why am i feeling so grey when it's sunny outside?

i spent the weekend in heels. peeptoe pumps to be exact. it's been a long time since i'd dressed up and put myself on display for men to stare at. i was amused, though not as fullfilled as i'd expected. i think it was the lack of one-on-one interaction... saw common in concert. fabulous as ususal. hung out with good people. walked so many miles that my legs are still sore, but toned (!). best of all- i got out of austin and away from grad school. i realized last week that this process is not healthy. we do too much. we place too many demands on ourselves. and we're never satisfied. there are many days when i get out of bed already feeling like a failure because i've not yet accomplished all that i should be doing - and i don't even know what that is. i'm working two jobs that take up most of my free time. i'm constantly running around, forgetting to eat, barely sitting down to pay bills. i barely spend time with friends, and spend limited quality time with martin... before i took monthly breaks from austin because i hated living in austin... now i do it cause i need the break from the intensity of school for my emotional health.

i saw a trailer for a hip hop documentary. it looks really good. but it made me realize how far i've strayed from the person i was a spelman. she's still here, but distanced from the things that made me "tick": critiquing pop culture, dreaming of ways to help black girls, getting mad about oppression, laughing over stupid things. i wish she was still here. i liked her better.

i feel like i've been molded into the person i was always afraid of becoming: unsatisfied with the world, but passively reformist rather than revolutinary; emotionally subdued with little time to feel and addicted to retail as a replacement... i don't know if it's grad school or austin...

i love martin but i sometimes feel trapped by our relationship (as much as i enjoy feeling secure).

i still miss my ex a year and a half later. i tried to make my self stop thinking about him by switching my thoughts everytime his name came to mind... days into my new strategy i started having dreams about him. so i gave up.

oh well. back to business

i've been in hiding... trying to be a productive grad student this semester. but i fell apart this weekend. not quite sure what happened. maybe it was my pms that always leaves me too tired to do much of anything. maybe it was my frustration with my lack of a social life as a grad student - no one ever wants to come out of the house, and there isn't much to come out for in austin. oh well. i'm leaving town this thursday. and twice next month. back to business for the moment...

fergie's wack

i don't know what fergie think she's doing in her "fergalicious" routine, but she comes off as having absolutely no stage presence... and while i'm on the subject, the billboard awards were superwack.

at least i'm done with one class for the semester. two more to go...

how am i supposed to bring my sexy back, if i'm a poor and busy grad student trying to make it through the last two weeks of the semester?

two questions:

1. tomorrow the UT Conservatives organization is hosting an affirmative action sale. i think a lot of angry people are getting geared up for an attack, but i could care less. i think it's a waste of time... am i wrong?

2. is anyone falling for common's lastest venture with the gap?

don't have class til wednesday. trying to do some work, but school is not what's up today. i'd rather be in my car exploring a major city. gotta get out of austin.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: DON'T SEE IT

last night martin and i went to see texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning. it was stupid. very predictable and too much like the first remake. however, after my conversation with moya yesterday, i thought about a few interesting aspects of the movie in relation to the portrayal of thomas hewitt, the chainsaw murderer.

first, the movie shows the birth of thomas. his mother (as all of the members of the town where the craziness occurs) is poor and filthy. she's extremely overweight, serving as an exploited worker in a meat plant. her experience in labor with thomas defines his grotesque character with his entrance into the world. blood flows when her water breaks. she falls to the ground in pain and dies as thomas is pushed from her body. he, as we already know, is deformed. her boss throws him into a trash can.

he is rescused by a member of the hewitt family, who brings him home and raises him as a part of the family. and so the movie proceeds (almost exactly like the first)...

thomas is the typical disfigured, grotesque, misunderstood figure. his face is covered throughout the movie. he spends his spare time obsessing over his deformed face, attempting to "create" a new image with the skin of the innocent people killed. he is asexual- defined in relation to his uncle, who sexually assaults one of the women taken hostage. rather than seek a connection with anyone of the outside world, he hunts them down and slaughters them. but we never understand why. maybe we're supposed to assume it's because he is manipulated by his psychotic uncle. maybe it's payback for a life of torment as a disfigured child. maybe it's just "in his nature" as a violent freak. my point is that we don't know, because thomas is silent throughout both films.

