i've noticed lately that a lot of people don't know what to do with black women... black men included. it's as though they assume that we are inherently hostile, angry, and aggressive; like any encounter with us will be unpleasant. Michelle Obama was on The View today, and the aol story focused on how she used the opportunity to "soften " her image as an unpatriotic, angryblackwoman. at no point did they mention that Cindy McCain was on the same show a month earlier... is it possible that America's discomfort with black women might hinder the election of a black male president? food for thought and discussion...

i've experienced a lot of anxiety these past months anticipating the changes that are to come... it's made me feel like an emotional mess - high with laughter one moment, bawling in a corner the next. however, right now i've returned to a old, familiar position - peace... nothing extreme, just a moment of being content with where i sit in the present, how i feel physically an emotionally connected to myself, people, and the earth. it makes me feel grateful...

i am craving black people! i keep fantasizing about a cookout, with grilled beef ribs, kosher hot dogs, chicken and somebody's homemade bbq sauce. blue kool aid in a jug with chunks of fruit floating at the top. uncles smoking black and milds and wearing past family reunion t-shirts. talking shit over dominoes and spades. little kids making noise running around and practicing the latest dance moves. homemade potato salad. everyone bobbing their heads to music ranging from jill to r kelly to the isley brothers to sam cooke...

another rant about love

because love seems to be occupying a large portion of my time... i'm going to keep writing about it until my thoughts shift to something different...

so i've been thinking a lot about how i behave in relationships... unconsciously guarded and a bit defensive. patriarchy teaches girls that our goal is to be liked. to be sweet and friendly and giving. i've struggled with this all my life. contrary to what a lot of people seem to think during our first encounters, i'm really not that sweet. i can be sarcastic and snobbish. i'm beyond the point of faking friendliness (except for those RARE moments when i'm in a professional setting). don't get me wrong. i am sincere when friendly. but i avoid smalltalk like the plague. i feel awkward when meeting new people and take a looong time to open up. fitting the mold of a girl/woman that people enjoy being around - with the exception of my friends - is draining, as i constantly feel that i'm walking a tightrope of conformity.

anyway, my point is that i feel like we/people are programed to perform certain roles, and i often find myself reaching into some memory bank to retrieve the appropriate response to various situations (visually referencing friends and associates' experiences, tv, and even movies). when unable to find a response i shut down. the hard part is identifying the appropriate emotion, giving myself permission to feel such a way, and then deciding what action is best to take. this has both helped and hurt my past relationships in various ways. first, i pick my battles. when reevaluating a situation, i often decide that it's not "that serious." i've let myself get walked over a lot for this, but i've also trained myself to avoid petty arguments, sort of... second, i rarely am able to fight on the spot. i shut down, confused, and need alone time to examine what has just happened before talking. i think that this has driven many of men crazy. but when i'm ready, they get a cool and together me that is better prepared to talk. (don't get me wrong - i've participated in my share of heated arguments). finally,
i have a hard time giving myself permission to react. often this means that i run stories by my friends in order to confirm my right to be upset. looking back, i think that this has weakened the bond in my romantic relationships, as i've spent more time figuring out what was going wrong by talking with my friends that with the other person in the relationship... hmm... an "ah-ha" moment

so my current frustration is learning to be more in tune with my emotions and using those instincts to act. over the past several months i've sat quiet when confused or hurt or even overwhelmed with joy, only to think of an appropriate response hours or even days later... in many ways i'm still the socially awkward girl (will she ever leave?) who doesn't have the "right" responses, who doesn't know how to deal with male attention, and is afraid of not appearing sweet/friendly/giving.

i have a lot to work on...

