the other day i told my boyfriend that i wanted to see other people. i told him it was because our relationship (friendship... conversations) was falling apart, and i often felt i was too young to be in a relationship defined by drama. we're still together, and it was my choice. i had been contemplating ending it all for a couple of weeks, but, faced with the prospect of nevr seeing the man i've loved for the past four years again, i told him i wanted to give it one last try. i don't quite know why, but it felt right. was it becasue i'm scared? am i waiting for a reason to hate him? all i see right now are the good times. maybe that is how i should leave it... i've cried for two days, and i don't know what to do. i just want to control everything... and in doing so, i've found myself in this latest position: fighting for and against my relationship simultaneously. chris hasn't done anything. i don't know if it's becasue he wants out, though i don't think so. he said he felt it coming, and i think maybe he feels he's already lost. or maybe he doesn't know what to do. but i've forced my controlling self to take a step back from fighting and just be for a few moments... the problem is, chris isn't doing anything either. and that's the worst part; it hurts to think that after all of this time he'd not feel it worth the effort to keep us together. i want to yell at him, "why won't you fight for me?" "why won't you fight for us?" this shit sucks. we have so much potential as a couple, which is why i want us to try to work it out, but, but i think i killed the momentum with my honesty. at least i got the ball rolling... i told him i needed to see him to reconnect. he still hasn't said anything. just that he wishes we could have our relationship without complications. what is that??? i'm putting the ball in his court...