even more interesting, the story is supposed to be based on actual events...

here are a few details from chasingthefrog.com that attempt to clarify the "real story":

How much of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based on the real life murderer Ed Gein?
Ed Gein's homeDespite being heavily touted as "inspired by a true story," both Tobe Hooper's original 1974 film and the 2003 Marcus Nispel remake are only lightly based on the real-life murderer Ed Gein, who is suspected to have taken several victims between 1954 and 1957. Perhaps the most recognizable similarity is the film's house, whose gruesome content was similar to that found in Ed Gein's home (above right) in 1957.

Did the real Ed Gein ever wear a human's face as a mask like Leatherface did in the film?
The real Ed Gein did wear a human's scalp and face. The real Ed Gein did this however, to help quell his desire to be a woman, not because of a skin disease as with Leatherface in the film. Also included in his uniform, Ed Gein wore a vest of skin complete with breasts and female genitalia strapped above his own. -carpenoctem.tv


Did the real Ed Gein use a chainsaw to kill his victims?
Ed Gein's homeNo, both of Ed Gein's identified victims, Mary Hogan and Bernice Worden, were shot with a pistol. In November of 1957, police found Bernice Worden hanging from the rafters in a shed behind Gein's house. Her body had been gutted like that of a deer, and the head had been removed. Ed Gein was also the suspect in several other missing persons. The element of the chainsaw that was added for the film's story once again emphasizes the loose connection of the film to Gein.
-carpenoctem.tv

Who exactly was Ed Gein and why did he commit such atrocities?
Eddie Gein was the son of Augusta and George Gein. Augusta was a deeply religious woman, who preached the Bible to Eddie and his brother Henry on a daily basis. She warned them about the dangers of loose women, in an effort to keep them from being cast down to hell. She was a strict, hard woman, who never wavered from her own beliefs, which she ingrained into the family. Eddie's father, George, was an alcoholic, and Augusta viewed him as being worthless. She began a grocery business in La Crosse, Wisconsin, and when she had saved enough money she moved the family away from the sin of the city to a farm in Plainfield, Wisconsin. Eddie grew up shy and was ignored by the other kids at school, who saw him as quiet and feminine. If he did try to make friends, his mother scolded him. As a result Eddie turned inward and began to reside in the dark corners of his mind.

He worshipped his mother, and grew upset when his brother Henry criticized her. On May 16, 1944, while fighting a brush fire near the farm, Eddie and Henry split up and went in different directions. After the fire had been extinguished, Eddie grew concerned because his brother had not returned. When police arrived Eddie lead them directly to his "missing" brother Henry, who was lying dead in an area untouched by the fire with bruises on his head. The shy and seemingly harmless Eddie was quickly dismissed as a suspect, and the coroner listed asphyxiation as the cause of death. -crimelibrary.com

tell love that i'm angry

the painful reality of life: it's hard. not just because of these "systems of oppression" that we're always trying to deconstruct, but also the mundane inconveniences... responsibilities, going to work, paying bills.. recognizing that a "vacation" is a taste of a very privileged and ideal lifestyle you'll never fully experience. i wish i could move back to atlanta and live in a cute apartment, go out to lunch twice a week, a club or two every couple of weeks, be surrounded by black people, and dedicate myself to something that i wholly enjoy. is that possible?

which is why i've directed my anger towards love. first- i'm angry in general that we're sold this idea of happiness that is continual. it's bullshit. constant bliss and pleasure is bullshit. happiness comes as moments, periods even, but balanced with stages that are extremely awkward, uncomfortable, and painful... and confusing. and we've been sold the same image of love: that of a constant, unabiding, "i'll know it when and feel it," and uncomplicated state of being with another person. also bullshit.

