1. i'm in atlanta

2. i presented at a conference yesterday. food for thought: you cannot travel to another country for several weeks and expect to walk away understanding what life is like. tour groups in a country under a dictatorship do not show you the realities of life. tour groups are a purposely CONSTRUCTED experience that will rarely take you outside of the realm of tourism, that is, spaces created/maintained for foreigners (think about it... how many people in a poor country live in the tourist sector). i'll leave it at that...

2. yesterday, at toni cade, dr. k asked everyone what they were fighting for. i said self-preservation. i feel it every time i visit my family in chicago and see yuppies as their new neighbors, and i wonder how long it'll take before they'll have to move out. i go to austin and see blacks being pushed out of yet ANOTHER neighborhood because it's become prime real estate. and i return to atlanta, only to find that there are parts of the west end that i won't recognize in ten years. their erasing our history with each family kicked out, each home torn down, and each condo erected. i feel like i/we are being wiped out...

3. i am painfully aware of class (and my class privilege) everywhere i turn: at the airport, at the public high school where i now work, on the bus to school, in the cafeteria. all the more reason to dedicate myself to an activist-centered lifestyle.

4. i still love atlanta. must figure out how to return in 4-5 years... unless i get a job to live closer to my parents...

had a long talk with three black women last week. mental note: don't ever let so much time without surrounding myself with black women again.

five days into my temp gig working nights. everytime i try to hate it i look around at the people twice my age who never went to school. another reason to work harder.

yesterday, while at work, i heard this rock song about this guy whose friends had died. i started thinking about the people my age who haven't made it this far: josie freshman year; rachel's brother sophomore year; chris and tyler junior year; nate, nekia, amanda... way too many. and i know that they certainly didn't wake up counting down the hours. so i figured, either i could focus on hating life in austin, this shitty (but privileged) process of graduate school, and working nights for only three weeks, or i could be happy that i am independent, surrounding by wonderful people, and earning money. so now i'm trying to stop taking myself so seriously... again

i'm bored here in austin. and, after a summer of feeling unsettled and lonely, after a year of feeling out of place, i'm starting to wonder if i'm where i'm supposed to be. what part of the process is this? am i constantly doubting my current position because this is not the path i'm supposed to be following? or is it just a challenge to test my endurance and motivation? i keep thinking about my classes that are to begin in a few weeks, and i'm far from excited. my friends are beginning to come back, and i just want to hide. i don't want to be reminded of school. i don't want to think about being intimidated by professors, of racing to stay on top of my work and never being satisfied with my progress. grad school is a horrible, horrible process... and yet i'm privileged to be provided with a part-time job that pays my rent and spend my days reading.

i think that i might be taking on too much job-wise, but my almost negative bank account has me feeling the need to rebuild the cushion that allows me to sleep well at night. i'll never get used to being broke.

maybe i just need a break from austin, but i hesitate to move. i always fear that my "breaks" from a space in which i'm unhappy are actually an escape, leaving me back in my original place of discontent upon returning... maybe even a bit unhappier. which brings me to capitalism and shopping. the concept of vacations are interesting... most people who vacation save money that they earn at jobs that they hate, to get away from the jobs that they hate and live in a temporary space of non-reality (not the life that they hate), only to return to the job that they hate. what's the point? why not find a job that provides pleasure, and use vacations to gain perspective that will enhance rest of their life... or am i being idealistic. why do we work? why not sacrifice the job that pays a lot of money and sacrifice material needs. or better yet, why not recognize that material "needs" deepen our unhappiness... now i am being idealistic. if anyone has any insight, help me out...

