moya made a really good point yesterday - that we "activist-intellectuals"/quirkyblackgirls tend to cultivate separate spaces in which we preserve our sanity in a very fucked up patriarchal, racist, etc., etc.... capitalist and genocidal society. it is so much easier to bitch about the world with my progressive friends than to challenge my more conservative friends and family members. it is easier to blog about the men and teenage boys that harass my sister and i walking to the train station than to confront them (and also, sadly, safer). the problem is that this does nothing to change the "outside" world. so what do i (and we) do?

first, as brainstormed by moya and i, we need to plan a guerrilla movement against patriarchy in the black community by bombarding radio stations across the country. no intellectual jargon. no citing books that they should be reading. just some some simple - r&b is fucked up because it only teaches women to live for another man rather than themselves and each other; why is it okay for kanye to defend gay rights (which is important) but then denigrate women in his lyrics; when did men start trying to get a woman's attention by yelling out the color of her shirt or interrupting her while on the phone; and why does my fear for my safety keep me for calling men out on their bullshit...

second, the more that i travel and witness gentrification, poverty and struggle, extreme wealth, and a common, deep-rooted unhappiness that is temporarily quelled by material attainment, the more i realize that the system we're in is not working. now i'm not an anarchist (though i can relate to their frustrations), and i usually roll my eyes when i hear talk of a "revolution" (whatever that has come to mean), but the world needs a serious change that is light years beyond what obama has to offer. as much as a college education can give an individual/family/community, it will not end racism (as demonstrated by a recent incident in manhattan, my friend and i can be two doctoral students with master's degrees, but, in the eyes of the server, we're still just two black kids who will probably skip the bill). voting will not stop men from grabbing at women as they walk down the street or in the club, and then calling them at bitch for not responding. furthermore, a black man in the whitehouse is not going to make people love themselves and treat each other with genuine respect and compassion.

no, what we need is to acknowledge the ways in which our own greed (mine included) contributes to maintaining systemic inequalities. but this is hard. to quote erykah and many others - the media constantly tells us live our lives through fear and consumption. so, i overlook the reality that my clothes are made by the hands of poor women and children working in sweatshops because i know how good i'll look walking down the street. i tell myself that i can't afford to give money to spelman, and i cringe when i give my student money to help take care of her tuition, yet i am already searching for the perfect winter boots.


i'm not saying that we can't enjoy things... just that we need to acknowledge where
the need to constantly consume comes from; that our possession of material things does not give us the right to judge other people; that we need to be more eco/human-friendly in our consumption habits; and that such an inequitable distribution of wealth which exists in our world is immoral and - dare i say it - unGodly...

so... i've been thinking about this a lot lately, and i think i'm going to work really hard to make the following changes:
1. stop supporting big businesses whenever possible - especially starbucks (sigh) - and instead support local restaurants, coffee shops, bookstores, clothing and music stores, etc.
2. buy the majority of my clothes from second-hand stores... and stop shopping for the rest of the year
3. work towards giving money that i would normally waste on material things to causes that are important, like Spelman and College Forward (collegeforward.org)
4. becoming more eco-friendly by not buying bottled water, purchasing drinks @ coffee shops that come in plastic container, etc.
5. again pursue my goals of self love and love of others... this means not acting on my insecurities, engaging in petty gossip (so, so, SO hard), and sitting silent when people make ignorant statements about other racial/ethnic groups, classes, or people who engage in non-heterosexual practices

if the "revolution" is ever going to come, it needs to start at home.

note #1: i am not walking unless it involves walking to and from a bus or subway station...
note #2: i have great friends. i wish i could pack them up and take them to cuba with me...

thoughts...