several realizations & subsequent questions have occurred/arisen within recent weeks...
fighting sucks
how much fighting is too much?
how bad should it be?
is it possible to overcome personal flaws that cause such fighting?
how much pain (emotional) is too much?
sometimes i'm just indifferent to it all
sometimes one gives more than is returned
sometimes one loves the other more
fighting sucks
what if marriage is destined to lead to unhappiness?
what if i never get over my past?
what would happen if i just called?
love is a choice
it could always be worse
it could always be better
sometimes i'd rather deal with the bullshit and have good laughs in between than have all of my complaints resolved and no challenge to just enjoy the moment
maybe we'd make better friends
maybe it's all in my head
maybe i'll get over it
which is better: security in love or love that takes you out of your element?
am i just romanticizing the past, or do i miss it?
no one has all of the answers
why can't there be a guidebook?
we're sooo much alike that sometimes, when i get angry at him, i feel like i'm fighting against myself...
fighting sucks
is it wrong to take a break?
why do i keep feeling trapped by the boundaries that are a "relationship"?
i wish we never became official
everything was so much easier in the beginning
i am trying to run away?
isn't finding someone that dedicated more important that having fun?
isn't fun relative?
maybe it gets better with time...

if anyone has any ideas, please help me out

1. i'm in atlanta

2. i presented at a conference yesterday. food for thought: you cannot travel to another country for several weeks and expect to walk away understanding what life is like. tour groups in a country under a dictatorship do not show you the realities of life. tour groups are a purposely CONSTRUCTED experience that will rarely take you outside of the realm of tourism, that is, spaces created/maintained for foreigners (think about it... how many people in a poor country live in the tourist sector). i'll leave it at that...

2. yesterday, at toni cade, dr. k asked everyone what they were fighting for. i said self-preservation. i feel it every time i visit my family in chicago and see yuppies as their new neighbors, and i wonder how long it'll take before they'll have to move out. i go to austin and see blacks being pushed out of yet ANOTHER neighborhood because it's become prime real estate. and i return to atlanta, only to find that there are parts of the west end that i won't recognize in ten years. their erasing our history with each family kicked out, each home torn down, and each condo erected. i feel like i/we are being wiped out...

3. i am painfully aware of class (and my class privilege) everywhere i turn: at the airport, at the public high school where i now work, on the bus to school, in the cafeteria. all the more reason to dedicate myself to an activist-centered lifestyle.

4. i still love atlanta. must figure out how to return in 4-5 years... unless i get a job to live closer to my parents...

had a long talk with three black women last week. mental note: don't ever let so much time without surrounding myself with black women again.

five days into my temp gig working nights. everytime i try to hate it i look around at the people twice my age who never went to school. another reason to work harder.

yesterday, while at work, i heard this rock song about this guy whose friends had died. i started thinking about the people my age who haven't made it this far: josie freshman year; rachel's brother sophomore year; chris and tyler junior year; nate, nekia, amanda... way too many. and i know that they certainly didn't wake up counting down the hours. so i figured, either i could focus on hating life in austin, this shitty (but privileged) process of graduate school, and working nights for only three weeks, or i could be happy that i am independent, surrounding by wonderful people, and earning money. so now i'm trying to stop taking myself so seriously... again

i'm bored here in austin. and, after a summer of feeling unsettled and lonely, after a year of feeling out of place, i'm starting to wonder if i'm where i'm supposed to be. what part of the process is this? am i constantly doubting my current position because this is not the path i'm supposed to be following? or is it just a challenge to test my endurance and motivation? i keep thinking about my classes that are to begin in a few weeks, and i'm far from excited. my friends are beginning to come back, and i just want to hide. i don't want to be reminded of school. i don't want to think about being intimidated by professors, of racing to stay on top of my work and never being satisfied with my progress. grad school is a horrible, horrible process... and yet i'm privileged to be provided with a part-time job that pays my rent and spend my days reading.

i think that i might be taking on too much job-wise, but my almost negative bank account has me feeling the need to rebuild the cushion that allows me to sleep well at night. i'll never get used to being broke.

maybe i just need a break from austin, but i hesitate to move. i always fear that my "breaks" from a space in which i'm unhappy are actually an escape, leaving me back in my original place of discontent upon returning... maybe even a bit unhappier. which brings me to capitalism and shopping. the concept of vacations are interesting... most people who vacation save money that they earn at jobs that they hate, to get away from the jobs that they hate and live in a temporary space of non-reality (not the life that they hate), only to return to the job that they hate. what's the point? why not find a job that provides pleasure, and use vacations to gain perspective that will enhance rest of their life... or am i being idealistic. why do we work? why not sacrifice the job that pays a lot of money and sacrifice material needs. or better yet, why not recognize that material "needs" deepen our unhappiness... now i am being idealistic. if anyone has any insight, help me out...