WTF!?!?!?!

http://themoment.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/07/made-in-africa/

daydreaming

i see love everywhere... the couples who laugh with each other over coffee. who kiss in the car in front of me at a stoplight. who walk the dog through town lake at the end of the day. the men whose faces glow as they say goodbye at the airport. the guy who strokes his girlfriend's hair ...and it makes me smile

i can't help but be distracted by all the shades of green that color the hills on my drive home. the flowers growing on the sides of the road. how the light reflects off the tall building on 2222 near mopac (especially in the early evening). the vivid sunsets that change with every second and last only briefly. the stars that mark the sky at night... i am reminded that there are bigger things in life than bills and books and dissertations

i miss love. sometimes i crave it. waking up in the middle of the night and feeling the heat of another person... hearing them breathe. sharing jokes in bed the next morning. curling up in front of a movie. knowing that someone cares to hear how your day went... and having someone, in just a sentence, make you feel special in a way that no grade/parent/friend/new pair of shoes can... i miss how the energy from knowing someone "likes" you gets you through the day... the potential emotional stability and security it brings. the regularity... i miss kisses that come without warning. laughing. exchanging smiles.

i miss the surprise of my last love that happened briefly with a cuban. though i'm still in recovery, i miss the intensity of the early moments of my second love. but i miss the depth of my first love the most - the one that outlasted the honeymoon phase, yet still made me glow years later; that gave me life lessons i still practice today; that taught me that love has to be built, nurtured, and fought for...

and i've been frustrated because i felt that i might have been close to it again. but the reality is that i'm getting ready to travel in and out of the country for the next year. and the reality is sobering... i may not see love for awhile. and i'll admit that the thought - the uncertainty terrifies me... but someday love and i will cross paths again

so for now i dream... and wait patiently

tonight, i told my friend that my cynicism regarding relationships was a reflection of the "realist" in me. she responded me that it was more of a defense mechanism. damn, it's crazy to be called out sometimes...

last night i put on my "favorite" heels (they're all my favorite), leggings, and a little grey number i picked up recently... drove downtown with high expectations.... embraced my cranberry vodka... and spent the night dancing to a live performance by maneja beto with my favorite women in austin and my sister... i couldn't imagine a more perfect night out

how would we understand love if we didn't have movies and television shows to package it for us? maybe we are just performing what has been dished to us our whole lives...

my latest experiment/hobby: photojournaling... check me out!

http://tkphotodiary.blogspot.com/

they say that God may not pull you out of it, but He will pull you through it...

yesterday i broke down in church because i realized that, after 9 months of studying and stressing, my exams had passed. and i hadn't barely passed; i had done really well. my professors were impressed with my written work and told me that i should "commend" myself for a "job well done." (for anyone who has not "experienced" grad school - there is nothing crazier than having your professors give such direct, positive feedback). they and all of my friends and family kept telling me to celebrate. yet found myself deeply ambivalent... partially happy, partially worried about what to do with all of my free time and wondering what to do next... but mostly numb... and on sunday, when Reverend Pringle sang "i won't complain," as he has since i was in grade school, i experienced a reaction that i hadn't anticipated. i was not happy that i had passed, but proud that i had made it through the journey - amazed that i had survived the very real and scary low points of the past months (especially march).

...and so very grateful.

what is the world coming to?

Please check this articles out:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/30/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/30breathalyzerct.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

I find it interesting that the assumed solution to social problems is the development of new mechanisms through which to "police" individuals. The link above discusses the recent move by many schools to use breathalyzers to test whether or not their students have been drinking. Some test students before entering school dances; others check students who appear to have been drinking during the school day. I wonder how they think invoking fear of punishment solves the "problem" at hand.

This raises two issues. First, forms of punishment and control do nothing to eliminate the deeper issues that lead teenagers to drink in the first place. I remember first getting drunk when I was sixteen at a house party. My friend's mother frequently left her and her brother alone on Friday or Saturday nights. She saw the empty house as an opportunity to invite people over to use drugs and drink. We were too excited to act a fool and engage in these forbidden behaviors. Looking back, I have no idea how we even got the alcohol, aside from giving someone money and requests to get what we wanted. Even scarier is that I experienced a mild form of alcohol poisoning when I first got drunk (I still can't stand Captain Morgan's rum or pepsi). That night, I was so far gone that I couldn't think, walk (I fell down the stairs without realizing it), talk, or see clearly. I could've easily been raped, and I have no idea if the person who drove me home had been drinking.

