yesterday we had our history dept graduate reception. it included a mix of new and senior students, professors and faculty. i was the only black person there. i expected some sort of culture shock in attending UT at Austin, but i've been fine. however, yesterday, during our first interactions, people started acting up. in particular, one man attempted to check me during a simple conversation. the graduate coordinator introduced him to me. he was wearing a shirt, tie and dress slacks. i say this because the majority of students wear jeans, washed-out t-shirts, and flip-flops. i assumed he was a professor. within thirty seconds of talking he questioned a simple response to one of his questions. giving him the benefit of a doubt, i wondered if i was unclear. later, when talking about my travels to Cuba, he asked if Cubans or Americans arranged the travel tours. i responded, "us." he asked, "who's us?" now at this point i want to say, "negro, who do you think is us? do are either of us from Cuba?" instead, i respond, people from the U.S. [side note: i think we need to get out of the habit of using the term American in referring to people from the U.S. i know that it's how we're socialized, but it's a bit arrogant to label ourselves as "Americans" and all other people in the Americas by their respective nationalities]. this is when the alarm finally goes off, and i move to talk to someone else.

earlier in the day, i went to a Black graduate student reception. the director of the Center for African and African American Studies (CAAAS) acknowledged that students in Ph.D. and masters programs often receive the lowest funding offers. he said that while they knew we were qualified, our departments often think otherwise. and while were are aware of racism as children- and speak of it often at Spelman- i think that there is little that can prepare us for the hurt and frustration that comes from being viewed/treated as less simply for being Black women. i hope that i never get used to it; doing so would mean that i had fully embraced cynicism and lost hope.

meanwhile, i think there are several ways to deal with it. we can fight it. we can find humor in it. and we can work to assure each other that we are smart, capable, and entitled. they've been told it their whole lives.

i for one have a new mantra. ready? I AM THE SHIT. why? because i am twenty-two years-old, i got into one of my top PhD programs -on the first round, WITH FUNDING- and i'm living my dream, and i'm just getting started. i think that everyone who reads this to tell them shit that they are the shit too. and we're not going to down to our imbedded gender behaviors that make us feel guilty for being aware of our inner brilliance. i'm not a bitch or cocky or snobby. i'm confident. and i'm going to keep telling myself that i'm the shit until i learn another way to deal with bullshit. who knows, i just might put it on a t-shirt.