making the transition...

i wish i'd never permed my hair. i had gorgeous hair. it was long and thick... but i was so sensitive that a RAN from combs. in fifth grade, my mother decided she couldn't take it any more and straightened it permanently [is that were "perm" comes from?] i remember feeling grown up, like i had joined a new social club for black women. no more lil'-girl ponytails.
but it broke off; at one point my hair barely brushed my shoulders. i think i slowly started to adjust to styling my hair in high school. in my first driver's license, it fell past my collarbones. at Spelman i recognized the beauty of the hair salon and a fresh style - walking down the street with your hair flowing in the wind, trying to make it look as full as possible, and experimenting with highlights (during which it promptly broke off again.... and yet again my first year in grad school when i dyed my entire head auburn... but it was cute though). i tried to "grow it out" several times, but gave up each time the summer humidity left me feeling like a walking puff. but this time i think - i hope - that i'm serious. i'm no longer in love with my perm, but i'm terrified of being without it... correction - i'm afraid of cutting it off and having short hair for the first time in my life; afraid of being outside of society's norm. i'm afraid of the transition...

from november 28th...

i'm in an odd place now... i keep having these urges to express myself creatively, and i usually roll my eyes when i hear the word, "creative." something about my current process/stage of graduate school is stifling my creativity. i just need to find a way to express it... without shopping

been awhile since i've written... i'm attempting to grow my perm out.... again. this time i think i'll make it; i'm curious to see what awaits beneath my straightened locks...

thoughts on raising black girls

i wish that instead of being taught to keep our legs closed/wait until marriage/not give away the milk without the purchase of the cow (and all of the bullshit that they've fed us throughout our lives) we were empowered to view and treat our bodies as our property. i write this not to reinforce discourses that treat women's bodies as commodities for rent or purchase, but to break with the notion that anyone but us might have control over accessing our most intimate mental, emotional and physical spaces. i also send a resounding "fuck you" to the structures of oppresion (and people) that sustain the following ideas and practices:

- that there are times and places when women and girls must ignore their their discomfort with sexist behaviors as to avoid making those in the room feel awkward
- that we need to "tone down" our "outspoken" and "aggressive" attitudes so that we may attract or keep good men
- that men are the only viable option for life partners
- using the Bible to shame our sexual behaviors, while refuing to engage in critical dialogues of how popular culture defines our value soley on the terms of our sexual capabilities (or perhaps the more appropriate term might be sexual services)
- that only marriage validates sexual relationships and birthing babies
- that it's not okay to be angry about patriarchy and misogyny
- failing to hold men accountable when they disrespect women and girls or treat the responsibilities of sex and/or relationships seriously, but blaming women for being active, getting raped, catching STIs, or becoming pregnant
- that we are our father's property
- holding double standards of any kind
- conditioning girls to become women who are afraid or reluctant to voice their concerns in order to "keep the peace" or avoid "being difficult" within relationships
- conditioning girls to become women who place everyone else's wants and needs before theirs
- not demading that we be comfortable with our bodies, stop to ask ourselves how we are feeling, and seek help when things are not okay
- for encouraging competition amongst ourselves for men, friends, and material gain
- teaching us that only women with long straight hair are beautiful
- hating our monthly periods
- discouraging women and girls to stray from home as they grow older; for stifling curiousity
- not taking sexual abuse seriously
- failing to promote healthy relationships between women and men outside of the boundaries of sex
- not teaching women and men to engage in dialogues about emotional needs and sex throughout relationships
- never telling us that it is okay to change our minds
- never telling us that it is okay to be unconventional
- never telling us that we don't always need your approval

i could go on and on, but i've run out of time. feel free to add to the list. my purpose is to continue the dialogue of creating emotionally strong and secure girls and women who feel entitled to live happy, healthy lives by challenging patriarchy, heterosexism, classism, ageism, and religious discrimination in addition to racism...

i'm going through an angry phase. cuba always seems to do something to me... the first time it was because i felt isolated from those around me. this time it was the transition from living fairly worry and stress-free to being inundated with lists of of tasks to complete. even more, it's dealing with the differences i share with my closest friends and our perspectives on social issues, capitalism, and morality.

