yesterday, while driving, martin looks at me, smiles, and says "let's get married." i look over at him like he's crazy. i respond, "not now." he looks disappointed. i explain that i'm not ready to get married yet. that i had things i wanted to do first. he asks, "what kind of things." i hadn't quite thought of those things, except to live and not be married. so i told him the first thing that popped into my head. "travel...," i catch myself, "not that we wouldn't travel once married. there are just certain things that i've always wanted to do by myself that i wouldn't feel right doing if we were married."

i wasn't lying. but the truth is that i've always been afraid of marriage. not sure why. i look forward to planning my wedding and going through the actual day; but the day after is another story. this, perhaps, is the greatest difference between martin and i. when he thinks of marriage, he sees us sharing the rest of our lives together. i, on the other hand, see myself miserable at the age of 40. i don't know what brought this on. maybe it's that i have yet to see a truly happy couple (including my parents) at twenty+ years of marriage. everyone says it's hard work. funny, all the movies tell us that it is -that is should be- easy and fun. maybe it's that my relationship with martin started out easy and fun, and has transitioned into a rocky state in which we're finally forced to deal with some serious personality differences among the two of us. i find myself wondering, "can i deal with this for the rest of my life?" or "this is not what i signed up for" or "i'm too young to be going through this" ... i'm learning a lot about the both of us: i don't like confrontation, not even in relationships. i hate drama. i'd rather let things go by telling myself that it's not that serious. i'm tempted to run when confronted with criticism. in a way i shut down when unexpectedly confronted, i rarely lack the motive to fight back. (is this how chris felt?) martin lets nothing go. if he's told something is going to happen, he holds the person to it. he expects affection on a regular basis, especially during daily ritual moments (saying hi, goodbye, going to bed, etc.). failure to do so is a direct and very personal assault. as one can imagine, the past week has been emotionally trying and somewhat draining. i'm often pushed to the point of the indifference about the whole situation. if anyone has any idea why, please tell me...

so, basically, i'm not so sure that i believe in marriage... at the moment, i don't think it's natural. socially expected, yes. economically practical, maybe. but what alternative is there? what is the real difference between a long-term relationship and marriage beyond the ability to leave without breaking a "sacred" religious pact? ...and i'll take it a step further: sometimes i feel like love is a bunch of bullshit. i'm tired of sappy scenes on tv and in movies. love songs are stupid. hopeless romantics are trapped in a state of self-denial. harsh and pessimistic - yes i know. but, at the moment, i fail to see the beauty of love. chris used to tell me that our relationship would work as long as we wanted it to. i thought that it had just run its course. but now i realize he was right. our relationship failed because i stopped wanting it to. he gave up because he realized my desires were to be somewhere else. so now, if martin and i are going to work, i have to want it so bad that i'll put up with all of the drama. and i'm struggling to maintain the energy, stamina, and motive to keep up. again, if anyone can help me i'd greatly appreciate it.

and on the subject of chris... after almost seven months, not a day goes by that i don't think about our relationship. (i hesitate to even write this because of how it blew up in my face last time, but blogging is therapy for me...) i've gotten better. i haven't had any recent moments when i break down and cry while driving, walking to class, cooking, or sitting on the couch. i no longer have moments when the desire to contact him becomes physically painful. i no longer crave seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, or catching him watch me while i sleep. i don't remember what kissing him was like. i rarely think about his hands, or his feet, or him bobbing his head to music in the car while driving downtown. it's been ages since i've laughed about his thing for candles and "fresh air." i still look at martin and remind myself that he treats me exactly how i've always wanted. everytime i have a good memory of chris i'm able to remind myself of those moments that led to our breaking up. but i still find myself wanting to ask him certain questions i know he'd have the answer to. i wonder what he would think about the latest three six mafia or jamie foxx song. i think of funny things that happen and know he'd appreciate hearing them. most importantly, i miss the space our relationshp provided in which i could go to his apartment, change into his sweats, curl up on the couch, and forget about the outside world. i don't have that anymore. and i don't know if it grad school or being out of that relationship that changed things...

and i feel super guilty for even having these thoughts while being with martin. part of the problem is that this relationship has been so close to my previous one. and they so completely different. but my heart feels so heavy. i feel like i have so little to give. and the extent to which martin is enamored with me makes me feel that i'm incapabable of ever being able to reach such a level. i am so incredibly confused that i almost feel like i need time to myself, but i'm afraid it will do more harm than good to a potentially great relationship...