today i realized that i am twenty-three and 3/4 years old and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! that is sooo fucking cool.

yesterday i came across some old journals from cuba and freshman year. it was weired, because it was organized in such a way (or perhaps not organized at all) that i'd mixed notes from speakers at spelman, with random poems (i wrote poems? forgot about that) and diary entries. many of them dealt with my relationship with chris during the first several months. the beginning of my relationship with him was bullshit. we messed around, but rarely went on dates. i wasn't satisfied with our conversations. i wished that he was more ambitious and spontaneous. i thought about dating other people on a regular basis. even more interesting is that i was well aware of the transition in our relationship when it went from just being together to a genuine interest in him as my boyfriend. and, in many ways, things got a lot better from there. we matured as individuals and as a couple. but i don't know what is more painful when i look back at my freshman year - that my first love treated me less than i deserved out of selfishness, or that i allowed him to treat me less than i deserved because of my lack of self-worth.

school is out... i should be revising my thesis or working on the paper for the oprah anthology, but i've been working at the college forward office and being lazy during the evenings. not completely unproductive - i've become addicted to certain aspects of the process - searching for conferences, building my reading lists (how am i supposed to pick 50 books to cover latin america from the 1820s to the present?), and so forth. next month/next week will bring a new level of craziness to my life. i'm going on a road trip with my students tuesday through saturday. leaving for new york on the 13th. havana on the 18th. atlanta in july... anywhere but austin. i'm ready to start reading for my exams. ready to get to work on a new documentary. ready to embrace a new lifestyle of being uncertain... i'm twenty-three, soon to be twenty-four and i want to embrace being young and single and without spatial limits. i'm going to montreal in september and i'm excited. leaving for d.c. the week after that to celebrate another year with tina and my sister.

two thoughts... maybe more

1. Moya and i were talking about the unending drama of hip hop and misogyny and the state of the black community. many would love to attack hip hop as the current downfall of the black culture and social dynamics. to a certain extent, i concur. but hip hop wasn't the beginning of sexism; not the root of the sexual exploitation of black women; and not the first generation of black music to degrade women in its lyrics. we need to find a more holistic approach to fighting racial and sexual oppression.

1 1/2. in response to black conservatives/moderates/etc. who pathologize the working class and poor as so-called degenerates, i don't think that the "problem" with the "black community" is single mothers who don't take care of their children and a lack of strong father figures. certainly, people of all classes and races deal with fathers who walk out on their children. single-motherhood isn't anything new. the rest is too complex to even attempt to deconstruct in this blog. however, i think the real issue is a loss of "community." i'm not trying to romanticize what life must have been like in past generations. but we do need to acknowledge how the development of capitalism and individualistic ideologies have affected how we pursue our interests and goals, in addition to how we relate to each other. in many ways, it seems that desegregation contributed to the breakdown of the black community (this is a working theory... and i'm not yet ready to interrogate our understanding of what the "black community" is or what it should be). "get rich," "me, me, me" mentalities plague our overall society. the media has desensitized so many of us (myself included) to the point of not questioning music videos, sexual assault against women, or the rising number of black men and women in the prison system. you complain about healthcare and the person sitting next to you looks at you like you have two heads. people call you angry. others ask why you care, or worse, respond that they're gonna make sure that they "get theirs." meanwhile, we 1) bitch about what's wrong with the world without questioning how the acceptance of our own privilege contributes to systematic injustices; 2) look past/over/around those next us who struggle without caring or feeling any sort of connection; 3) (notable in the case of several celebrities) refuse to hold ourselves accountable and 4) value becoming rich people over useful people who work towards ending systems of oppression.

2. sexism isn't given nearly as much weight, acknowledgement, and validity as racism. r kelly can screw black teenage girls and his records sales continue to climb, but we would be out for eminem's head if he called dre or any other black man an n-word in public. i'm tired of black men acting like being black is more important than being a woman. i'm tired of being brushed off, laughed at, or ignored for challenging the status quo or demanding respect. it's time to move beyond looking at sexual assault and exploitation only in relation to one's manhood. we need a revolution in our understanding of gender and subsequent value placed on women.

more importantly, the revolution must start at home. i would never listen to the red hot chili peppers if they used the n-word, yet i continue to dance to the yin yang twins on the radio and in the club. i too am a product of the culture and part of the problem. i can't play both sides...

