No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE...

not sure who wrote this. i copied it off of a facebook page... ah, facebook... i think i would add to this statement, because "love" (this incredibly abstrat concept that somehow shapes our lives in the most subtle and extreme ways) is so much more simple/complex... becasue falling in love isn't just chance, it's fun and exciting and reinvigorating... staying in love is hard and frustrating and confusing... and falling out of love is painful...

i cried when i left atlanta. my stomach was in knots during the drive out south. i sighed when i checked in at the airport. i made it through security, to starbucks for my routine trip, and found my gate. but when the plane backed out onto the runway i broke down. this has been a hard week; harder than the past month. in a sense, toni cade brought me full circle to a place in which i was forced to deal with multiple emotions. returning to austin has been one of the saddest moments of the past year...

1. atlanta: i am no longer a student at spelman. and by spelman, i mean the lifestyle that it symbolizes: pusuing an education in the midst of an intellectual space crafted for black women; having virtually any type of black social opportunity within a ten minute drive; seeing and interacting with people who look like me on a daily basis; having money; living with two other women; having the time to just "be" and spend time with black women friends; complain about the problems of the world with like-minded people; engage in mindless activities like watching cable tv and finding the perfect sale; working out on a regular basis; enjoying domestic chores like groccery shopping and doing laundry; searching for bootleg cds with the latest atl songs...

2. austin: i am a grad student, which means that i spend my days reading, writing papers, taking classes, and STRESSING. in some ways, this is the ideal life. many people would probably tell me to shut up and stop complaning. but i take a different approach to my current status - - this shit is hazing... my dad always tells me, "no one's going to give you a degree. you have to work for it." i remind myself on a daily basis that graduate school is a test of endurance, motive, and passion. the work is never-ending. there is not enough time to give every assignment full and equal treatment without sacrificing food/sleep/breathing. no one tells you how you are doing. there is no shoulder to cry on (at least as far as faculty are concerned). and it gets even deeper... there are few young, educated black people in austin. that means no hang-out spots, few cultural events, no social space on campus, and little socializing. our schedules are all so cramped that there is litle time to just sit and chat and do all of the small but significant things that allow you to relax, recoup, and feel like a fulling functioning person... there are certainly moments and even days when i enjoy my work, but most of the time my brain is just trying not to shut down from overload... i often feel that there is little room for emotion

3. family and friends: wonderful. i don't always take the time i should to touch base, but everyone is physically healthy and productive. my dad and sister are talking again. after this semester (and an academically rocky first year at college) my sister will be forced to enter a serious period of growth and maturing... my cousin and close friend have two of the most beautiful children i have ever seen. I LIKE CHILDREN... well, some times. slowly, i'm letting down my walls... most importantly, i have learned to love and appreciate the fact that my immediate and extended family are committed to supporting and protecting each other

4. relationships: and i've saved the best for last... back in october -fed up- i decided to pursue the "life of passion" constantly sold to us through tv and movies. i broke up with my boyfriend of four years. started dating martin. and for the first time, genuinely enjoyed falling in love by kissing, having long conversations and nights out on the town (corney as it may sound), exchanging dreams, cooking, etc., etc. then we took it a step further; we met each other's families. and it was all wonderful. and he is still wonderful. but a harsh reality has set in: i'm still not over chris. being in atlanta forced me to realize this. so, while he won't talk to me, emotionally, i have two relationships to deal with. this past week has pushed me through some tough realizations... a. i broke up with chris because i wanted wanted time to myself. part of it was to date other people, but i had no intention of getting into another relationship. now, here i am, five months later in a full relationship that has become serious... what the hell was i thinking? if we do get married, that little month was all the time that i gave myself. i'm at the point where i rarely spend time alone... don't get me wrong, i have no desire to date other people, i just should have forced myself to be alone so that i could sort out my feelings for chris and martin, adjust to life in austin alone, and decide when and what type of relationship i wanted. i feel like i've screwed everything up. b. by being in a new relationship, so close to an old one, my perception of both has be tainted by comparing the two. once again, what the hell was i thinking? part of the reason i broke up with chris was because i realized martin (not just another man) could offer me things chris couldn't. that forced me to view martin in a light of perfection that blinded me from a crucial process of healing. and now, thinking about chris, confuses me. i broke up with him for a reason- he needed to grow up and my being with him hindered that process. however, until meeting martin, i was always open to the idea of us getting back together at some point. and now i don't know. see, if i had given myself time alone i'd be better able to tell if i'm missing him because he represents a time when things were easier and i was happier or if i genuinely miss the person i was around him... i don't even know if i'm missing him because i wish we still had our friendship or if this is just a part of the process of letting go...

my mother always to tell me to let go and let God; to let it go and give it to God... i'm just not at the point where i'm willing to let go because i'm afraid of a greater plan that is out of my control. i just need to trust. trust