copied and pasted from the crunk feminist collective blog:

Frankly, the more I like me and my life, the more I’m convinced this whole marriage thing is overrated. Do I want a man? Yes. Sometimes. For some things. But on other days, I simply want me, a good book, and maybe the company of some close girlfriends.


(Amen).

i believe in love.

i believe in falling in love; in nourishing and cultivating something deep and fulfilling that can endure years...

but, when my romantic visions meet the actual relationships that i surround me, i become doubtful... when those initial romantic feelings transition into a RELATIONSHIP... at what cost do we keep "love" in our lives?

i'll admit it: my pessimistic outlook stems from my two previous relationships. the first had everything i thought i wanted, but ended when i realized that he was unable to deal with his demons in a healthy manner. the second left my cup more than full... until i realized that a relationship with no emotional commitment/stability was just a straw house... in both cases i realized that i had to move on because the emotional instability was (seriously) driving me crazy

beyond all of this, my frustration comes from the recognition of how gender roles allow men to selfishly pursue their dreams or deal/not deal with their baggage and be taken care of without having to reciprocate all of this in their relationships with women who deal with this "out of love." and so many acknowledge this imbalance and sometimes even feel entitled. i feel irritated by all of this bullshit in the popular culture that suggests men want forever be bachelors while women dream of being married from the age of 3 (which usually seems to be true) --- yet studies show that men live longer, healthier and happier lives when they marry while women are more likely to sacrifice their interests, die violently, and feel unsatisfied with their lives.

a woman i had drinks with recently told me that she was once demanding like me, but realized by her forties that compromises had to be made in order to have a relationship with a man - particularly a black man. compromises? i can make compromises - making dinner when he's tired, going hiking when i'd rather spend the day at the beach, etc., etc. ... and i'm all about being a person's cheerleader, nurse when they are sick, and keeping sex interesting...

but is it possible to compromise in a manner that is healthy for women in addition to men? what would this even look like? i'm not sure...

to be poor, of color, and a girl

there is a crisis among poor girls of color

they don't respect each other
they don't love themselves
they have few interests outside of fighting, texting/myspace, and dances (dances and boys are to be expected... maybe even the internet and phones)
they don't enjoy school - the place where they spend the majority of their time
in fact, they recognize that school is a toxic environment... yet they feel it's impossible to
change

what does this mean?

why are there police "offices" (stations) in middle schools?

if children are spending the majority of their weekdays at school, then school should be a potential site for transformation

maybe i'm being too idealistic. but something has to give

already mid-way into march... wow.
it's 2010... TWO THOUSAND AND TEN

this year, thus far, has been bumpy. i've experienced depression and anxiety; walked away from a relationship that meant everything to me; and pushed away people who - though they had my best interests at heart - were too much for me to handle in such an emotionally fragile state.

but all of this has forced me to reevaluate myself and my life: to learn to put myself first (still working on doing so without feeling selfish); tap into my emotional side over intellect (still working on it); drawing appropriate boundaries; and focusing on the moment rather than worrying about the future

and i feel good! for the first time in a looong time...

i was standing strong
and then he called
wanted to let me know that he was genuinely trying to think though "everything"
knocked me off my feet... see... i had worked so hard to draw from my anger and new expectations of future loves to help me move on... build a wall that would keep him from hurting me again
but then he called... and it was like he ripped the bandage off of a healing wound
so now i have hope again, and i am terrified of this feeling... i can't live my life hoping that someone will come around...
yet i don't want my pride to keep me from... whatever i'm too afraid to fantasize about happening

one day at a time. each day focusing on me: my happiness and becoming a better person by serving others...

poem for a mental & spiritual rebirth...