Friday

so i've been trying to get my hustle on. i'm going to be a TA in the fall, but to make sure that i could pay ALL of the bills (since my TA salary just won't cut it), i went out and got a second job... or three... i've applied for this temp overnight position at the campus bookstore that, if i get it, will put an extra $800 or so in my pocket. i've started training for a desk clerk position at the la quinta inn where i'll be working weekends. finally, i've just been accepted to the americorps college forward program. this is what i'm most excited about- i get to help gear high school students towards preparing for and applying to colleges. am i crazy to be taking all of this on with a full course load, yes. but, the hotel job should provide me with 3-4 hours each shift with nothing to do other than read... and if it becomes too much i can always stop working... meanwhile, i've got bills to pay...

day 5

every once in awhile i have these days where i think about chris for extended periods of time. i call them bad chris days. they pop up unexpectedly, seemingly triggered by nothing in particular. i've been having one for the past two weeks... at first i wondered if, nine months later, i found myself thinking about him with such intensity because i was meant to be with him. but one thing i've never lost sight of is that i needed to end our relationship. i don't regret it. i just keep wondering why i keep coming back to this... why things still feel so unfinished. it's frustrating; i'm with someone who is everything i ever hoped for, and i wasn't even looking. it feels so stable, so nurturing, and so complete, and yet... last friday i was talking to one of my friends who met him before i did. apparently, his freshman year he fell for another student -hard- but she wasn't feeling him. i mean, it took a minute for him to get over her. i think that as a result he put a wall up that i had only begun to break down after four years. so two things about that conversation made me think. first, that he was able to connect with someone in a short period of time that took he and i years to develop. when i look at the way that martin and i interact and the way that he treats me it just makes me think, damn. it makes me wonder why chris and i couldn't get that. because i'm just not at a place where i can accept that we had no business being together. especially not after four years. maybe it was him and his immaturity. maybe it was me and my passivity. it's just hard because the thought that he could have something better with someone who is not me makes me feel inadequate. and that hurts. which brings me to the second problem: thinking about all of the makes me want to try it again. to fix things. to deal with the challenge presented...

day 4

ok so i broke down and watched the tyra show. definitely a waste of time. i've spent a lot of time alone, seeing martin for only about an hour each day. i've cut back on my phone time (slightly). it's wonderful. i sleep alone. i get up alone. i eat alone. i feel a little bit more relaxed. my thoughts are a bit clearer and less scattered. no deep thoughts yet...

day 2

yesterday i started a two week detox. restricting the amount/types of food that i put in my mouth has already demonstrated just how much power i give to food. ...and just how temporary the pleasure i receive from eating is... i'll be honest, i was frustrated when i couldn't put any mustard on my sandwhich for lunch. disgusted by my breakfast of raw oats, seeds, almonds, and dried fruits. and i amost broke down when martin fixed himself a steak fajita for dinner last night. but i made it, and i'm almost done with day two...

p.s. i've also sworn off tv (project runway not included) for the duration of the detox. hopefully it will get me back on track for thinking about the conference paper i need to write by the end of september... in other words, feel free to call me!

seeking...

stress is a bitch. i've never been good with dealing with it. i used to think that i was because i never considered myself to be stressed out... then, during my senior year of high school i realized that my body dealt with the stress that my conscious mind avoided. while applying for college and dealing with graduation and the stress of a large transition i developed extremely painful headaches. my dentist told me it was because i developed a habit of grinding my teach at night. so over the years i've begun to file my teeth down, leaving me with headaches caused by jaws sore from being clenched for hours and hours (even during the day). i have to wear a night guard until i'm at least 30.

during college i was diagnosed with ibs (maybe i'm reaching the TMI line again...). so, in addition to grinding my teeth, my stomach now responds to stress, leaving me with cramps, feelings of uneasiness...

and now, at 22 i've been placed on my doctor's watch list for ovarian cysts. my allergies and eczema are out of control. i constantly find myself with some new physical injury (though i do little more than walk to and from class and work). and i'm always tired. i space out in the middle of conversations and forget what i'm talking about. but what sucks is that i know that going to the doctor won't help. the majority of my physical issues are directly related to the fact that i've never learned how to handle stress... so at twenty-two i feel like i'm literally falling apart.

