how would we understand love if we didn't have movies and television shows to package it for us? maybe we are just performing what has been dished to us our whole lives...

my latest experiment/hobby: photojournaling... check me out!

http://tkphotodiary.blogspot.com/

they say that God may not pull you out of it, but He will pull you through it...

yesterday i broke down in church because i realized that, after 9 months of studying and stressing, my exams had passed. and i hadn't barely passed; i had done really well. my professors were impressed with my written work and told me that i should "commend" myself for a "job well done." (for anyone who has not "experienced" grad school - there is nothing crazier than having your professors give such direct, positive feedback). they and all of my friends and family kept telling me to celebrate. yet found myself deeply ambivalent... partially happy, partially worried about what to do with all of my free time and wondering what to do next... but mostly numb... and on sunday, when Reverend Pringle sang "i won't complain," as he has since i was in grade school, i experienced a reaction that i hadn't anticipated. i was not happy that i had passed, but proud that i had made it through the journey - amazed that i had survived the very real and scary low points of the past months (especially march).

...and so very grateful.

what is the world coming to?

Please check this articles out:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/30/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/30breathalyzerct.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

I find it interesting that the assumed solution to social problems is the development of new mechanisms through which to "police" individuals. The link above discusses the recent move by many schools to use breathalyzers to test whether or not their students have been drinking. Some test students before entering school dances; others check students who appear to have been drinking during the school day. I wonder how they think invoking fear of punishment solves the "problem" at hand.

This raises two issues. First, forms of punishment and control do nothing to eliminate the deeper issues that lead teenagers to drink in the first place. I remember first getting drunk when I was sixteen at a house party. My friend's mother frequently left her and her brother alone on Friday or Saturday nights. She saw the empty house as an opportunity to invite people over to use drugs and drink. We were too excited to act a fool and engage in these forbidden behaviors. Looking back, I have no idea how we even got the alcohol, aside from giving someone money and requests to get what we wanted. Even scarier is that I experienced a mild form of alcohol poisoning when I first got drunk (I still can't stand Captain Morgan's rum or pepsi). That night, I was so far gone that I couldn't think, walk (I fell down the stairs without realizing it), talk, or see clearly. I could've easily been raped, and I have no idea if the person who drove me home had been drinking.

I was lucky. Aside from waking up with a headache the next morning, I was alive and healthy. My early experimentation with liquor did not overlap an addictive personality or issues of depression that might have that led to habitual binging or alcoholism. Drinking did not become a way for me to self-medicate, and (for the most part) I quickly learned my limit when going out. Others have not been so fortunate.

Second, school attempts to regulate underage drinking through punishment reflects a disconnection of school administrators and parents from teenagers. Maybe they have forgotten how hard high school can be, when our bodies are changing, every test/fight/breakup seems like the end of the world, and we are children struggling to become adults. What is needed is more attention to the individual and their personal needs rather than dismissing teenagers as "problem students." They need to be listened to, heard, and validated. They need services and programs to cultivate their talents and interests. They need for adults to be open to talking about serious issues, proper education on drinking and drugs, and someone who can give them a safe ride home without fearing repercussions.

i put little pieces of paper all over my apartment telling me to move on
i talked to my friends about why the situation was wrong, and why ending things now was secretly a blessing in disguise
and they all agreed with me... but i didn't...

a woman i spoke with the other day pointed out that i seemed "disappointed" - using THE perfect word to illustrate how i feel... i am overwhelmed with disappointment

he said he didn't think that i would even go on a second date with him. that he was surprised i kept coming around. that he didn't think i would take a serious relationship with him seriously...
it makes me sad to think that he didn't know that i was completely blown away by him... days later i would and do continue to think through bits of our conversations on raising children and fighting inequality and Christianity
i admire that on our first date he put all of the deep and heavy parts of his life on the table
i think his band is amazing, and find it awesome that he finds so much potential in his students
and i could go on and on, but i'd only be torturing myself...