i heart new york
i miss the boy
hair politics are real
i can't wait to get to brooklyn
money goes SO fast here
the subway is the best
being surrounded by people all of the time is great
maybe i do love academia
i miss the boy
my mother is slowly (very, very slowly) realizing that our safety is not in her control
can't wait to turn 25
should a take a year off?
new york or chicago? apples and oranges?
i'm really going back to cuba... again
i still miss the boy
maybe i should move to new york
history is cool

i am 100% happy... thank u God

earlier this week i was riding on the bus through harlem, sitting next to these two beautiful children and their grandmother. the girl reminded me a lot of myself when i was about four or five: wide-eyed, talkative, and extremely inquisitive. she asked questions about everything from why certain people wore certain kinds of hats to whether or not she'd be able to eat her favorite food for dinner. i smiled and couldn't help but watch her in action. her brother was equally active and loud, but (slightly) less talkative. the grandmother seemed agitated... and, though it took me a minute to recognize why, i felt that something about the dynamic was problematic. the grandmother kept fussing at the brother and sister, but most of her frustration seemed to be directed toward the little girl. she kept telling her not to be so loud, yet the little boy was talking at the exact same level. then she told the little girl, "you're a girl. you shouldn't talk so loud." and, of course, the little girl ignored her, yet i couldn't help but wonder how such words will shape her as she becomes a teen and grows into a woman.

i want to propose that patriarchy be considered a form of abuse... that conditioning little girls to behave in a way different from their male counterparts and against their instincts is a conscious way of teaching both boys and girls that girls are inferior, and that their only hope for "positive" social recognition is to distort themselves.... becoming a person who often feels insincere, unrecognizable, incomplete, and/or lost. it is the process through which we come to sacrifice our dreams, urges, and desires to accommodate other people. even more amazing - it is the process through which we learn come to see this unhealthy state of thinking and being as normal, and then police other people who challenge our ascribed roles.

patriarchal abuse is cyclical, passed down with each generation. it is why similar types of unhealthy relationships reappear over and over again. it is done to us by our family and friends, and we do it to each other.

patriarchal abuse is why black men who don't fit the ascribed model of masculinity walk around in pain because they are often unable to feel comfortable around men who seem more adept. why men who seem to fit the model feel it appropriate to become violent with their energy, words, thoughts, and even hands when made uncomfortable by men who don't.

patriarchal abuse teaches boys and girls to measure their social value by the number of people they have slept with, allowing men to achieve their "manhood" through sexual conquests while women are made to feel guilty for each partner. it permits a healthy dialogue around sex, female empowerment/entitlement, and sexual health. it demands one model for relationships: monogamous, heterosexual unions leading to marriage.

patriarchal abuse occurs not just when a girl is physically violated and verbally accosted, but also every time that a girl is told to be quiet, keep her legs closed, not speak her mind, be friendly, change her appearance to be more acceptable, etc., etc.

patriarchal abuse it stifles our creative potential for imagining and creating an alternative world, one that promotes true self love and love of others. one that would liberate us from materialism (i'm far from making the break).

i want to find a way to raise my children differently, but i'm not sure that it's possible...

so, i'm headed for NY in a few hours... headed to a foreign city (i've only been twice for several days at a time) to continue my research for the next month or so... and i've learned, after living in austin, that cities are meant to be taken full advantage of. so a few goals:

1) explore EVERY cool museum & art show i can afford (especially the Met, MoMA, International Center of Photography, and the BK Museum)
2) run in central park each morning
3) find a place to continue yoga...
4) catch a show on/off broadway
5) get a good cut @ a natural hair salon
6) salsa nights, electronica/rock shows always...
7) comb every vintage shop i have time for

yes, i am a nerd for making a list. however, this is my one of my last stops before returning to Cuba in the fall...

they are no longer my students... officially high school graduates
they're nervous and excited for the future
we all worked hard over the past two years, and now they've realized that they're dreams are possible
i wish them the best
i feel like a proud mamma

today i briefly chatted online with a friend... who directed me to a new rap video on youtube. he explained that he'd been playing it at least once day. i asked what it was about. "anger," he responded, referring to black men's rage. so i looked it up and listened to it... anger with the police and government. anger about racism... but to be honest, (at least today) i'm tired of angry black masculinity. because it never fails to silence and ignore the struggles of black women. black women are getting beat and raped everyday. the state affects us, too. the media tells us that we're not shit either. so why should i embrace a hip hop that is as much a space for me as the rest of society...