i need a serious physical and mental detox, but i'm so overwhelmed that i'm almost paralyzed with fear. i've become a zombie. i have little interest in anything but tv. and when i stop to think i'm overpowered with feelings of failure. of not being good enough. of not working hard enough. of not saving enough. of not being nice enough. of not being liked enough. then i start to plan my great escape from austin and graduate school, only to give up when realizing that my fears will following me to the end of the earth and that struggle is a part of this process called life... i just wish i could learn how to deal with it in a way that was healthier. i don't want to become a black woman academic, middle-aged and half out of her mind and in a perpetual state of hopelessness

as usual i'm anxious and quite uncomfortable with standing still... financially, i'm unsecure. i need a job in order to meet my goal of having rent money and saving to go to cuba in december. my savings is a joke. and, after a year of being out of college, i still struggle with successfully budgeting my money for food. oh, and i'm addicted to retail. corporate america is so tempting - to have a steady paycheck of more than 1200 a month is a dream. i'd love to be able to save hundreds of dollars a month. buy a condo. each at a good restaurant once a week. and embrace my passion for beautiful shoes. but the 9-5, 40 hr a week concept is a nightmare. thus, i stay satisfied with my current position. i have a great apartment. i've taken several trips this year alone. my car is in good condition and ready to take me anywhere my heart desires. i need nothing. i'd just like the security of being able to save money again... i'm trying to be cheap again. i left old navy without buying the two, very cute pairs of capri jeans. i didn't make the planned run to target to buy containers to organize drawers and closets in my apartment (my obsession of the moment).

our generation is so impatient. we want everything in the moment. i remember the strangest concept i've ever heard from a financial planner: waiting until u have enough saved to make purchases. i've never seen such a thing done. sure my mom always paid utility bills and the mortgage from her checking account, but a car? a vacation? clothes? it's interesting that so many of us are so in need of immediate satisfaction that place ourselves at the mercy of creditors (who charge a ridiculous amount of interest) that wait a year to buy big screen tvs, laptops, and furniture... even more frustrating is the need for success. here i am, 22 years old, and i want to be a guy-sheftall. i want to be publishing, lecturing, tenured, and traveling the world. i want to start a program that provides a new and profound approach to the intellectual development of the next generation. clearly, i'm not ready. i just wish i was - or at least a little less anxious

i'm trying something new for the summer... let me start with a story: this morning a couple of classmates and i decided not to go back to class after the break (well, we went back about 45 minutes late). in previous conversations i found myself offended by some of the comments made. today, however, i realized that she is a really cool, inspiring person with a lot of cool experiences and who thinks out of the box. so, i'm going to try something new: to try appreciating people for the goodness they have to offer. maybe it sounds super simple, but i have a habit of avoiding people who make me feel uncomfortable... meanwhile, i'm missing out

standing still

i've been in l.a. since wednesday night. it's my first time here... an interesting place. huge for one. about 90% of it looks the same; some a bit nicer than others but still similar. then there are the newer, suburbanesque areas or more lavish, ritsy areas. aside from the fact that the black social scene is SO much better than austin, i don't quite get the hype...

aside from exploring new corners of the world, i've finally realized just how much tv i watch. crystal doesn't have cable, just one channel that doesn't work half the time. at first i tried to ignore it by staying out of the house. then it became painful. i got annoyed. then frustrated. finally, i woke up this morning realizing that i had to find an alternative; turning the tv on would wake up everyone in the house. i spent some time on the internet, got bored, and decided to read the book i checked out from the library... which is another interesting story: 22 years later, i've finally discovered the true beauty of a library. sure i enjoy finding books relevant to my research. however, being in the current broke state in which i'm in at the moment, i'm finally looking to the library for books for personal enjoyment. i know this sounds incredibly strange, but my dad raised my sister and i to develop a library of our own. i've always read books that i bought first. it's even kind of weired to be reading a book that isn't mine- i don't expect this to make any sense to anyone but me...