Friday

so i've been trying to get my hustle on. i'm going to be a TA in the fall, but to make sure that i could pay ALL of the bills (since my TA salary just won't cut it), i went out and got a second job... or three... i've applied for this temp overnight position at the campus bookstore that, if i get it, will put an extra $800 or so in my pocket. i've started training for a desk clerk position at the la quinta inn where i'll be working weekends. finally, i've just been accepted to the americorps college forward program. this is what i'm most excited about- i get to help gear high school students towards preparing for and applying to colleges. am i crazy to be taking all of this on with a full course load, yes. but, the hotel job should provide me with 3-4 hours each shift with nothing to do other than read... and if it becomes too much i can always stop working... meanwhile, i've got bills to pay...

day 5

every once in awhile i have these days where i think about chris for extended periods of time. i call them bad chris days. they pop up unexpectedly, seemingly triggered by nothing in particular. i've been having one for the past two weeks... at first i wondered if, nine months later, i found myself thinking about him with such intensity because i was meant to be with him. but one thing i've never lost sight of is that i needed to end our relationship. i don't regret it. i just keep wondering why i keep coming back to this... why things still feel so unfinished. it's frustrating; i'm with someone who is everything i ever hoped for, and i wasn't even looking. it feels so stable, so nurturing, and so complete, and yet... last friday i was talking to one of my friends who met him before i did. apparently, his freshman year he fell for another student -hard- but she wasn't feeling him. i mean, it took a minute for him to get over her. i think that as a result he put a wall up that i had only begun to break down after four years. so two things about that conversation made me think. first, that he was able to connect with someone in a short period of time that took he and i years to develop. when i look at the way that martin and i interact and the way that he treats me it just makes me think, damn. it makes me wonder why chris and i couldn't get that. because i'm just not at a place where i can accept that we had no business being together. especially not after four years. maybe it was him and his immaturity. maybe it was me and my passivity. it's just hard because the thought that he could have something better with someone who is not me makes me feel inadequate. and that hurts. which brings me to the second problem: thinking about all of the makes me want to try it again. to fix things. to deal with the challenge presented...

day 4

ok so i broke down and watched the tyra show. definitely a waste of time. i've spent a lot of time alone, seeing martin for only about an hour each day. i've cut back on my phone time (slightly). it's wonderful. i sleep alone. i get up alone. i eat alone. i feel a little bit more relaxed. my thoughts are a bit clearer and less scattered. no deep thoughts yet...

day 2

yesterday i started a two week detox. restricting the amount/types of food that i put in my mouth has already demonstrated just how much power i give to food. ...and just how temporary the pleasure i receive from eating is... i'll be honest, i was frustrated when i couldn't put any mustard on my sandwhich for lunch. disgusted by my breakfast of raw oats, seeds, almonds, and dried fruits. and i amost broke down when martin fixed himself a steak fajita for dinner last night. but i made it, and i'm almost done with day two...

p.s. i've also sworn off tv (project runway not included) for the duration of the detox. hopefully it will get me back on track for thinking about the conference paper i need to write by the end of september... in other words, feel free to call me!

seeking...

stress is a bitch. i've never been good with dealing with it. i used to think that i was because i never considered myself to be stressed out... then, during my senior year of high school i realized that my body dealt with the stress that my conscious mind avoided. while applying for college and dealing with graduation and the stress of a large transition i developed extremely painful headaches. my dentist told me it was because i developed a habit of grinding my teach at night. so over the years i've begun to file my teeth down, leaving me with headaches caused by jaws sore from being clenched for hours and hours (even during the day). i have to wear a night guard until i'm at least 30.

