song, whose bodies respond to a familiar song... who are simultaneously down to earth, warm, socially/culturally in tune, and politically conscious...
sunday: just have thank moya for the email for the "before the music dies" premiere afterparty... it was one of the best concerts of my life. it opened with some amazing austin-based jazz and funk groups, then moved to this incredible electic guitar player named doyle-something. i really like his music, and probably would of like it more if i hadn't grown impatient waiting for erykah. she came out with this new group- funk sway... it's a collaboration of a bunch of musicians, including lisa and wendy (who played with prince for years -what yall know about purple rain?), a popular trumpet player based in austin, doyle, QUESTLOVE (gotta love him), dj jazzy jeff and others... erykah kicked the set off with green eyes and played for other songs. then the group played several together... but here's the best part: dj jazzy jeff surprised us with an hour-long party AFTER the concert ended. it was AMAZING - everything from michael jackson to stevie wonder to prince to seventies funk to seventies r&b to some 90s alternative hits... i'm inspired
now i wish that i had gone to the movie premiere yesterday... it's supposed to be about the state of the music industry (putting ten superficial songs into rotation at a time, limiting the artistic development of musicians, and calling for a change). it should be going nation-wide in the next few months... i'm excited. after last night, i feel like i can actually do something to help change the music industry... i'm craving a return to good music on the radio...
friday: last day of class for a week. no classes. no homework (well, of course there's always work to be done). i went to the BAR ON CAMPUS (can you believe that?) and got tipsy with a few classmates. black russians are the new drink. went out with Martin to the club for the first time all semester
saturday: i don't really remember the day... i just know that i did absolutely nothing. at night we went to a quirky movie theatre to see block party. drank wine, at chicken fingers, and creme brulee (yes, at the movie theatre). i realized that, although i could certainly live anywhere, for the sake of my spirit, i need to be near a major city with a diverse population. i wasn't born in one, but i've gotten used to it... there's no need to turn back now
can i just say that block party brought me to a new place; my love of dirty south music has spiraled out of control during the past few years- i had forgotten the incredible feeling of listening to quality to music... sort of. i had almost forgotten the beauty of being surrounded by black folk who live by surrounding themselves with music, who feel the beat, who can't help but move they hear a hot song, whose bodies respond to a familiar song... who are simultaneously down to earth, warm, socially/culturally in tune, and politically conscious...
sunday: just have thank moya for the email for the "before the music dies" premiere afterparty... it was one of the best concerts of my life. it opened with some amazing austin-based jazz and funk groups, then moved to this incredible electic guitar player named doyle-something. i really like his music, and probably would of like it more if i hadn't grown impatient waiting for erykah. she came out with this new group- funk sway... it's a collaboration of a bunch of musicians, including lisa and wendy (who played with prince for years -what yall know about purple rain?), a popular trumpet player based in austin, doyle, QUESTLOVE (gotta love him), dj jazzy jeff and others... erykah kicked the set off with green eyes and played for other songs. then the group played several together... but here's the best part: dj jazzy jeff surprised us with an hour-long party AFTER the concert ended. it was AMAZING - everything from michael jackson to stevie wonder to prince to seventies funk to seventies r&b to some 90s alternative hits... i'm inspired
now i wish that i had gone to the movie premiere yesterday... it's supposed to be about the state of the music industry (putting ten superficial songs into rotation at a time, limiting the artistic development of musicians, and calling for a change). it should be going nation-wide in the next few months... i'm excited. after last night, i feel like i can actually do something to help change the music industry... i'm craving a return to good music on the radio...
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
i don't know how old i was. i think i was at tuskegee university. my parents always used to bring my sister and i with them on cross-country trips where my father attended black nationalist conferences or presented at other black intellectual events. i was in middle school, i think. i remember walking thorugh a large open area outside of the middle rooms. i was still short. the windows were tall and filled the room with natural lighting. i walked passed tables of vendors, stopping at one covered with stacks of books. i was awestruck. a man behind the table- with long locks and silver rings with chunky stones- reached across the table. i saw his hand before i noticed him. he reached across the table holding this book. "you need to read this he said." i took it and looked at it. he told me the author was a great writer. and so i brought my mother over to buy it for me, along with another book, "Gal." now, if i had a similar encounter with him, i would have assumed he was just trying to sell me something. interestingly, the a similar level of passivity and indifference to others and their commands would probably result in a similar outcome. more importantly was the book he gave me: "Parable of the Sower". if my mother realized what i was reading i think she would have been disturbed. here i was- young, reading about extreme violence, sex, and a drastically different world in rather vivid description... but i was hooked. even more amazing was the gift given to me: one of the best pieces of writing i've ever read; a science fiction novel written by a black feminist woman. in many ways this marked my transition to more mature novels that moved beyond ghosts, vampires, and sappy loves stories from the juvenille section of the junction bookstore. i can't believe i read that book when i was so young. it's still my favorite. rest in peace Octavia Butler.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
i've decided that there needs to a simple, informative, and to-the-point book about women and their bodies. a quick guide book women can put on a shelf, nightstand, or in a desk drawer. something that introduces us to common occurrences with our bodies. let me explain: yesterday i go to the doctor. something with my body has been off for about a year now. (note: if you're not ready for the too much information segment, this is the part where you'll want to stop reading). i been having weird pains and abnormal bleeding... yesteday the doctor told me that i may have a cyst. now, not only did i have to ask her what a cyst was and where it came from, but i think she was trying to conceal her thoughts on how serious it is until i have an ultrasound. i asked her if it was large and she said yes. but i don't know if it is abnormally larger, dangerously large, etc. etc. you get the picture. my point is- here i am a young woman who's never had serious health issues, dealing with a doctor who either doesn't know how to break bad news or isn't the best at communicating with distraught patients. but someone/something needs to teach women like myself (fortunately, i have a mother who's been through this several times) what these basic health issues are, how serious they are, and what types of questions we should ask a physician to fully comprehend the situation at hand. because it took me three conversations with three women to feel even slightly at each, while i paid a doctor a lot of money to leave me hanging. i can only imagine what this would be like for women who are young, or who know nothing at all about their bodies. i can only think of how for the past several months i've been in pain and ignoring it because i barely stood still long enough notice. i'm even more frustrated with the doctor...