SO, while reading, i started to notice things about myself and my surroundings... like reading the space around you solely by listening to the outdoors... allowing your mind to drift from one subject to another without the distraction of the television (which can be so abrasive and intrusive in a perfectly subtle way)... listening to youself breathe... noticing that my body craves water or more sleep....

sitting still for the first time in MONTHS, i realize the need to be away from the television more often. i wasted so much time this past school year. i could have accomplished so much more. written better papers. read books better. read more books. tapped into a creative energy i have denied for years. figured out how to be happy in life a a grown-up dealing with bullshit on a daily basis... i wonder what i've been hiding from. i tell people that i have basic cable for the "essential" shows - top model, the apprentice, oprah- but, honestly, i'll watch almost anything. i've told myself it's the necessary space in which to sit and do nothing; a way to de-stress... but is it really? especially when i'm wasting so much time? and i've also said that it helps keep me informed to participate in the intellectual discourse on pop culture... maybe it's my way of hiding from life.

one thing this past year away from spelman has helped me realize is that life can be cold, lonely, and painful... what's frustrating is that most of what exists in grad school is no different from the rest of the world, expect that i am in a serious position of privilege getting paid to read books and help teach students, working towards a ph.d. it's just so frustrating to realize that hazing, having to make small talk with people who don't have your best interest at heart, kissing up to people who aren't nice, working your ass off for little or no recognition, never feeling accomplished, etc., etc., are all a part of dealing with being an adult. and there is the fear of failure...

so i cover it up by watching tv. and by shopping. this weekend, i promised myself that i was going to devote my low funds to finding a dress to wear to a wedding next week and locating the perfect pair of peep-toe flats... instead i spent several hundred dollars buying dresses without a place to wear them, shirts knowing that none of my classmates take fashion as seriously as i (in other words, i'm wasting my time and should instead be maximizing my current wardrobe), and drinking (alcohol is a whole other blog, i'm going to give it up for the summer after the wedding and force myself to get back into shape)... even know, as i watch my account dwindle, i keep a close eye on these cute steve madden flats for when they drop below 29.99... i do this every summer. the anxiety of finally sitting still after a busy school year usually leads to my funneling my insecurities and worries into a costly shopping spree. at least the good thing is that i don't spend money that i don't actually have. (i hate credit cards) meanwhile, while i can stand in my closet and smile thinking about the new shoes, dresses, shirts, i have bought and will buy - the concerns and insecurities remain... in other words, i remain in hiding... however, this summer i won't have a job anytime soon. maybe it's time to apply my creativity to something cheaper and more productive...

three reasons to hide from pop culture

1. kathy griffin's show on comedy central, titled "Kathy Griffin: Strong Black Woman"
all i have to say is "REALLY, Kathy?" too many layers to begin to picking this show apart.

2. Jack Black's new movie, "Nacho Libre." not only is it insensitive given the current political climate, but it's racist to the point where i don't understand why no one is mad. he picks up a spanish accent and cape for the part, kind of a comedic take on zorro. it's a mockery of spanish-american culture (aka a minstrel show). it's the kind of thing you would expect from some frat boys.

3. a rap song that i heard on the radio two weeks ago, talking about "lick it, lick it, suck it for an outfit." now i love black culture, especially among our generation, but so many elements are out of control. i think we have the best beats ever. it's amazing to see the distinctions in music, fashion, language, dancing, etc. among regions within the U.S. however, every day it becomes more and more painful to listen to such music, knowing that it creates serious tensions in black relationships, whether they be friendships or sexual. hmm... a new documentary idea?...

yesterday, while driving, martin looks at me, smiles, and says "let's get married." i look over at him like he's crazy. i respond, "not now." he looks disappointed. i explain that i'm not ready to get married yet. that i had things i wanted to do first. he asks, "what kind of things." i hadn't quite thought of those things, except to live and not be married. so i told him the first thing that popped into my head. "travel...," i catch myself, "not that we wouldn't travel once married. there are just certain things that i've always wanted to do by myself that i wouldn't feel right doing if we were married."