I was lucky. Aside from waking up with a headache the next morning, I was alive and healthy. My early experimentation with liquor did not overlap an addictive personality or issues of depression that might have that led to habitual binging or alcoholism. Drinking did not become a way for me to self-medicate, and (for the most part) I quickly learned my limit when going out. Others have not been so fortunate.

Second, school attempts to regulate underage drinking through punishment reflects a disconnection of school administrators and parents from teenagers. Maybe they have forgotten how hard high school can be, when our bodies are changing, every test/fight/breakup seems like the end of the world, and we are children struggling to become adults. What is needed is more attention to the individual and their personal needs rather than dismissing teenagers as "problem students." They need to be listened to, heard, and validated. They need services and programs to cultivate their talents and interests. They need for adults to be open to talking about serious issues, proper education on drinking and drugs, and someone who can give them a safe ride home without fearing repercussions.

i put little pieces of paper all over my apartment telling me to move on
i talked to my friends about why the situation was wrong, and why ending things now was secretly a blessing in disguise
and they all agreed with me... but i didn't...

a woman i spoke with the other day pointed out that i seemed "disappointed" - using THE perfect word to illustrate how i feel... i am overwhelmed with disappointment

he said he didn't think that i would even go on a second date with him. that he was surprised i kept coming around. that he didn't think i would take a serious relationship with him seriously...
it makes me sad to think that he didn't know that i was completely blown away by him... days later i would and do continue to think through bits of our conversations on raising children and fighting inequality and Christianity
i admire that on our first date he put all of the deep and heavy parts of his life on the table
i think his band is amazing, and find it awesome that he finds so much potential in his students
and i could go on and on, but i'd only be torturing myself...

he told me that i had "a lot going on"; that he wanted something serious that would lead to kids in the near future, and that he wasn't ready to deal with me leaving for a year
and it made sense, sort of... part of me wonders if he was being completely honest, because i've always believed if you want things to work, if you really believe in something, you will take the risk... but, then again, I'VE always been the one to leave - for the summer, for the semester, for a year... and until this conversation i had never really thought about how the other person felt
so i don't blame him

this happened over two weeks ago - almost three weeks - and i'd only known him for five...
and the crazy thing is that meeting him made me realize that my friend abroad is not the one, which sacred me because it made me afraid that i'd regret not trying to push things... but i don't believe in fighting someone over something they clearly don't want

part of me feels that my frustration stems from anxieties over lacking a solid "base" and the desire to maintain a consistent connection with another person [side note: i am terrified of leaving the country for a year and returning to write my dissertation with no requirements for where i live. my grad school friends will be scattered across the country doing their work. my high school friends have established lives and families. my college friends live all over the country. worst of all, deKalb is no longer "home" beyond the comfort of my parents house... i feel as though i belong nowhere]

but another part of me says - no, you established a connection with someone that made you look at things differently; someone with whom, for once, you could be all of your quirky selves with; someone who acknowledged that their journey had been hard, and that they were still growing; someone who thinks outside the box, sees the good in every person, and has his own sense of style/taste
and it's not that i was in love, but that i was completely wide open with curiosity

i find myself fighting the thought that it is over. then i get mad for wasting time torturing myself. i hate waking up sad. i feel stupid for still thinking about this almost three weeks later. and i envy those who seem to have their personal lives together... i need to move on

i've got it figured out - for now...

i've been thinking about what it is that i "like," and i've identified at least four:
1. traveling & exploring new places, figuring out the intricacies of now so new ones...
2. food! mainly trying new restaurants, but also making new foods
3. art... especially painting and photography ... when i finish my exams, i'm going to buy a new camera and start exploring...
4. movies/music...

so maybe i'm not as lost as i thought i was - just in hiding... :)

i was on the verge of tears... and ready to quit...

i've done a lot in my 24 years, but i'd like to give myself permission to just stop - at least for a few moments.