he told me that i had "a lot going on"; that he wanted something serious that would lead to kids in the near future, and that he wasn't ready to deal with me leaving for a year
and it made sense, sort of... part of me wonders if he was being completely honest, because i've always believed if you want things to work, if you really believe in something, you will take the risk... but, then again, I'VE always been the one to leave - for the summer, for the semester, for a year... and until this conversation i had never really thought about how the other person felt
so i don't blame him

this happened over two weeks ago - almost three weeks - and i'd only known him for five...
and the crazy thing is that meeting him made me realize that my friend abroad is not the one, which sacred me because it made me afraid that i'd regret not trying to push things... but i don't believe in fighting someone over something they clearly don't want

part of me feels that my frustration stems from anxieties over lacking a solid "base" and the desire to maintain a consistent connection with another person [side note: i am terrified of leaving the country for a year and returning to write my dissertation with no requirements for where i live. my grad school friends will be scattered across the country doing their work. my high school friends have established lives and families. my college friends live all over the country. worst of all, deKalb is no longer "home" beyond the comfort of my parents house... i feel as though i belong nowhere]

but another part of me says - no, you established a connection with someone that made you look at things differently; someone with whom, for once, you could be all of your quirky selves with; someone who acknowledged that their journey had been hard, and that they were still growing; someone who thinks outside the box, sees the good in every person, and has his own sense of style/taste
and it's not that i was in love, but that i was completely wide open with curiosity

i find myself fighting the thought that it is over. then i get mad for wasting time torturing myself. i hate waking up sad. i feel stupid for still thinking about this almost three weeks later. and i envy those who seem to have their personal lives together... i need to move on

i've got it figured out - for now...

i've been thinking about what it is that i "like," and i've identified at least four:
1. traveling & exploring new places, figuring out the intricacies of now so new ones...
2. food! mainly trying new restaurants, but also making new foods
3. art... especially painting and photography ... when i finish my exams, i'm going to buy a new camera and start exploring...
4. movies/music...

so maybe i'm not as lost as i thought i was - just in hiding... :)

i was on the verge of tears... and ready to quit...

i've done a lot in my 24 years, but i'd like to give myself permission to just stop - at least for a few moments.

i'm in the process of studying for these exams - 25 books from finishing my reading list of almost 150. academia is isolating. and unhealthy. i've realized recently that i don't really know myself outside of my work anymore. twice in the past month i was asked if i had any hobbies... i always thought of my research as my hobby... it is, after all, my craft. but the problem is that there is little difference between my research and my (future) career. i don't know what else i'd like to do with my time - social activism? can that be my hobby? (my friend said no). well i don't know what else to do with my time... i read, i work, and i go to class. that is my life right now. and after it is over, i will probably take a short break, watch some tv, maybe even go to the mall... and then go back to work, research, and class...

aside for the occasional night out, i don't know what to do with my free time...

have you ever met a man whose aura attracted you so forcefully that even looking at his profile picture seemed to physically suck you in? it just gives me chills...

dem presidential debates @ SC

so i watched the debates last night. at least a third of it was a waste of time... and painful. Clinton and Obama fighting like two twelve-year-olds... Edwards was on point, yet even the moderator treated him like an underdog. Obama skirted the issues... and (at least for me) it wasn't about him acknowledging his wrongdoings so that we might like him less, but so that he could stand up for himself by being honest and suggesting that he had nothing to hide... i still don't understand what the difference between the 3 "universal" healthcare plans are. i still don't like Clinton. and i still don't understand why Edwards' poignant critique of predatory lenders and plan to eliminate poverty has been overlooked. however, it was interesting to see Edwards and Clinton (hers was SO half-ass) play the race card by identifying issues that affected blacks in that sort of liberal, "i'm down and understand the issues" manner... people across the would be screaming if Obama started going off about racism being institutional in the same manner as Edwards... i'm going to give it one last shop next week... i hope to never see a debate like last night again

hello 2008?