i wasn't lying. but the truth is that i've always been afraid of marriage. not sure why. i look forward to planning my wedding and going through the actual day; but the day after is another story. this, perhaps, is the greatest difference between martin and i. when he thinks of marriage, he sees us sharing the rest of our lives together. i, on the other hand, see myself miserable at the age of 40. i don't know what brought this on. maybe it's that i have yet to see a truly happy couple (including my parents) at twenty+ years of marriage. everyone says it's hard work. funny, all the movies tell us that it is -that is should be- easy and fun. maybe it's that my relationship with martin started out easy and fun, and has transitioned into a rocky state in which we're finally forced to deal with some serious personality differences among the two of us. i find myself wondering, "can i deal with this for the rest of my life?" or "this is not what i signed up for" or "i'm too young to be going through this" ... i'm learning a lot about the both of us: i don't like confrontation, not even in relationships. i hate drama. i'd rather let things go by telling myself that it's not that serious. i'm tempted to run when confronted with criticism. in a way i shut down when unexpectedly confronted, i rarely lack the motive to fight back. (is this how chris felt?) martin lets nothing go. if he's told something is going to happen, he holds the person to it. he expects affection on a regular basis, especially during daily ritual moments (saying hi, goodbye, going to bed, etc.). failure to do so is a direct and very personal assault. as one can imagine, the past week has been emotionally trying and somewhat draining. i'm often pushed to the point of the indifference about the whole situation. if anyone has any idea why, please tell me...

so, basically, i'm not so sure that i believe in marriage... at the moment, i don't think it's natural. socially expected, yes. economically practical, maybe. but what alternative is there? what is the real difference between a long-term relationship and marriage beyond the ability to leave without breaking a "sacred" religious pact? ...and i'll take it a step further: sometimes i feel like love is a bunch of bullshit. i'm tired of sappy scenes on tv and in movies. love songs are stupid. hopeless romantics are trapped in a state of self-denial. harsh and pessimistic - yes i know. but, at the moment, i fail to see the beauty of love. chris used to tell me that our relationship would work as long as we wanted it to. i thought that it had just run its course. but now i realize he was right. our relationship failed because i stopped wanting it to. he gave up because he realized my desires were to be somewhere else. so now, if martin and i are going to work, i have to want it so bad that i'll put up with all of the drama. and i'm struggling to maintain the energy, stamina, and motive to keep up. again, if anyone can help me i'd greatly appreciate it.

and on the subject of chris... after almost seven months, not a day goes by that i don't think about our relationship. (i hesitate to even write this because of how it blew up in my face last time, but blogging is therapy for me...) i've gotten better. i haven't had any recent moments when i break down and cry while driving, walking to class, cooking, or sitting on the couch. i no longer have moments when the desire to contact him becomes physically painful. i no longer crave seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, or catching him watch me while i sleep. i don't remember what kissing him was like. i rarely think about his hands, or his feet, or him bobbing his head to music in the car while driving downtown. it's been ages since i've laughed about his thing for candles and "fresh air." i still look at martin and remind myself that he treats me exactly how i've always wanted. everytime i have a good memory of chris i'm able to remind myself of those moments that led to our breaking up. but i still find myself wanting to ask him certain questions i know he'd have the answer to. i wonder what he would think about the latest three six mafia or jamie foxx song. i think of funny things that happen and know he'd appreciate hearing them. most importantly, i miss the space our relationshp provided in which i could go to his apartment, change into his sweats, curl up on the couch, and forget about the outside world. i don't have that anymore. and i don't know if it grad school or being out of that relationship that changed things...

and i feel super guilty for even having these thoughts while being with martin. part of the problem is that this relationship has been so close to my previous one. and they so completely different. but my heart feels so heavy. i feel like i have so little to give. and the extent to which martin is enamored with me makes me feel that i'm incapabable of ever being able to reach such a level. i am so incredibly confused that i almost feel like i need time to myself, but i'm afraid it will do more harm than good to a potentially great relationship...

i should be writing a paper but...

i'm listening to this song, over and over...