we need new leaders

am i the only one tired of the same group of people stepping up at the most opportune moments to address the persistance of racism in the united states? CNN has a show on "self-segregation" (because apparently black people have recently decided to place themselves outside of white society... of course, with no mention of white flight in now predominately black neighborhoods or the history of racial antagonism that has led to divisions social relations in churches, places of employment, etc...) with no black intellectuals. why no bell or dr. guy-sheftall? why the token black conservative who presents himself as the quintessential uncle tom by making stupid, outlandish comments about single parent households and young black criminals leading to the so-called degeration of the black community. furthermore, where were al sharpton and jesse jackson when shaquanda cotton sat in jail for two years for shoving a teacher? why is it sufficient for the national urban league to publish "state of the union" reports and not move towards demands for quality healthcare, raised minimum wages, or equal opportunties in higher education? i'm tired of black people who jump into the spotlight to gain publicity, but who are not daring enough to be radical in making demands (is quality healthcare radical?). i'm tired of seeing moderate politicians and celebrities become the spokespeople for the black community when there are numerous individuals who are more articulate and capable of critiquing systems of oppression in ways that are rarely considered... what are WE going to do about it? done with my rant for the day...

i hate being a TA. just another obstacle between me and my research. why didn't i go to law school?

i wonder if i'll ever outgrow the club...

i found myself kinda close this weekend. it's funny - i've realized that i need the club for something other than what i used to get out of it. i used to enjoy putting myself on display for men to look at. i'll admit it. i don't care. hearing "eh shawty" was what made the experience worthwhile. i spent the night grinding with random dudes. occasionally wondered if they might potentially make a better mate than chris. in the end, however, i always went home to him. it just made sense.

now i go to escape from austin. part of me is trying to relive that feeling of being young, attractive, and living the sex and the city life. (not that i've gotten old, just older). another part of me realizes that it's the only time i feel like a woman... in the sense of feeling sexy and full of sexual energy. however, now i'm more interested in taking things a bit deeper. i like meeting people at the club and making new connections. but, at the same time, i often find myself disgusted by the intentions of 99.9 percent of the men at the club. you can see it in their eyes - they're on the prowl to find the cutest girl willing to go home with them. and that's not really my style. i've fantasized about it - but it's never going to happen. beyond talking shit about dudes with nice butts and broad shoulders, i'm not really interested in anything physical with anyone i don't know. just doesn't seem worth the effort.

so then why do i keep going to the club? to dance? no - i could do that at home... even out in austin. i think going to clubs - in some strange way- validates my understanding of myself as a 23 year-old woman. grad school hardly makes you feel young. everything else is so serious. so not connected to the culture that i was raised with and learned to appreciate at spelman. i NEED to stay on top of the most recent music. i NEED to wear trendy clothes in a space where it's appreciated. i NEED to feel not married and without attachments such as children... hmm... an identity crisis, maybe?

countdown

miami was my first "research" trip. very productive. not only got a boatload of sources for my thesis, but also gained an awareness of resources available a u miami, began networking with the librarians, and developed a focus for my thesis. the best part - a realization that i'm not as far from my academic path as a doctoral student as i was at spelman. my thesis (for anyone who's not bored by history talk) is looking at afro-cuban women's concepts of feminism and how it intersects with white elite cuban conceptions of feminism and social reform. i'm very excited.

even more excited is that i'm returning to my favorite city this weekend! (well, one of them. can't forget about chicago.) i'm giving a presentation at the national black herstory conference, seeing people at toni cade, organizing a letter-writing campaign for shaquanda cotton, and (on a less academic side) trying to sneak into a few afterparties held for the national black lawyers convention. why am i living in texas again?

p.s. favorite quote from miami: (from a guy trying to pick lauren up outside of a club) "you need a man who can buy you things like candy and CHICKEN..." :) gotta luv black people

it's sunny out! and warm! and i'm in miami! i think i'm finally learning to embrace my inner nerd. i flew all the way to miami to... do my thesis research? yes! i checked into the hotel and ran straight across the street to the library. found a series of essays between a black woman and a (white?) man in cuba aruging over race and the women's movement in 1939. wrote up a rough outline during dinner. now i just have to decide if i want to translate some articles over drinks or ice cream. hmm...