it's a "new" year, yet i don't feel like i'm beginning anything... maybe it's because i'm in the middle of a journey - studying for exams, brushing up on my portuguese, and leaving austin... and while the finish line (of this stage) is quickly approaching, i feel unprepared and terrified. but God has blessed me with another year, so here's what i'm hoping for in 2008 (my resolutions):

1. pay off unnecessary debit (i.e. credit cards and car note) by May -- easy
2. eat fruits and vegetables ... and drink water -- not-so-easy
3. put in the work to become the scholar of my dreams, and move beyond fantasies and procrastinating -- hard
4. reconnect with my quirky interests: experimenting with music, watching indie films, and entertaining my artsy side
5. (dare i say it) embrace life as an adventure... and write about it


easier said than done. this new year is getting more exciting by the minute... plus i'm turning 25 in august!!!

which reminds me of resolution #6 - i want my gift to be me in my best "shape" possible by 25

making the transition...

i wish i'd never permed my hair. i had gorgeous hair. it was long and thick... but i was so sensitive that a RAN from combs. in fifth grade, my mother decided she couldn't take it any more and straightened it permanently [is that were "perm" comes from?] i remember feeling grown up, like i had joined a new social club for black women. no more lil'-girl ponytails.
but it broke off; at one point my hair barely brushed my shoulders. i think i slowly started to adjust to styling my hair in high school. in my first driver's license, it fell past my collarbones. at Spelman i recognized the beauty of the hair salon and a fresh style - walking down the street with your hair flowing in the wind, trying to make it look as full as possible, and experimenting with highlights (during which it promptly broke off again.... and yet again my first year in grad school when i dyed my entire head auburn... but it was cute though). i tried to "grow it out" several times, but gave up each time the summer humidity left me feeling like a walking puff. but this time i think - i hope - that i'm serious. i'm no longer in love with my perm, but i'm terrified of being without it... correction - i'm afraid of cutting it off and having short hair for the first time in my life; afraid of being outside of society's norm. i'm afraid of the transition...

from november 28th...

i'm in an odd place now... i keep having these urges to express myself creatively, and i usually roll my eyes when i hear the word, "creative." something about my current process/stage of graduate school is stifling my creativity. i just need to find a way to express it... without shopping

been awhile since i've written... i'm attempting to grow my perm out.... again. this time i think i'll make it; i'm curious to see what awaits beneath my straightened locks...

thoughts on raising black girls

i wish that instead of being taught to keep our legs closed/wait until marriage/not give away the milk without the purchase of the cow (and all of the bullshit that they've fed us throughout our lives) we were empowered to view and treat our bodies as our property. i write this not to reinforce discourses that treat women's bodies as commodities for rent or purchase, but to break with the notion that anyone but us might have control over accessing our most intimate mental, emotional and physical spaces. i also send a resounding "fuck you" to the structures of oppresion (and people) that sustain the following ideas and practices:

- that there are times and places when women and girls must ignore their their discomfort with sexist behaviors as to avoid making those in the room feel awkward
- that we need to "tone down" our "outspoken" and "aggressive" attitudes so that we may attract or keep good men
- that men are the only viable option for life partners
- using the Bible to shame our sexual behaviors, while refuing to engage in critical dialogues of how popular culture defines our value soley on the terms of our sexual capabilities (or perhaps the more appropriate term might be sexual services)
- that only marriage validates sexual relationships and birthing babies
- that it's not okay to be angry about patriarchy and misogyny
- failing to hold men accountable when they disrespect women and girls or treat the responsibilities of sex and/or relationships seriously, but blaming women for being active, getting raped, catching STIs, or becoming pregnant
- that we are our father's property
- holding double standards of any kind
- conditioning girls to become women who are afraid or reluctant to voice their concerns in order to "keep the peace" or avoid "being difficult" within relationships
- conditioning girls to become women who place everyone else's wants and needs before theirs
- not demading that we be comfortable with our bodies, stop to ask ourselves how we are feeling, and seek help when things are not okay
- for encouraging competition amongst ourselves for men, friends, and material gain
- teaching us that only women with long straight hair are beautiful
- hating our monthly periods
- discouraging women and girls to stray from home as they grow older; for stifling curiousity
- not taking sexual abuse seriously
- failing to promote healthy relationships between women and men outside of the boundaries of sex
- not teaching women and men to engage in dialogues about emotional needs and sex throughout relationships
- never telling us that it is okay to change our minds
- never telling us that it is okay to be unconventional
- never telling us that we don't always need your approval