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is a fade,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

catch me if you can

i'm trying to pack my summer schedule with stuff to enjoy my free moments as much as possible. here's what it looks like:

1. May 12-20 - turn in last paper. pick tida up from airport. spend next week shopping, drinking, eating, and pampering myself (wash car, get pedicure, etc.)
2. May 24-28 - trip to L.A. to hang out with crystal and lauren
3. June 1 - first day of portuguese summer-school classes
4. June 2-4 - martin's friend's wedding in mississippi
5. June 15-18 - nwsa conference!
6. June 30 - July 4 - COMING BACK TO THE A!!!
7. July 7/8 - summer school finals. leave for Cuba for 2 or 3 weeks

I CAN'T WAIT

haven't written in a couple of weeks, but it has felt like ages. i have about two weeks of school left. i'm excited and terrified. grad school is kicking my ass. i met with my prof. today. he completely ripped my book review apart, and all i could do was look at him thinking, "did you seriously expect me to produce a coherent essay despite all that i have to do outside of this class?" yes, he did. so i'll admit it - my bad. life in austin is... going... i wish i had the time to find the positive energy i once had. school has its moments, of course. i'm writing a research prospectus on Afro-Cuban women as agents and as cultural symbols within a transforming society after emancipation. that's exciting. and one of my best friends is coming to see me after school is out. that's very exciting. oh, and i'm going to L.A. for memorial day weekend. super exciting. i'm buying a bottle of champagne after this semester is over...

HAPPY FOUNDER'S DAY!!!

i see...

lots of black people on campus for the annual Texas Relays. black people playing loud music as they circle around the block several times, bumping paul wall, mike jones, TI, and groups that they never play on the radio here. freshly-washed, beautifully-colored cars with tvs and 24-inch rims. bass bumping so hard that the store widows shake. black women with tight jeans, shirts with lace, tiny shorts, heels, and ponytails. black men with long shorts, pimp walks, dark sunglasses, white tees, and straw hats. my favorite: a man with the fifty cent-type tank with red, white, and navy straps; jeans with red, white, anad navy at the cuffs, white sneakers, a belt buckle (with the front of the tank tucked in!), and a straw hat. black men on bikes. black people grilling in hotel parking lots (i'm not talking about the small, play grills either. they had the huge grills that you use for church bbqs and family reunions). black people walking in large groups, clearly on display for the world to take notice. black high-school students with matching t-shirts that say 'betcha can't do it like me" on the back. weaves, jean outfits, and pontytails to the side. air force ones. AND I'M SO HAPPY!!! i haven't even been to sixth street yet...

school is crazy, as ususal, but that's okay. i've got good books to read for tomorrow. i have two final papers to write that i'm acutally enjoying the process of writing. my classes for next semester will be on point (historiography of colonial latin america; a research seminar, a.k.a. no classes, just embracing my full nerdy side by conducting archival research; and black critical race theory and praxis). the sun is out and it's warm- again. and i'm gonna get some good FACEBOOK pics during the texas relay after-parties this weekend. speaking of facebook, it's a sick addition that i can't shake. i have nothing better to do at work right now, and i can't do homework, so i check my profile/stalk other people/search for new friends in hidden corners of the internet... for five hours at a time...

meanwhile, question of the day: how can we address the duke incident in a manner that is both productive for the "community" (not yet sure how to define it) and emotionally/mentally/psychologically for us as black women?

and just when the world seemed too stressful:

payday came, the sun came out, and black people showed up in large numbers to a FREE common concert... a lovely day, indeed