during college i was diagnosed with ibs (maybe i'm reaching the TMI line again...). so, in addition to grinding my teeth, my stomach now responds to stress, leaving me with cramps, feelings of uneasiness...

and now, at 22 i've been placed on my doctor's watch list for ovarian cysts. my allergies and eczema are out of control. i constantly find myself with some new physical injury (though i do little more than walk to and from class and work). and i'm always tired. i space out in the middle of conversations and forget what i'm talking about. but what sucks is that i know that going to the doctor won't help. the majority of my physical issues are directly related to the fact that i've never learned how to handle stress... so at twenty-two i feel like i'm literally falling apart.

i need a serious physical and mental detox, but i'm so overwhelmed that i'm almost paralyzed with fear. i've become a zombie. i have little interest in anything but tv. and when i stop to think i'm overpowered with feelings of failure. of not being good enough. of not working hard enough. of not saving enough. of not being nice enough. of not being liked enough. then i start to plan my great escape from austin and graduate school, only to give up when realizing that my fears will following me to the end of the earth and that struggle is a part of this process called life... i just wish i could learn how to deal with it in a way that was healthier. i don't want to become a black woman academic, middle-aged and half out of her mind and in a perpetual state of hopelessness

as usual i'm anxious and quite uncomfortable with standing still... financially, i'm unsecure. i need a job in order to meet my goal of having rent money and saving to go to cuba in december. my savings is a joke. and, after a year of being out of college, i still struggle with successfully budgeting my money for food. oh, and i'm addicted to retail. corporate america is so tempting - to have a steady paycheck of more than 1200 a month is a dream. i'd love to be able to save hundreds of dollars a month. buy a condo. each at a good restaurant once a week. and embrace my passion for beautiful shoes. but the 9-5, 40 hr a week concept is a nightmare. thus, i stay satisfied with my current position. i have a great apartment. i've taken several trips this year alone. my car is in good condition and ready to take me anywhere my heart desires. i need nothing. i'd just like the security of being able to save money again... i'm trying to be cheap again. i left old navy without buying the two, very cute pairs of capri jeans. i didn't make the planned run to target to buy containers to organize drawers and closets in my apartment (my obsession of the moment).

our generation is so impatient. we want everything in the moment. i remember the strangest concept i've ever heard from a financial planner: waiting until u have enough saved to make purchases. i've never seen such a thing done. sure my mom always paid utility bills and the mortgage from her checking account, but a car? a vacation? clothes? it's interesting that so many of us are so in need of immediate satisfaction that place ourselves at the mercy of creditors (who charge a ridiculous amount of interest) that wait a year to buy big screen tvs, laptops, and furniture... even more frustrating is the need for success. here i am, 22 years old, and i want to be a guy-sheftall. i want to be publishing, lecturing, tenured, and traveling the world. i want to start a program that provides a new and profound approach to the intellectual development of the next generation. clearly, i'm not ready. i just wish i was - or at least a little less anxious

i'm trying something new for the summer... let me start with a story: this morning a couple of classmates and i decided not to go back to class after the break (well, we went back about 45 minutes late). in previous conversations i found myself offended by some of the comments made. today, however, i realized that she is a really cool, inspiring person with a lot of cool experiences and who thinks out of the box. so, i'm going to try something new: to try appreciating people for the goodness they have to offer. maybe it sounds super simple, but i have a habit of avoiding people who make me feel uncomfortable... meanwhile, i'm missing out

standing still

i've been in l.a. since wednesday night. it's my first time here... an interesting place. huge for one. about 90% of it looks the same; some a bit nicer than others but still similar. then there are the newer, suburbanesque areas or more lavish, ritsy areas. aside from the fact that the black social scene is SO much better than austin, i don't quite get the hype...

aside from exploring new corners of the world, i've finally realized just how much tv i watch. crystal doesn't have cable, just one channel that doesn't work half the time. at first i tried to ignore it by staying out of the house. then it became painful. i got annoyed. then frustrated. finally, i woke up this morning realizing that i had to find an alternative; turning the tv on would wake up everyone in the house. i spent some time on the internet, got bored, and decided to read the book i checked out from the library... which is another interesting story: 22 years later, i've finally discovered the true beauty of a library. sure i enjoy finding books relevant to my research. however, being in the current broke state in which i'm in at the moment, i'm finally looking to the library for books for personal enjoyment. i know this sounds incredibly strange, but my dad raised my sister and i to develop a library of our own. i've always read books that i bought first. it's even kind of weired to be reading a book that isn't mine- i don't expect this to make any sense to anyone but me...