needless to say, i've been angry with the church. i have no desire to go. i've had to make a conscious effort to talk to God on a regular basis - to thank him for my daily progress towards success and growth and happiness. but it's hard to separate the two. i'm tired of moralistic judgements people pass on others. even more irritating is the ignorance people allow to come out of their mouths. how does it affect you if a person loves another of the same sex? why are you better than someone else who has chosen to sleep with multiple partners? who really thinks that it is cute to suggest that "bisexuals are just being greedy"? and why is there something wrong with people whose lifelong ambitions aren't getting married and raising babies with the opposite sex? i just don't understand how people allow themselves to become so preoccupied with the lifestyles of others that have absolutely no affect on their lives. why the intolerance? why not focus on larger issues, like the people around us who are struggling?

back in the U.S. of A

i cried when i left cuba. what's crazy is that i expected the trip to be horrible. i thought i'd spend five weeks in a cramped apartment, afraid of bugs, and watching dvds while counting down the days. instead, i met amazing people. learned a lot about myself. rediscovered music outside of dirty south. experienced bliss. realized that my spanish is limited (note: RUN to a spanish class and start studying the structure of the language). and laughed for 33 days straight.

being back is a definite adjustment. standing in the continental airlines at cancun made me fill physically ill. walking around the corner and suddenly being surrounded by starbucks signs, dozens of types of magazines and gum, and taned/braided/super-self-conscious people was too much to take in at once. then i remembered all that coming year is going to bring: studying for exams, applying for fellowships, writing papers, working, and being stressed about money again. but, with the exception of the last part, i love my life. i am incredibly privileged to have great friends, family, and opportunities.

now part three. i moved apartments the day after i returned. martin and broke up. it was my idea, and i did it because we've spent far too long trying to figure out how to "fix" things... we had only been together for a year and a half. clearly, the communication had failed and i'm too young to allow my self to stay in a place in which i'm unhappy. my mother is visiting me this week. tonight, i'm having dinner with one of my favorite people in austin. i'm leaving for atl on friday. i feel like i'm starting something new and i am SO excited!


p.s. i'm going on a "man fast" for awhile. right now things are all about me...

today i realized that i am twenty-three and 3/4 years old and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! that is sooo fucking cool.

yesterday i came across some old journals from cuba and freshman year. it was weired, because it was organized in such a way (or perhaps not organized at all) that i'd mixed notes from speakers at spelman, with random poems (i wrote poems? forgot about that) and diary entries. many of them dealt with my relationship with chris during the first several months. the beginning of my relationship with him was bullshit. we messed around, but rarely went on dates. i wasn't satisfied with our conversations. i wished that he was more ambitious and spontaneous. i thought about dating other people on a regular basis. even more interesting is that i was well aware of the transition in our relationship when it went from just being together to a genuine interest in him as my boyfriend. and, in many ways, things got a lot better from there. we matured as individuals and as a couple. but i don't know what is more painful when i look back at my freshman year - that my first love treated me less than i deserved out of selfishness, or that i allowed him to treat me less than i deserved because of my lack of self-worth.

school is out... i should be revising my thesis or working on the paper for the oprah anthology, but i've been working at the college forward office and being lazy during the evenings. not completely unproductive - i've become addicted to certain aspects of the process - searching for conferences, building my reading lists (how am i supposed to pick 50 books to cover latin america from the 1820s to the present?), and so forth. next month/next week will bring a new level of craziness to my life. i'm going on a road trip with my students tuesday through saturday. leaving for new york on the 13th. havana on the 18th. atlanta in july... anywhere but austin. i'm ready to start reading for my exams. ready to get to work on a new documentary. ready to embrace a new lifestyle of being uncertain... i'm twenty-three, soon to be twenty-four and i want to embrace being young and single and without spatial limits. i'm going to montreal in september and i'm excited. leaving for d.c. the week after that to celebrate another year with tina and my sister.

two thoughts... maybe more

1. Moya and i were talking about the unending drama of hip hop and misogyny and the state of the black community. many would love to attack hip hop as the current downfall of the black culture and social dynamics. to a certain extent, i concur. but hip hop wasn't the beginning of sexism; not the root of the sexual exploitation of black women; and not the first generation of black music to degrade women in its lyrics. we need to find a more holistic approach to fighting racial and sexual oppression.