p.s. deLaine told me an old friend saw my pic and said i looked "really good." then she went to go pray. why does she always have to leave a sista hangin?

why am i feeling so grey when it's sunny outside?

i spent the weekend in heels. peeptoe pumps to be exact. it's been a long time since i'd dressed up and put myself on display for men to stare at. i was amused, though not as fullfilled as i'd expected. i think it was the lack of one-on-one interaction... saw common in concert. fabulous as ususal. hung out with good people. walked so many miles that my legs are still sore, but toned (!). best of all- i got out of austin and away from grad school. i realized last week that this process is not healthy. we do too much. we place too many demands on ourselves. and we're never satisfied. there are many days when i get out of bed already feeling like a failure because i've not yet accomplished all that i should be doing - and i don't even know what that is. i'm working two jobs that take up most of my free time. i'm constantly running around, forgetting to eat, barely sitting down to pay bills. i barely spend time with friends, and spend limited quality time with martin... before i took monthly breaks from austin because i hated living in austin... now i do it cause i need the break from the intensity of school for my emotional health.

i saw a trailer for a hip hop documentary. it looks really good. but it made me realize how far i've strayed from the person i was a spelman. she's still here, but distanced from the things that made me "tick": critiquing pop culture, dreaming of ways to help black girls, getting mad about oppression, laughing over stupid things. i wish she was still here. i liked her better.

i feel like i've been molded into the person i was always afraid of becoming: unsatisfied with the world, but passively reformist rather than revolutinary; emotionally subdued with little time to feel and addicted to retail as a replacement... i don't know if it's grad school or austin...

i love martin but i sometimes feel trapped by our relationship (as much as i enjoy feeling secure).

i still miss my ex a year and a half later. i tried to make my self stop thinking about him by switching my thoughts everytime his name came to mind... days into my new strategy i started having dreams about him. so i gave up.

oh well. back to business

i've been in hiding... trying to be a productive grad student this semester. but i fell apart this weekend. not quite sure what happened. maybe it was my pms that always leaves me too tired to do much of anything. maybe it was my frustration with my lack of a social life as a grad student - no one ever wants to come out of the house, and there isn't much to come out for in austin. oh well. i'm leaving town this thursday. and twice next month. back to business for the moment...

fergie's wack

i don't know what fergie think she's doing in her "fergalicious" routine, but she comes off as having absolutely no stage presence... and while i'm on the subject, the billboard awards were superwack.

at least i'm done with one class for the semester. two more to go...

how am i supposed to bring my sexy back, if i'm a poor and busy grad student trying to make it through the last two weeks of the semester?

two questions:

1. tomorrow the UT Conservatives organization is hosting an affirmative action sale. i think a lot of angry people are getting geared up for an attack, but i could care less. i think it's a waste of time... am i wrong?

2. is anyone falling for common's lastest venture with the gap?

don't have class til wednesday. trying to do some work, but school is not what's up today. i'd rather be in my car exploring a major city. gotta get out of austin.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: DON'T SEE IT

last night martin and i went to see texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning. it was stupid. very predictable and too much like the first remake. however, after my conversation with moya yesterday, i thought about a few interesting aspects of the movie in relation to the portrayal of thomas hewitt, the chainsaw murderer.

first, the movie shows the birth of thomas. his mother (as all of the members of the town where the craziness occurs) is poor and filthy. she's extremely overweight, serving as an exploited worker in a meat plant. her experience in labor with thomas defines his grotesque character with his entrance into the world. blood flows when her water breaks. she falls to the ground in pain and dies as thomas is pushed from her body. he, as we already know, is deformed. her boss throws him into a trash can.

he is rescused by a member of the hewitt family, who brings him home and raises him as a part of the family. and so the movie proceeds (almost exactly like the first)...

thomas is the typical disfigured, grotesque, misunderstood figure. his face is covered throughout the movie. he spends his spare time obsessing over his deformed face, attempting to "create" a new image with the skin of the innocent people killed. he is asexual- defined in relation to his uncle, who sexually assaults one of the women taken hostage. rather than seek a connection with anyone of the outside world, he hunts them down and slaughters them. but we never understand why. maybe we're supposed to assume it's because he is manipulated by his psychotic uncle. maybe it's payback for a life of torment as a disfigured child. maybe it's just "in his nature" as a violent freak. my point is that we don't know, because thomas is silent throughout both films.

even more interesting, the story is supposed to be based on actual events...

here are a few details from chasingthefrog.com that attempt to clarify the "real story":

How much of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based on the real life murderer Ed Gein?
Ed Gein's homeDespite being heavily touted as "inspired by a true story," both Tobe Hooper's original 1974 film and the 2003 Marcus Nispel remake are only lightly based on the real-life murderer Ed Gein, who is suspected to have taken several victims between 1954 and 1957. Perhaps the most recognizable similarity is the film's house, whose gruesome content was similar to that found in Ed Gein's home (above right) in 1957.

