tell love that i'm angry

the painful reality of life: it's hard. not just because of these "systems of oppression" that we're always trying to deconstruct, but also the mundane inconveniences... responsibilities, going to work, paying bills.. recognizing that a "vacation" is a taste of a very privileged and ideal lifestyle you'll never fully experience. i wish i could move back to atlanta and live in a cute apartment, go out to lunch twice a week, a club or two every couple of weeks, be surrounded by black people, and dedicate myself to something that i wholly enjoy. is that possible?

which is why i've directed my anger towards love. first- i'm angry in general that we're sold this idea of happiness that is continual. it's bullshit. constant bliss and pleasure is bullshit. happiness comes as moments, periods even, but balanced with stages that are extremely awkward, uncomfortable, and painful... and confusing. and we've been sold the same image of love: that of a constant, unabiding, "i'll know it when and feel it," and uncomplicated state of being with another person. also bullshit.

several realizations & subsequent questions have occurred/arisen within recent weeks...
fighting sucks
how much fighting is too much?
how bad should it be?
is it possible to overcome personal flaws that cause such fighting?
how much pain (emotional) is too much?
sometimes i'm just indifferent to it all
sometimes one gives more than is returned
sometimes one loves the other more
fighting sucks
what if marriage is destined to lead to unhappiness?
what if i never get over my past?
what would happen if i just called?
love is a choice
it could always be worse
it could always be better
sometimes i'd rather deal with the bullshit and have good laughs in between than have all of my complaints resolved and no challenge to just enjoy the moment
maybe we'd make better friends
maybe it's all in my head
maybe i'll get over it
which is better: security in love or love that takes you out of your element?
am i just romanticizing the past, or do i miss it?
no one has all of the answers
why can't there be a guidebook?
we're sooo much alike that sometimes, when i get angry at him, i feel like i'm fighting against myself...
fighting sucks
is it wrong to take a break?
why do i keep feeling trapped by the boundaries that are a "relationship"?
i wish we never became official
everything was so much easier in the beginning
i am trying to run away?
isn't finding someone that dedicated more important that having fun?
isn't fun relative?
maybe it gets better with time...

if anyone has any ideas, please help me out