1 1/2. in response to black conservatives/moderates/etc. who pathologize the working class and poor as so-called degenerates, i don't think that the "problem" with the "black community" is single mothers who don't take care of their children and a lack of strong father figures. certainly, people of all classes and races deal with fathers who walk out on their children. single-motherhood isn't anything new. the rest is too complex to even attempt to deconstruct in this blog. however, i think the real issue is a loss of "community." i'm not trying to romanticize what life must have been like in past generations. but we do need to acknowledge how the development of capitalism and individualistic ideologies have affected how we pursue our interests and goals, in addition to how we relate to each other. in many ways, it seems that desegregation contributed to the breakdown of the black community (this is a working theory... and i'm not yet ready to interrogate our understanding of what the "black community" is or what it should be). "get rich," "me, me, me" mentalities plague our overall society. the media has desensitized so many of us (myself included) to the point of not questioning music videos, sexual assault against women, or the rising number of black men and women in the prison system. you complain about healthcare and the person sitting next to you looks at you like you have two heads. people call you angry. others ask why you care, or worse, respond that they're gonna make sure that they "get theirs." meanwhile, we 1) bitch about what's wrong with the world without questioning how the acceptance of our own privilege contributes to systematic injustices; 2) look past/over/around those next us who struggle without caring or feeling any sort of connection; 3) (notable in the case of several celebrities) refuse to hold ourselves accountable and 4) value becoming rich people over useful people who work towards ending systems of oppression.

2. sexism isn't given nearly as much weight, acknowledgement, and validity as racism. r kelly can screw black teenage girls and his records sales continue to climb, but we would be out for eminem's head if he called dre or any other black man an n-word in public. i'm tired of black men acting like being black is more important than being a woman. i'm tired of being brushed off, laughed at, or ignored for challenging the status quo or demanding respect. it's time to move beyond looking at sexual assault and exploitation only in relation to one's manhood. we need a revolution in our understanding of gender and subsequent value placed on women.

more importantly, the revolution must start at home. i would never listen to the red hot chili peppers if they used the n-word, yet i continue to dance to the yin yang twins on the radio and in the club. i too am a product of the culture and part of the problem. i can't play both sides...

we need new leaders

am i the only one tired of the same group of people stepping up at the most opportune moments to address the persistance of racism in the united states? CNN has a show on "self-segregation" (because apparently black people have recently decided to place themselves outside of white society... of course, with no mention of white flight in now predominately black neighborhoods or the history of racial antagonism that has led to divisions social relations in churches, places of employment, etc...) with no black intellectuals. why no bell or dr. guy-sheftall? why the token black conservative who presents himself as the quintessential uncle tom by making stupid, outlandish comments about single parent households and young black criminals leading to the so-called degeration of the black community. furthermore, where were al sharpton and jesse jackson when shaquanda cotton sat in jail for two years for shoving a teacher? why is it sufficient for the national urban league to publish "state of the union" reports and not move towards demands for quality healthcare, raised minimum wages, or equal opportunties in higher education? i'm tired of black people who jump into the spotlight to gain publicity, but who are not daring enough to be radical in making demands (is quality healthcare radical?). i'm tired of seeing moderate politicians and celebrities become the spokespeople for the black community when there are numerous individuals who are more articulate and capable of critiquing systems of oppression in ways that are rarely considered... what are WE going to do about it? done with my rant for the day...

i hate being a TA. just another obstacle between me and my research. why didn't i go to law school?

i wonder if i'll ever outgrow the club...

i found myself kinda close this weekend. it's funny - i've realized that i need the club for something other than what i used to get out of it. i used to enjoy putting myself on display for men to look at. i'll admit it. i don't care. hearing "eh shawty" was what made the experience worthwhile. i spent the night grinding with random dudes. occasionally wondered if they might potentially make a better mate than chris. in the end, however, i always went home to him. it just made sense.

now i go to escape from austin. part of me is trying to relive that feeling of being young, attractive, and living the sex and the city life. (not that i've gotten old, just older). another part of me realizes that it's the only time i feel like a woman... in the sense of feeling sexy and full of sexual energy. however, now i'm more interested in taking things a bit deeper. i like meeting people at the club and making new connections. but, at the same time, i often find myself disgusted by the intentions of 99.9 percent of the men at the club. you can see it in their eyes - they're on the prowl to find the cutest girl willing to go home with them. and that's not really my style. i've fantasized about it - but it's never going to happen. beyond talking shit about dudes with nice butts and broad shoulders, i'm not really interested in anything physical with anyone i don't know. just doesn't seem worth the effort.

so then why do i keep going to the club? to dance? no - i could do that at home... even out in austin. i think going to clubs - in some strange way- validates my understanding of myself as a 23 year-old woman. grad school hardly makes you feel young. everything else is so serious. so not connected to the culture that i was raised with and learned to appreciate at spelman. i NEED to stay on top of the most recent music. i NEED to wear trendy clothes in a space where it's appreciated. i NEED to feel not married and without attachments such as children... hmm... an identity crisis, maybe?