Did the real Ed Gein ever wear a human's face as a mask like Leatherface did in the film?
The real Ed Gein did wear a human's scalp and face. The real Ed Gein did this however, to help quell his desire to be a woman, not because of a skin disease as with Leatherface in the film. Also included in his uniform, Ed Gein wore a vest of skin complete with breasts and female genitalia strapped above his own. -carpenoctem.tv


Did the real Ed Gein use a chainsaw to kill his victims?
Ed Gein's homeNo, both of Ed Gein's identified victims, Mary Hogan and Bernice Worden, were shot with a pistol. In November of 1957, police found Bernice Worden hanging from the rafters in a shed behind Gein's house. Her body had been gutted like that of a deer, and the head had been removed. Ed Gein was also the suspect in several other missing persons. The element of the chainsaw that was added for the film's story once again emphasizes the loose connection of the film to Gein.
-carpenoctem.tv

Who exactly was Ed Gein and why did he commit such atrocities?
Eddie Gein was the son of Augusta and George Gein. Augusta was a deeply religious woman, who preached the Bible to Eddie and his brother Henry on a daily basis. She warned them about the dangers of loose women, in an effort to keep them from being cast down to hell. She was a strict, hard woman, who never wavered from her own beliefs, which she ingrained into the family. Eddie's father, George, was an alcoholic, and Augusta viewed him as being worthless. She began a grocery business in La Crosse, Wisconsin, and when she had saved enough money she moved the family away from the sin of the city to a farm in Plainfield, Wisconsin. Eddie grew up shy and was ignored by the other kids at school, who saw him as quiet and feminine. If he did try to make friends, his mother scolded him. As a result Eddie turned inward and began to reside in the dark corners of his mind.

He worshipped his mother, and grew upset when his brother Henry criticized her. On May 16, 1944, while fighting a brush fire near the farm, Eddie and Henry split up and went in different directions. After the fire had been extinguished, Eddie grew concerned because his brother had not returned. When police arrived Eddie lead them directly to his "missing" brother Henry, who was lying dead in an area untouched by the fire with bruises on his head. The shy and seemingly harmless Eddie was quickly dismissed as a suspect, and the coroner listed asphyxiation as the cause of death. -crimelibrary.com

tell love that i'm angry

the painful reality of life: it's hard. not just because of these "systems of oppression" that we're always trying to deconstruct, but also the mundane inconveniences... responsibilities, going to work, paying bills.. recognizing that a "vacation" is a taste of a very privileged and ideal lifestyle you'll never fully experience. i wish i could move back to atlanta and live in a cute apartment, go out to lunch twice a week, a club or two every couple of weeks, be surrounded by black people, and dedicate myself to something that i wholly enjoy. is that possible?

which is why i've directed my anger towards love. first- i'm angry in general that we're sold this idea of happiness that is continual. it's bullshit. constant bliss and pleasure is bullshit. happiness comes as moments, periods even, but balanced with stages that are extremely awkward, uncomfortable, and painful... and confusing. and we've been sold the same image of love: that of a constant, unabiding, "i'll know it when and feel it," and uncomplicated state of being with another person. also bullshit.