i could go on and on, but i've run out of time. feel free to add to the list. my purpose is to continue the dialogue of creating emotionally strong and secure girls and women who feel entitled to live happy, healthy lives by challenging patriarchy, heterosexism, classism, ageism, and religious discrimination in addition to racism...

i'm going through an angry phase. cuba always seems to do something to me... the first time it was because i felt isolated from those around me. this time it was the transition from living fairly worry and stress-free to being inundated with lists of of tasks to complete. even more, it's dealing with the differences i share with my closest friends and our perspectives on social issues, capitalism, and morality.

needless to say, i've been angry with the church. i have no desire to go. i've had to make a conscious effort to talk to God on a regular basis - to thank him for my daily progress towards success and growth and happiness. but it's hard to separate the two. i'm tired of moralistic judgements people pass on others. even more irritating is the ignorance people allow to come out of their mouths. how does it affect you if a person loves another of the same sex? why are you better than someone else who has chosen to sleep with multiple partners? who really thinks that it is cute to suggest that "bisexuals are just being greedy"? and why is there something wrong with people whose lifelong ambitions aren't getting married and raising babies with the opposite sex? i just don't understand how people allow themselves to become so preoccupied with the lifestyles of others that have absolutely no affect on their lives. why the intolerance? why not focus on larger issues, like the people around us who are struggling?

back in the U.S. of A

i cried when i left cuba. what's crazy is that i expected the trip to be horrible. i thought i'd spend five weeks in a cramped apartment, afraid of bugs, and watching dvds while counting down the days. instead, i met amazing people. learned a lot about myself. rediscovered music outside of dirty south. experienced bliss. realized that my spanish is limited (note: RUN to a spanish class and start studying the structure of the language). and laughed for 33 days straight.

being back is a definite adjustment. standing in the continental airlines at cancun made me fill physically ill. walking around the corner and suddenly being surrounded by starbucks signs, dozens of types of magazines and gum, and taned/braided/super-self-conscious people was too much to take in at once. then i remembered all that coming year is going to bring: studying for exams, applying for fellowships, writing papers, working, and being stressed about money again. but, with the exception of the last part, i love my life. i am incredibly privileged to have great friends, family, and opportunities.

now part three. i moved apartments the day after i returned. martin and broke up. it was my idea, and i did it because we've spent far too long trying to figure out how to "fix" things... we had only been together for a year and a half. clearly, the communication had failed and i'm too young to allow my self to stay in a place in which i'm unhappy. my mother is visiting me this week. tonight, i'm having dinner with one of my favorite people in austin. i'm leaving for atl on friday. i feel like i'm starting something new and i am SO excited!


p.s. i'm going on a "man fast" for awhile. right now things are all about me...

today i realized that i am twenty-three and 3/4 years old and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! that is sooo fucking cool.

