another rant about love

because love seems to be occupying a large portion of my time... i'm going to keep writing about it until my thoughts shift to something different...

so i've been thinking a lot about how i behave in relationships... unconsciously guarded and a bit defensive. patriarchy teaches girls that our goal is to be liked. to be sweet and friendly and giving. i've struggled with this all my life. contrary to what a lot of people seem to think during our first encounters, i'm really not that sweet. i can be sarcastic and snobbish. i'm beyond the point of faking friendliness (except for those RARE moments when i'm in a professional setting). don't get me wrong. i am sincere when friendly. but i avoid smalltalk like the plague. i feel awkward when meeting new people and take a looong time to open up. fitting the mold of a girl/woman that people enjoy being around - with the exception of my friends - is draining, as i constantly feel that i'm walking a tightrope of conformity.

anyway, my point is that i feel like we/people are programed to perform certain roles, and i often find myself reaching into some memory bank to retrieve the appropriate response to various situations (visually referencing friends and associates' experiences, tv, and even movies). when unable to find a response i shut down. the hard part is identifying the appropriate emotion, giving myself permission to feel such a way, and then deciding what action is best to take. this has both helped and hurt my past relationships in various ways. first, i pick my battles. when reevaluating a situation, i often decide that it's not "that serious." i've let myself get walked over a lot for this, but i've also trained myself to avoid petty arguments, sort of... second, i rarely am able to fight on the spot. i shut down, confused, and need alone time to examine what has just happened before talking. i think that this has driven many of men crazy. but when i'm ready, they get a cool and together me that is better prepared to talk. (don't get me wrong - i've participated in my share of heated arguments). finally,
i have a hard time giving myself permission to react. often this means that i run stories by my friends in order to confirm my right to be upset. looking back, i think that this has weakened the bond in my romantic relationships, as i've spent more time figuring out what was going wrong by talking with my friends that with the other person in the relationship... hmm... an "ah-ha" moment

so my current frustration is learning to be more in tune with my emotions and using those instincts to act. over the past several months i've sat quiet when confused or hurt or even overwhelmed with joy, only to think of an appropriate response hours or even days later... in many ways i'm still the socially awkward girl (will she ever leave?) who doesn't have the "right" responses, who doesn't know how to deal with male attention, and is afraid of not appearing sweet/friendly/giving.

i have a lot to work on...