several realizations & subsequent questions have occurred/arisen within recent weeks...
fighting sucks
how much fighting is too much?
how bad should it be?
is it possible to overcome personal flaws that cause such fighting?
how much pain (emotional) is too much?
sometimes i'm just indifferent to it all
sometimes one gives more than is returned
sometimes one loves the other more
fighting sucks
what if marriage is destined to lead to unhappiness?
what if i never get over my past?
what would happen if i just called?
love is a choice
it could always be worse
it could always be better
sometimes i'd rather deal with the bullshit and have good laughs in between than have all of my complaints resolved and no challenge to just enjoy the moment
maybe we'd make better friends
maybe it's all in my head
maybe i'll get over it
which is better: security in love or love that takes you out of your element?
am i just romanticizing the past, or do i miss it?
no one has all of the answers
why can't there be a guidebook?
we're sooo much alike that sometimes, when i get angry at him, i feel like i'm fighting against myself...
fighting sucks
is it wrong to take a break?
why do i keep feeling trapped by the boundaries that are a "relationship"?
i wish we never became official
everything was so much easier in the beginning
i am trying to run away?
isn't finding someone that dedicated more important that having fun?
isn't fun relative?
maybe it gets better with time...

if anyone has any ideas, please help me out

1. i'm in atlanta

2. i presented at a conference yesterday. food for thought: you cannot travel to another country for several weeks and expect to walk away understanding what life is like. tour groups in a country under a dictatorship do not show you the realities of life. tour groups are a purposely CONSTRUCTED experience that will rarely take you outside of the realm of tourism, that is, spaces created/maintained for foreigners (think about it... how many people in a poor country live in the tourist sector). i'll leave it at that...

2. yesterday, at toni cade, dr. k asked everyone what they were fighting for. i said self-preservation. i feel it every time i visit my family in chicago and see yuppies as their new neighbors, and i wonder how long it'll take before they'll have to move out. i go to austin and see blacks being pushed out of yet ANOTHER neighborhood because it's become prime real estate. and i return to atlanta, only to find that there are parts of the west end that i won't recognize in ten years. their erasing our history with each family kicked out, each home torn down, and each condo erected. i feel like i/we are being wiped out...

3. i am painfully aware of class (and my class privilege) everywhere i turn: at the airport, at the public high school where i now work, on the bus to school, in the cafeteria. all the more reason to dedicate myself to an activist-centered lifestyle.

4. i still love atlanta. must figure out how to return in 4-5 years... unless i get a job to live closer to my parents...

had a long talk with three black women last week. mental note: don't ever let so much time without surrounding myself with black women again.

five days into my temp gig working nights. everytime i try to hate it i look around at the people twice my age who never went to school. another reason to work harder.

yesterday, while at work, i heard this rock song about this guy whose friends had died. i started thinking about the people my age who haven't made it this far: josie freshman year; rachel's brother sophomore year; chris and tyler junior year; nate, nekia, amanda... way too many. and i know that they certainly didn't wake up counting down the hours. so i figured, either i could focus on hating life in austin, this shitty (but privileged) process of graduate school, and working nights for only three weeks, or i could be happy that i am independent, surrounding by wonderful people, and earning money. so now i'm trying to stop taking myself so seriously... again

i'm bored here in austin. and, after a summer of feeling unsettled and lonely, after a year of feeling out of place, i'm starting to wonder if i'm where i'm supposed to be. what part of the process is this? am i constantly doubting my current position because this is not the path i'm supposed to be following? or is it just a challenge to test my endurance and motivation? i keep thinking about my classes that are to begin in a few weeks, and i'm far from excited. my friends are beginning to come back, and i just want to hide. i don't want to be reminded of school. i don't want to think about being intimidated by professors, of racing to stay on top of my work and never being satisfied with my progress. grad school is a horrible, horrible process... and yet i'm privileged to be provided with a part-time job that pays my rent and spend my days reading.

i think that i might be taking on too much job-wise, but my almost negative bank account has me feeling the need to rebuild the cushion that allows me to sleep well at night. i'll never get used to being broke.

maybe i just need a break from austin, but i hesitate to move. i always fear that my "breaks" from a space in which i'm unhappy are actually an escape, leaving me back in my original place of discontent upon returning... maybe even a bit unhappier. which brings me to capitalism and shopping. the concept of vacations are interesting... most people who vacation save money that they earn at jobs that they hate, to get away from the jobs that they hate and live in a temporary space of non-reality (not the life that they hate), only to return to the job that they hate. what's the point? why not find a job that provides pleasure, and use vacations to gain perspective that will enhance rest of their life... or am i being idealistic. why do we work? why not sacrifice the job that pays a lot of money and sacrifice material needs. or better yet, why not recognize that material "needs" deepen our unhappiness... now i am being idealistic. if anyone has any insight, help me out...