i've noticed lately that a lot of people don't know what to do with black women... black men included. it's as though they assume that we are inherently hostile, angry, and aggressive; like any encounter with us will be unpleasant. Michelle Obama was on The View today, and the aol story focused on how she used the opportunity to "soften " her image as an unpatriotic, angryblackwoman. at no point did they mention that Cindy McCain was on the same show a month earlier... is it possible that America's discomfort with black women might hinder the election of a black male president? food for thought and discussion...

i've experienced a lot of anxiety these past months anticipating the changes that are to come... it's made me feel like an emotional mess - high with laughter one moment, bawling in a corner the next. however, right now i've returned to a old, familiar position - peace... nothing extreme, just a moment of being content with where i sit in the present, how i feel physically an emotionally connected to myself, people, and the earth. it makes me feel grateful...

i am craving black people! i keep fantasizing about a cookout, with grilled beef ribs, kosher hot dogs, chicken and somebody's homemade bbq sauce. blue kool aid in a jug with chunks of fruit floating at the top. uncles smoking black and milds and wearing past family reunion t-shirts. talking shit over dominoes and spades. little kids making noise running around and practicing the latest dance moves. homemade potato salad. everyone bobbing their heads to music ranging from jill to r kelly to the isley brothers to sam cooke...

another rant about love

because love seems to be occupying a large portion of my time... i'm going to keep writing about it until my thoughts shift to something different...

so i've been thinking a lot about how i behave in relationships... unconsciously guarded and a bit defensive. patriarchy teaches girls that our goal is to be liked. to be sweet and friendly and giving. i've struggled with this all my life. contrary to what a lot of people seem to think during our first encounters, i'm really not that sweet. i can be sarcastic and snobbish. i'm beyond the point of faking friendliness (except for those RARE moments when i'm in a professional setting). don't get me wrong. i am sincere when friendly. but i avoid smalltalk like the plague. i feel awkward when meeting new people and take a looong time to open up. fitting the mold of a girl/woman that people enjoy being around - with the exception of my friends - is draining, as i constantly feel that i'm walking a tightrope of conformity.

anyway, my point is that i feel like we/people are programed to perform certain roles, and i often find myself reaching into some memory bank to retrieve the appropriate response to various situations (visually referencing friends and associates' experiences, tv, and even movies). when unable to find a response i shut down. the hard part is identifying the appropriate emotion, giving myself permission to feel such a way, and then deciding what action is best to take. this has both helped and hurt my past relationships in various ways. first, i pick my battles. when reevaluating a situation, i often decide that it's not "that serious." i've let myself get walked over a lot for this, but i've also trained myself to avoid petty arguments, sort of... second, i rarely am able to fight on the spot. i shut down, confused, and need alone time to examine what has just happened before talking. i think that this has driven many of men crazy. but when i'm ready, they get a cool and together me that is better prepared to talk. (don't get me wrong - i've participated in my share of heated arguments). finally,
i have a hard time giving myself permission to react. often this means that i run stories by my friends in order to confirm my right to be upset. looking back, i think that this has weakened the bond in my romantic relationships, as i've spent more time figuring out what was going wrong by talking with my friends that with the other person in the relationship... hmm... an "ah-ha" moment

so my current frustration is learning to be more in tune with my emotions and using those instincts to act. over the past several months i've sat quiet when confused or hurt or even overwhelmed with joy, only to think of an appropriate response hours or even days later... in many ways i'm still the socially awkward girl (will she ever leave?) who doesn't have the "right" responses, who doesn't know how to deal with male attention, and is afraid of not appearing sweet/friendly/giving.

i have a lot to work on...