IN EVERY BREATH

in every breath
if you're the center
of your own desires
you'll lose the grace of your beloved

but if in every breath
you blow away
your self claim
the ecstasy of love
will soon arrive

in every breath
if you're the center
of your own thoughts
the sadness of autumn
will fall on you

but if in every breath
you strip naked
just like a winter
the joy of spring
will grow from within

all your impatience
comes from the push
for gain of patience
let go of the effort
and peace will arrive

all of your unfulfilled desires
are from your greed
for gain of fulfillments
let go of them all
and they will be sent as gifts

fall in love with
the agony of love
not the ecstasy
then the beloved
will fall in love with you

-rumi

i wish i was a songwriter.
wish i could write and sing the blues.
i think it's amazing that artists can take a single thought, a single mood and create something that speaks to people.
maybe a song could be my release...

my dad/father tells me to be positive; that i will receive a fellowship for next year.
i wonder why he never tells me to be positive about love.
is a career somehow more important than love? am i missing something?
why are we taught to pursue our dreams of careers and travel and making money... but never love?
why did no one ever teach me about love? i wish someone did...

i am going to be hopeful about love.
i'm going to think of love as a little surprise waiting for me... when i'm ready... when the universe decides that i'm ready.

i'd like to maintain this high until then - to know that it may be at the market, salsa night, or in my phone book.

and i'd like to continue feeling that i am worthy.

trust life...

giving myself permission to talk about the process is a big deal

what's to talk about?

hope or let go?
did it really happen, or was it all a dream?
what is a relationship?
and what is the difference between being in love and loving?

state of mind

so i'm going to be straight forward: it's light outside, but i'm in a dark place right now. been here for over a month. however... rather than hide, as i've been doing for the past couple of weeks, i'm going to use this blog to talk through everything until i get through it. so, here i go...

break ups suck, especially when - given slightly different circumstances - you'd be happy in love and living on an island of bliss... especially, when you didn't see the end coming until the road suddenly fell off

maybe it wasn't so sudden... maybe i was just trying to hard to see something else

what does love really mean, anyway?

i wish i could say that loneliness is new, but it really isn't.

not sure if i need a change of scene or a change of mind...

sleeping would be great, but i'm already rested

on my way out of town to spend the weekend looking at art - old and new. hopefully, a little inspiration...

finally pulled myself off the couch at out of my apartment
sipping peppermint tea
thinking about writing
i'd rather be in bed crying
but i guess it's better to keep moving - to keep moving with life
i am tired and i still have no appetite
but i want to get through this... the sooner the better
so i'm going to keep moving with life...

nearing 2010...

last night i started a new journal... wrote a detailed list of all that i had "experienced" in 2009... from traveling to cuba (again) and back... a short vacation in philly/d.c./nyc... three weeks of fabulous food, sites, and folk in brazil.... the death of my childhood friend, michael brown... and first birthday of my friend's daughter, isabella... spending several months at home in DeKalb, IL... the journey of a new relationship (both physically and emotionally)... and trying to understand love... a new job... writing my first dissertation chapter (and having it ripped apart a month later)... two weddings... salsa nights... yoga... much needed time with old and new friends... the death of my uncle... and morning the loss of lives... and, for the first time in a long time, questioning the meaning of life and my role here (i'll get back to you when i find an answer)... ... ... i realized several things while writing this list: i am very fortunate, i am strong and resilient, i am more of an optimist than i ever used to be... and i have lived a year full of life... for that i thank God...

why do we spend so much stressing, rather than standing confident in the reality that God and the universe has our backs?

i've been struggling to sleep through the night adjusting to a new apartment (and living alone again), meeting deadlines, and acquiring a job. yet, time and time again, everything comes through. every fantasy, every trip, every financial need, and every job. EVERYTHING...

i need to learn to truly trust in God and have full confidence in the order of the universe.

back to this blogging thing

not sure if anyone is out there... but i think it's time i return to the world of blogging. back to reading friends' posts and utilizing this space to think through politics and relationships and the little bits of each day that make life fabulous.

so updates: in a new relationship. it's great, and challenged me to think a lot about how and why i communicate (or don't communicate)... fortunately, i'm with someone who is patient and challenges me to be more open/honest/forward that i am used to.

back in austin. 105 degree days. dinner with old friends. salsa nights.

trying to write this dissertation. need to develop a schedule and stick to it, as something else always seems more interesting...

just started a new job this afternoon. working with middle school and high school age girls. will keep you posted.

things are great.

habit forming love

love of self
love of community
romantic love

what would true love look like?

