i believe in love.

i believe in falling in love; in nourishing and cultivating something deep and fulfilling that can endure years...

but, when my romantic visions meet the actual relationships that i surround me, i become doubtful... when those initial romantic feelings transition into a RELATIONSHIP... at what cost do we keep "love" in our lives?

i'll admit it: my pessimistic outlook stems from my two previous relationships. the first had everything i thought i wanted, but ended when i realized that he was unable to deal with his demons in a healthy manner. the second left my cup more than full... until i realized that a relationship with no emotional commitment/stability was just a straw house... in both cases i realized that i had to move on because the emotional instability was (seriously) driving me crazy

beyond all of this, my frustration comes from the recognition of how gender roles allow men to selfishly pursue their dreams or deal/not deal with their baggage and be taken care of without having to reciprocate all of this in their relationships with women who deal with this "out of love." and so many acknowledge this imbalance and sometimes even feel entitled. i feel irritated by all of this bullshit in the popular culture that suggests men want forever be bachelors while women dream of being married from the age of 3 (which usually seems to be true) --- yet studies show that men live longer, healthier and happier lives when they marry while women are more likely to sacrifice their interests, die violently, and feel unsatisfied with their lives.

a woman i had drinks with recently told me that she was once demanding like me, but realized by her forties that compromises had to be made in order to have a relationship with a man - particularly a black man. compromises? i can make compromises - making dinner when he's tired, going hiking when i'd rather spend the day at the beach, etc., etc. ... and i'm all about being a person's cheerleader, nurse when they are sick, and keeping sex interesting...

but is it possible to compromise in a manner that is healthy for women in addition to men? what would this even look like? i'm not sure...