WTF!?!?!?!

http://themoment.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/07/made-in-africa/

daydreaming

i see love everywhere... the couples who laugh with each other over coffee. who kiss in the car in front of me at a stoplight. who walk the dog through town lake at the end of the day. the men whose faces glow as they say goodbye at the airport. the guy who strokes his girlfriend's hair ...and it makes me smile

i can't help but be distracted by all the shades of green that color the hills on my drive home. the flowers growing on the sides of the road. how the light reflects off the tall building on 2222 near mopac (especially in the early evening). the vivid sunsets that change with every second and last only briefly. the stars that mark the sky at night... i am reminded that there are bigger things in life than bills and books and dissertations

i miss love. sometimes i crave it. waking up in the middle of the night and feeling the heat of another person... hearing them breathe. sharing jokes in bed the next morning. curling up in front of a movie. knowing that someone cares to hear how your day went... and having someone, in just a sentence, make you feel special in a way that no grade/parent/friend/new pair of shoes can... i miss how the energy from knowing someone "likes" you gets you through the day... the potential emotional stability and security it brings. the regularity... i miss kisses that come without warning. laughing. exchanging smiles.

i miss the surprise of my last love that happened briefly with a cuban. though i'm still in recovery, i miss the intensity of the early moments of my second love. but i miss the depth of my first love the most - the one that outlasted the honeymoon phase, yet still made me glow years later; that gave me life lessons i still practice today; that taught me that love has to be built, nurtured, and fought for...

and i've been frustrated because i felt that i might have been close to it again. but the reality is that i'm getting ready to travel in and out of the country for the next year. and the reality is sobering... i may not see love for awhile. and i'll admit that the thought - the uncertainty terrifies me... but someday love and i will cross paths again

so for now i dream... and wait patiently

tonight, i told my friend that my cynicism regarding relationships was a reflection of the "realist" in me. she responded me that it was more of a defense mechanism. damn, it's crazy to be called out sometimes...

last night i put on my "favorite" heels (they're all my favorite), leggings, and a little grey number i picked up recently... drove downtown with high expectations.... embraced my cranberry vodka... and spent the night dancing to a live performance by maneja beto with my favorite women in austin and my sister... i couldn't imagine a more perfect night out

how would we understand love if we didn't have movies and television shows to package it for us? maybe we are just performing what has been dished to us our whole lives...

my latest experiment/hobby: photojournaling... check me out!

http://tkphotodiary.blogspot.com/

they say that God may not pull you out of it, but He will pull you through it...

yesterday i broke down in church because i realized that, after 9 months of studying and stressing, my exams had passed. and i hadn't barely passed; i had done really well. my professors were impressed with my written work and told me that i should "commend" myself for a "job well done." (for anyone who has not "experienced" grad school - there is nothing crazier than having your professors give such direct, positive feedback). they and all of my friends and family kept telling me to celebrate. yet found myself deeply ambivalent... partially happy, partially worried about what to do with all of my free time and wondering what to do next... but mostly numb... and on sunday, when Reverend Pringle sang "i won't complain," as he has since i was in grade school, i experienced a reaction that i hadn't anticipated. i was not happy that i had passed, but proud that i had made it through the journey - amazed that i had survived the very real and scary low points of the past months (especially march).

...and so very grateful.

what is the world coming to?

Please check this articles out:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/30/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/30breathalyzerct.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

I find it interesting that the assumed solution to social problems is the development of new mechanisms through which to "police" individuals. The link above discusses the recent move by many schools to use breathalyzers to test whether or not their students have been drinking. Some test students before entering school dances; others check students who appear to have been drinking during the school day. I wonder how they think invoking fear of punishment solves the "problem" at hand.