i think that love is bravery
i want to be brave



http://habitforminglove.blogspot.com/

updates

slowly working on Cuba pictures from the past several months... check it out

http://tkphotodiary.blogspot.com/

new resolutions

1. love (of self, others, and falling...)
2. no shopping (yes, i'm for real. i've already gone three weeks and am feeling quite strong)
3. learn spanish
4. visit brazil

'09 is gonna be great!

home again...

i've "survived" the past three months abroad, and i'm stronger because of it. i plan to spend the next five weeks... actually, i have no plan, except to sit in my parents' house with my dog and take advantage of cable tv. i love those rare moments when one is able to just sit still and think. it's such a privilege... i will also take time to feel grateful for another rare moment: not feeling restless...

moya made a really good point yesterday - that we "activist-intellectuals"/quirkyblackgirls tend to cultivate separate spaces in which we preserve our sanity in a very fucked up patriarchal, racist, etc., etc.... capitalist and genocidal society. it is so much easier to bitch about the world with my progressive friends than to challenge my more conservative friends and family members. it is easier to blog about the men and teenage boys that harass my sister and i walking to the train station than to confront them (and also, sadly, safer). the problem is that this does nothing to change the "outside" world. so what do i (and we) do?

first, as brainstormed by moya and i, we need to plan a guerrilla movement against patriarchy in the black community by bombarding radio stations across the country. no intellectual jargon. no citing books that they should be reading. just some some simple - r&b is fucked up because it only teaches women to live for another man rather than themselves and each other; why is it okay for kanye to defend gay rights (which is important) but then denigrate women in his lyrics; when did men start trying to get a woman's attention by yelling out the color of her shirt or interrupting her while on the phone; and why does my fear for my safety keep me for calling men out on their bullshit...

second, the more that i travel and witness gentrification, poverty and struggle, extreme wealth, and a common, deep-rooted unhappiness that is temporarily quelled by material attainment, the more i realize that the system we're in is not working. now i'm not an anarchist (though i can relate to their frustrations), and i usually roll my eyes when i hear talk of a "revolution" (whatever that has come to mean), but the world needs a serious change that is light years beyond what obama has to offer. as much as a college education can give an individual/family/community, it will not end racism (as demonstrated by a recent incident in manhattan, my friend and i can be two doctoral students with master's degrees, but, in the eyes of the server, we're still just two black kids who will probably skip the bill). voting will not stop men from grabbing at women as they walk down the street or in the club, and then calling them at bitch for not responding. furthermore, a black man in the whitehouse is not going to make people love themselves and treat each other with genuine respect and compassion.

no, what we need is to acknowledge the ways in which our own greed (mine included) contributes to maintaining systemic inequalities. but this is hard. to quote erykah and many others - the media constantly tells us live our lives through fear and consumption. so, i overlook the reality that my clothes are made by the hands of poor women and children working in sweatshops because i know how good i'll look walking down the street. i tell myself that i can't afford to give money to spelman, and i cringe when i give my student money to help take care of her tuition, yet i am already searching for the perfect winter boots.


i'm not saying that we can't enjoy things... just that we need to acknowledge where
the need to constantly consume comes from; that our possession of material things does not give us the right to judge other people; that we need to be more eco/human-friendly in our consumption habits; and that such an inequitable distribution of wealth which exists in our world is immoral and - dare i say it - unGodly...

so... i've been thinking about this a lot lately, and i think i'm going to work really hard to make the following changes:
1. stop supporting big businesses whenever possible - especially starbucks (sigh) - and instead support local restaurants, coffee shops, bookstores, clothing and music stores, etc.
2. buy the majority of my clothes from second-hand stores... and stop shopping for the rest of the year
3. work towards giving money that i would normally waste on material things to causes that are important, like Spelman and College Forward (collegeforward.org)
4. becoming more eco-friendly by not buying bottled water, purchasing drinks @ coffee shops that come in plastic container, etc.
5. again pursue my goals of self love and love of others... this means not acting on my insecurities, engaging in petty gossip (so, so, SO hard), and sitting silent when people make ignorant statements about other racial/ethnic groups, classes, or people who engage in non-heterosexual practices

if the "revolution" is ever going to come, it needs to start at home.

note #1: i am not walking unless it involves walking to and from a bus or subway station...
note #2: i have great friends. i wish i could pack them up and take them to cuba with me...