i'm in the process of studying for these exams - 25 books from finishing my reading list of almost 150. academia is isolating. and unhealthy. i've realized recently that i don't really know myself outside of my work anymore. twice in the past month i was asked if i had any hobbies... i always thought of my research as my hobby... it is, after all, my craft. but the problem is that there is little difference between my research and my (future) career. i don't know what else i'd like to do with my time - social activism? can that be my hobby? (my friend said no). well i don't know what else to do with my time... i read, i work, and i go to class. that is my life right now. and after it is over, i will probably take a short break, watch some tv, maybe even go to the mall... and then go back to work, research, and class...

aside for the occasional night out, i don't know what to do with my free time...

have you ever met a man whose aura attracted you so forcefully that even looking at his profile picture seemed to physically suck you in? it just gives me chills...

dem presidential debates @ SC

so i watched the debates last night. at least a third of it was a waste of time... and painful. Clinton and Obama fighting like two twelve-year-olds... Edwards was on point, yet even the moderator treated him like an underdog. Obama skirted the issues... and (at least for me) it wasn't about him acknowledging his wrongdoings so that we might like him less, but so that he could stand up for himself by being honest and suggesting that he had nothing to hide... i still don't understand what the difference between the 3 "universal" healthcare plans are. i still don't like Clinton. and i still don't understand why Edwards' poignant critique of predatory lenders and plan to eliminate poverty has been overlooked. however, it was interesting to see Edwards and Clinton (hers was SO half-ass) play the race card by identifying issues that affected blacks in that sort of liberal, "i'm down and understand the issues" manner... people across the would be screaming if Obama started going off about racism being institutional in the same manner as Edwards... i'm going to give it one last shop next week... i hope to never see a debate like last night again

hello 2008?

it's a "new" year, yet i don't feel like i'm beginning anything... maybe it's because i'm in the middle of a journey - studying for exams, brushing up on my portuguese, and leaving austin... and while the finish line (of this stage) is quickly approaching, i feel unprepared and terrified. but God has blessed me with another year, so here's what i'm hoping for in 2008 (my resolutions):

1. pay off unnecessary debit (i.e. credit cards and car note) by May -- easy
2. eat fruits and vegetables ... and drink water -- not-so-easy
3. put in the work to become the scholar of my dreams, and move beyond fantasies and procrastinating -- hard
4. reconnect with my quirky interests: experimenting with music, watching indie films, and entertaining my artsy side
5. (dare i say it) embrace life as an adventure... and write about it


easier said than done. this new year is getting more exciting by the minute... plus i'm turning 25 in august!!!

which reminds me of resolution #6 - i want my gift to be me in my best "shape" possible by 25

making the transition...

i wish i'd never permed my hair. i had gorgeous hair. it was long and thick... but i was so sensitive that a RAN from combs. in fifth grade, my mother decided she couldn't take it any more and straightened it permanently [is that were "perm" comes from?] i remember feeling grown up, like i had joined a new social club for black women. no more lil'-girl ponytails.
but it broke off; at one point my hair barely brushed my shoulders. i think i slowly started to adjust to styling my hair in high school. in my first driver's license, it fell past my collarbones. at Spelman i recognized the beauty of the hair salon and a fresh style - walking down the street with your hair flowing in the wind, trying to make it look as full as possible, and experimenting with highlights (during which it promptly broke off again.... and yet again my first year in grad school when i dyed my entire head auburn... but it was cute though). i tried to "grow it out" several times, but gave up each time the summer humidity left me feeling like a walking puff. but this time i think - i hope - that i'm serious. i'm no longer in love with my perm, but i'm terrified of being without it... correction - i'm afraid of cutting it off and having short hair for the first time in my life; afraid of being outside of society's norm. i'm afraid of the transition...

from november 28th...

i'm in an odd place now... i keep having these urges to express myself creatively, and i usually roll my eyes when i hear the word, "creative." something about my current process/stage of graduate school is stifling my creativity. i just need to find a way to express it... without shopping