SO, while reading, i started to notice things about myself and my surroundings... like reading the space around you solely by listening to the outdoors... allowing your mind to drift from one subject to another without the distraction of the television (which can be so abrasive and intrusive in a perfectly subtle way)... listening to youself breathe... noticing that my body craves water or more sleep....

sitting still for the first time in MONTHS, i realize the need to be away from the television more often. i wasted so much time this past school year. i could have accomplished so much more. written better papers. read books better. read more books. tapped into a creative energy i have denied for years. figured out how to be happy in life a a grown-up dealing with bullshit on a daily basis... i wonder what i've been hiding from. i tell people that i have basic cable for the "essential" shows - top model, the apprentice, oprah- but, honestly, i'll watch almost anything. i've told myself it's the necessary space in which to sit and do nothing; a way to de-stress... but is it really? especially when i'm wasting so much time? and i've also said that it helps keep me informed to participate in the intellectual discourse on pop culture... maybe it's my way of hiding from life.

one thing this past year away from spelman has helped me realize is that life can be cold, lonely, and painful... what's frustrating is that most of what exists in grad school is no different from the rest of the world, expect that i am in a serious position of privilege getting paid to read books and help teach students, working towards a ph.d. it's just so frustrating to realize that hazing, having to make small talk with people who don't have your best interest at heart, kissing up to people who aren't nice, working your ass off for little or no recognition, never feeling accomplished, etc., etc., are all a part of dealing with being an adult. and there is the fear of failure...

so i cover it up by watching tv. and by shopping. this weekend, i promised myself that i was going to devote my low funds to finding a dress to wear to a wedding next week and locating the perfect pair of peep-toe flats... instead i spent several hundred dollars buying dresses without a place to wear them, shirts knowing that none of my classmates take fashion as seriously as i (in other words, i'm wasting my time and should instead be maximizing my current wardrobe), and drinking (alcohol is a whole other blog, i'm going to give it up for the summer after the wedding and force myself to get back into shape)... even know, as i watch my account dwindle, i keep a close eye on these cute steve madden flats for when they drop below 29.99... i do this every summer. the anxiety of finally sitting still after a busy school year usually leads to my funneling my insecurities and worries into a costly shopping spree. at least the good thing is that i don't spend money that i don't actually have. (i hate credit cards) meanwhile, while i can stand in my closet and smile thinking about the new shoes, dresses, shirts, i have bought and will buy - the concerns and insecurities remain... in other words, i remain in hiding... however, this summer i won't have a job anytime soon. maybe it's time to apply my creativity to something cheaper and more productive...

three reasons to hide from pop culture

1. kathy griffin's show on comedy central, titled "Kathy Griffin: Strong Black Woman"
all i have to say is "REALLY, Kathy?" too many layers to begin to picking this show apart.

2. Jack Black's new movie, "Nacho Libre." not only is it insensitive given the current political climate, but it's racist to the point where i don't understand why no one is mad. he picks up a spanish accent and cape for the part, kind of a comedic take on zorro. it's a mockery of spanish-american culture (aka a minstrel show). it's the kind of thing you would expect from some frat boys.

3. a rap song that i heard on the radio two weeks ago, talking about "lick it, lick it, suck it for an outfit." now i love black culture, especially among our generation, but so many elements are out of control. i think we have the best beats ever. it's amazing to see the distinctions in music, fashion, language, dancing, etc. among regions within the U.S. however, every day it becomes more and more painful to listen to such music, knowing that it creates serious tensions in black relationships, whether they be friendships or sexual. hmm... a new documentary idea?...