countdown

miami was my first "research" trip. very productive. not only got a boatload of sources for my thesis, but also gained an awareness of resources available a u miami, began networking with the librarians, and developed a focus for my thesis. the best part - a realization that i'm not as far from my academic path as a doctoral student as i was at spelman. my thesis (for anyone who's not bored by history talk) is looking at afro-cuban women's concepts of feminism and how it intersects with white elite cuban conceptions of feminism and social reform. i'm very excited.

even more excited is that i'm returning to my favorite city this weekend! (well, one of them. can't forget about chicago.) i'm giving a presentation at the national black herstory conference, seeing people at toni cade, organizing a letter-writing campaign for shaquanda cotton, and (on a less academic side) trying to sneak into a few afterparties held for the national black lawyers convention. why am i living in texas again?

p.s. favorite quote from miami: (from a guy trying to pick lauren up outside of a club) "you need a man who can buy you things like candy and CHICKEN..." :) gotta luv black people

it's sunny out! and warm! and i'm in miami! i think i'm finally learning to embrace my inner nerd. i flew all the way to miami to... do my thesis research? yes! i checked into the hotel and ran straight across the street to the library. found a series of essays between a black woman and a (white?) man in cuba aruging over race and the women's movement in 1939. wrote up a rough outline during dinner. now i just have to decide if i want to translate some articles over drinks or ice cream. hmm...

p.s. deLaine told me an old friend saw my pic and said i looked "really good." then she went to go pray. why does she always have to leave a sista hangin?

why am i feeling so grey when it's sunny outside?

i spent the weekend in heels. peeptoe pumps to be exact. it's been a long time since i'd dressed up and put myself on display for men to stare at. i was amused, though not as fullfilled as i'd expected. i think it was the lack of one-on-one interaction... saw common in concert. fabulous as ususal. hung out with good people. walked so many miles that my legs are still sore, but toned (!). best of all- i got out of austin and away from grad school. i realized last week that this process is not healthy. we do too much. we place too many demands on ourselves. and we're never satisfied. there are many days when i get out of bed already feeling like a failure because i've not yet accomplished all that i should be doing - and i don't even know what that is. i'm working two jobs that take up most of my free time. i'm constantly running around, forgetting to eat, barely sitting down to pay bills. i barely spend time with friends, and spend limited quality time with martin... before i took monthly breaks from austin because i hated living in austin... now i do it cause i need the break from the intensity of school for my emotional health.

i saw a trailer for a hip hop documentary. it looks really good. but it made me realize how far i've strayed from the person i was a spelman. she's still here, but distanced from the things that made me "tick": critiquing pop culture, dreaming of ways to help black girls, getting mad about oppression, laughing over stupid things. i wish she was still here. i liked her better.

i feel like i've been molded into the person i was always afraid of becoming: unsatisfied with the world, but passively reformist rather than revolutinary; emotionally subdued with little time to feel and addicted to retail as a replacement... i don't know if it's grad school or austin...

i love martin but i sometimes feel trapped by our relationship (as much as i enjoy feeling secure).

i still miss my ex a year and a half later. i tried to make my self stop thinking about him by switching my thoughts everytime his name came to mind... days into my new strategy i started having dreams about him. so i gave up.

oh well. back to business

i've been in hiding... trying to be a productive grad student this semester. but i fell apart this weekend. not quite sure what happened. maybe it was my pms that always leaves me too tired to do much of anything. maybe it was my frustration with my lack of a social life as a grad student - no one ever wants to come out of the house, and there isn't much to come out for in austin. oh well. i'm leaving town this thursday. and twice next month. back to business for the moment...

fergie's wack

i don't know what fergie think she's doing in her "fergalicious" routine, but she comes off as having absolutely no stage presence... and while i'm on the subject, the billboard awards were superwack.

at least i'm done with one class for the semester. two more to go...

how am i supposed to bring my sexy back, if i'm a poor and busy grad student trying to make it through the last two weeks of the semester?

two questions:

1. tomorrow the UT Conservatives organization is hosting an affirmative action sale. i think a lot of angry people are getting geared up for an attack, but i could care less. i think it's a waste of time... am i wrong?

2. is anyone falling for common's lastest venture with the gap?