Saturday, February 04, 2006
"Something New"
last night some friends and I went to see the movie "Something New"... i'm not sure how i feel. it's nothing like crash, where you leave the theatre wondering what the hell happened; whether you should be happly that racial predjudices are being exposed through the mass media or pissed off that the white man who sexually assaulted the black woman (whose husband had a conk!) redeemed himself by saving her life. or maybe it was the same... the same catch 22. on the one hand. the movie is extremely entertaining, tapping into the fantasies of young, heterosexual, single middle-class/professional black women frustrated with the lack of men at their "level" (aka with a college degree, job, property owning, etc.). the movie's characters are relateable (is that even a word?): they're intellegent and successful, bourgeois but still able to have a good time. but there is an interesting message that permeates the film. we can't have it all without a partner. even if we have perfectly good friends. more importantly, that we can't find that ideal mate who is our socioeconomic equal. two of the women in the movie find a mate. one is the protagonist's friend, who marries a black cook she meets at a rich white woman's engagement party. the other is the protagonist, who finds the perfect man --who is white. once again, i can acknowledge that this has always been a secret fantasy of mine. however, he isn't just her dream man; he helps her become her TRUE SELF. this is where "Something New's" "what the fuck?" moment occurs. first, he is aparently everything black women (and black men) apparently can't be: free-spirited hippies who connect with "the folk" through community gardens, nature lovers, dog lovers, and willing to drift from corporate america. then, there's the moment when he tells her he wants to see her completely naked- aka without a weave. finally, there's the complete transformation she takes emotionally, spiritually and physically once with him - a process she apparently couldn't undergo on her own or with her friends. so what messages does this send to black women and, more interestingly, people who aren't black women (or black men)? is it worth being mad? or should i just be happy to see a black woman protagonist in a "positive" role?
Thursday, February 02, 2006
today i've made a new discovery: hormones are a bitch. actually, i already knew about it. but today is the first time i've decided to put it in writing. every month, around or during that time of the month i become increasingly irritable. maybe i'm preaching to the choir... i hate those moments when you (i) realize that you've just snapped at someone or gotten annoyed with someone for something that normally wouldn't even bother you. and it's not like there's a switch to turn off- you're stuck with the pissy mood until another one takes over. so, this morning i wake up only to become pissy five minutes later... part of it was for a good reason. but another part was this uncontrollable feeling of irritation that stayed with me for the rest of the morning, only to slip into self pity. i'm not normally like this. i don't like being like this. it's 70degrees and sunny outside with a perfect wind- yet i just want to take a nap.
p.s. this isn't to validate any assertions men like to make about women regarding pms. they get pissy and moody just as often. what's their excuse?
p.s. this isn't to validate any assertions men like to make about women regarding pms. they get pissy and moody just as often. what's their excuse?
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
just came from a faculty-student discussion on the doctoral program. one of the professors was a black woman in social work, who studied intervention among vicitms of domestic violence who were substance abusers. an interesting comment: she noted that, in the process of studying/researching substance abusers, she had become a substance abuser. her substance was her research. we all laughed at her comment because it was true and a bit scary. how many times do we let ourselves become so wrapped-up in our work that it becomes our sole driver? how many times do we let it become so important that we put it before food/sleep/free-time/breathing? of course, i can't relate to this entirely. i still welcome every distraction i can get from work. not that i don't enjoy; but because i crave social interaction in a new place that is still becoming familiar. come to think of it- i was the only first year in the room. maybe its a warning for the future... food for thought.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
why Texas is out of control
so today i logged into the University of Texas at Austin bookstore website... not sure if you all know, but a couple of weeks ago Texas beat USC to win the national football championship. it's kind of a big deal for texas fans... ya'll know i could care less. meanwhile, there is a special page on the website dedicated to the 2006 Championship, like footballs, pre-ordered dvds, books ("Texas Pride: the Story of a Championship"), mugs, posters, shotglasses, tshirts, beer mugs, wastebaskets, license plates... .... .... and it goes on for another eighteen pages. but my favorite item: a football autographed by Vince Young for $199.99. are u fucking serious??? sigh... why Texas, why?
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