yesterday i came across some old journals from cuba and freshman year. it was weired, because it was organized in such a way (or perhaps not organized at all) that i'd mixed notes from speakers at spelman, with random poems (i wrote poems? forgot about that) and diary entries. many of them dealt with my relationship with chris during the first several months. the beginning of my relationship with him was bullshit. we messed around, but rarely went on dates. i wasn't satisfied with our conversations. i wished that he was more ambitious and spontaneous. i thought about dating other people on a regular basis. even more interesting is that i was well aware of the transition in our relationship when it went from just being together to a genuine interest in him as my boyfriend. and, in many ways, things got a lot better from there. we matured as individuals and as a couple. but i don't know what is more painful when i look back at my freshman year - that my first love treated me less than i deserved out of selfishness, or that i allowed him to treat me less than i deserved because of my lack of self-worth.

school is out... i should be revising my thesis or working on the paper for the oprah anthology, but i've been working at the college forward office and being lazy during the evenings. not completely unproductive - i've become addicted to certain aspects of the process - searching for conferences, building my reading lists (how am i supposed to pick 50 books to cover latin america from the 1820s to the present?), and so forth. next month/next week will bring a new level of craziness to my life. i'm going on a road trip with my students tuesday through saturday. leaving for new york on the 13th. havana on the 18th. atlanta in july... anywhere but austin. i'm ready to start reading for my exams. ready to get to work on a new documentary. ready to embrace a new lifestyle of being uncertain... i'm twenty-three, soon to be twenty-four and i want to embrace being young and single and without spatial limits. i'm going to montreal in september and i'm excited. leaving for d.c. the week after that to celebrate another year with tina and my sister.

two thoughts... maybe more

1. Moya and i were talking about the unending drama of hip hop and misogyny and the state of the black community. many would love to attack hip hop as the current downfall of the black culture and social dynamics. to a certain extent, i concur. but hip hop wasn't the beginning of sexism; not the root of the sexual exploitation of black women; and not the first generation of black music to degrade women in its lyrics. we need to find a more holistic approach to fighting racial and sexual oppression.

1 1/2. in response to black conservatives/moderates/etc. who pathologize the working class and poor as so-called degenerates, i don't think that the "problem" with the "black community" is single mothers who don't take care of their children and a lack of strong father figures. certainly, people of all classes and races deal with fathers who walk out on their children. single-motherhood isn't anything new. the rest is too complex to even attempt to deconstruct in this blog. however, i think the real issue is a loss of "community." i'm not trying to romanticize what life must have been like in past generations. but we do need to acknowledge how the development of capitalism and individualistic ideologies have affected how we pursue our interests and goals, in addition to how we relate to each other. in many ways, it seems that desegregation contributed to the breakdown of the black community (this is a working theory... and i'm not yet ready to interrogate our understanding of what the "black community" is or what it should be). "get rich," "me, me, me" mentalities plague our overall society. the media has desensitized so many of us (myself included) to the point of not questioning music videos, sexual assault against women, or the rising number of black men and women in the prison system. you complain about healthcare and the person sitting next to you looks at you like you have two heads. people call you angry. others ask why you care, or worse, respond that they're gonna make sure that they "get theirs." meanwhile, we 1) bitch about what's wrong with the world without questioning how the acceptance of our own privilege contributes to systematic injustices; 2) look past/over/around those next us who struggle without caring or feeling any sort of connection; 3) (notable in the case of several celebrities) refuse to hold ourselves accountable and 4) value becoming rich people over useful people who work towards ending systems of oppression.

2. sexism isn't given nearly as much weight, acknowledgement, and validity as racism. r kelly can screw black teenage girls and his records sales continue to climb, but we would be out for eminem's head if he called dre or any other black man an n-word in public. i'm tired of black men acting like being black is more important than being a woman. i'm tired of being brushed off, laughed at, or ignored for challenging the status quo or demanding respect. it's time to move beyond looking at sexual assault and exploitation only in relation to one's manhood. we need a revolution in our understanding of gender and subsequent value placed on women.

more importantly, the revolution must start at home. i would never listen to the red hot chili peppers if they used the n-word, yet i continue to dance to the yin yang twins on the radio and in the club. i too am a product of the culture and part of the problem. i can't play both sides...