This raises two issues. First, forms of punishment and control do nothing to eliminate the deeper issues that lead teenagers to drink in the first place. I remember first getting drunk when I was sixteen at a house party. My friend's mother frequently left her and her brother alone on Friday or Saturday nights. She saw the empty house as an opportunity to invite people over to use drugs and drink. We were too excited to act a fool and engage in these forbidden behaviors. Looking back, I have no idea how we even got the alcohol, aside from giving someone money and requests to get what we wanted. Even scarier is that I experienced a mild form of alcohol poisoning when I first got drunk (I still can't stand Captain Morgan's rum or pepsi). That night, I was so far gone that I couldn't think, walk (I fell down the stairs without realizing it), talk, or see clearly. I could've easily been raped, and I have no idea if the person who drove me home had been drinking.

I was lucky. Aside from waking up with a headache the next morning, I was alive and healthy. My early experimentation with liquor did not overlap an addictive personality or issues of depression that might have that led to habitual binging or alcoholism. Drinking did not become a way for me to self-medicate, and (for the most part) I quickly learned my limit when going out. Others have not been so fortunate.

Second, school attempts to regulate underage drinking through punishment reflects a disconnection of school administrators and parents from teenagers. Maybe they have forgotten how hard high school can be, when our bodies are changing, every test/fight/breakup seems like the end of the world, and we are children struggling to become adults. What is needed is more attention to the individual and their personal needs rather than dismissing teenagers as "problem students." They need to be listened to, heard, and validated. They need services and programs to cultivate their talents and interests. They need for adults to be open to talking about serious issues, proper education on drinking and drugs, and someone who can give them a safe ride home without fearing repercussions.

i put little pieces of paper all over my apartment telling me to move on
i talked to my friends about why the situation was wrong, and why ending things now was secretly a blessing in disguise
and they all agreed with me... but i didn't...

a woman i spoke with the other day pointed out that i seemed "disappointed" - using THE perfect word to illustrate how i feel... i am overwhelmed with disappointment

he said he didn't think that i would even go on a second date with him. that he was surprised i kept coming around. that he didn't think i would take a serious relationship with him seriously...
it makes me sad to think that he didn't know that i was completely blown away by him... days later i would and do continue to think through bits of our conversations on raising children and fighting inequality and Christianity
i admire that on our first date he put all of the deep and heavy parts of his life on the table
i think his band is amazing, and find it awesome that he finds so much potential in his students
and i could go on and on, but i'd only be torturing myself...

he told me that i had "a lot going on"; that he wanted something serious that would lead to kids in the near future, and that he wasn't ready to deal with me leaving for a year
and it made sense, sort of... part of me wonders if he was being completely honest, because i've always believed if you want things to work, if you really believe in something, you will take the risk... but, then again, I'VE always been the one to leave - for the summer, for the semester, for a year... and until this conversation i had never really thought about how the other person felt
so i don't blame him

this happened over two weeks ago - almost three weeks - and i'd only known him for five...
and the crazy thing is that meeting him made me realize that my friend abroad is not the one, which sacred me because it made me afraid that i'd regret not trying to push things... but i don't believe in fighting someone over something they clearly don't want

part of me feels that my frustration stems from anxieties over lacking a solid "base" and the desire to maintain a consistent connection with another person [side note: i am terrified of leaving the country for a year and returning to write my dissertation with no requirements for where i live. my grad school friends will be scattered across the country doing their work. my high school friends have established lives and families. my college friends live all over the country. worst of all, deKalb is no longer "home" beyond the comfort of my parents house... i feel as though i belong nowhere]

but another part of me says - no, you established a connection with someone that made you look at things differently; someone with whom, for once, you could be all of your quirky selves with; someone who acknowledged that their journey had been hard, and that they were still growing; someone who thinks outside the box, sees the good in every person, and has his own sense of style/taste
and it's not that i was in love, but that i was completely wide open with curiosity

i find myself fighting the thought that it is over. then i get mad for wasting time torturing myself. i hate waking up sad. i feel stupid for still thinking about this almost three weeks later. and i envy those who seem to have their personal lives together... i need to move on