breathe...

what would it mean for me to fail?

does failure even exist?

maybe i already have...

i'm fighting the urge to stay on track and accomplish my goal...

not sure if things are getting tough because they're evaluating whether or not i'm up for the challenge... or because i'm just not qualified.

fear is a bitch

none of this is real

i'm tempted to walk away, but am more afraid of the regrets i might have a year from now

so, for now, i'll keep trying... but my heart isn't in it

random thoughts

i am happy and at peace

when you focus on the good things everything is so much better

my competitive side stresses me out sometimes, but i enjoy the rush

late spring showers - last night/this morning brought the worst storm i've experienced so far in 2010... like the kind where you hear the thunder slowly catching up to the lightning that almost renders your blinds useless... i heard a HUGE clap of thunder at 3:27am, which shook me out of a strange dream, and i jumped at least a foot into the air... it was so intense that at first i thought the lightning had touched down. then the oddest-sounding alarm went off. i jumped (again - all of this happened within 45 seconds) and fell out of bed onto the floor. delirious, yet wide awake, i grabbed my pillow and comforter and decided to fall asleep in front of the tv... woke up at 9:30 to the sound of the alarm going off (yet again), threw on a random assortment of clothing, my keys, and phone to make sure that there was no fire/whatever the alarm might be for... quite an amusing way to being my Wednesday morning - me with my wrap half falling apart, talking to my random neighbors standing outside under the grey sky because - even once we figured out that there was no emergency - the alarm was too loud to sit inside. odd... but entertaining.

okay, so... time to introduce my love interest to the blog... (this is a bit scary)

well, i met a man almost two months ago. i was about five weeks out of my previous relationship... finally at peace with being single again but not yet looking for something new. open to making friends. happy with the occasional flirtatious exchange. enjoying the company of girlfriends and beginning (very much beginning) to consider life as an adventure (a passion that gradually had been lost during '09).

i was at salsa night. running late to the 9:30 lesson as usual. wearing jeans and a green top. i felt super cute. and i was super happy. everyone at the lesson paired up and took turns rotating so that we could practice the new steps as we got to know each other. and i remember meeting him. i think we were learning the "ladies turn." he had this sparkle in his eye - a rare sweet innocence from a person happy and fully open to meeting another. i thought he was cute... but i left it at that.

i remember talking to him briefly later that night. my friend was excited that he planned to visit the Dominican Republic this summer -- a country she soon plans to visit for research. the three of us got to talking about him being new in town and wanting to meet new people. we invited him to happy hour and exchanged numbers. and i left that night happy to having made a new friend.

but the friends thing didn't last very long... i slowly (very slowly) realized that he had become interested in me... and quickly became interested in him... realized from our conversations what i had been missing in my previous relationship - someone who was spiritual, driven, happy, and passionate about life. i found myself excited about experiencing things with him, like watching our favorite movies together, visiting new places, and creating adventures.

i pushed him away because i was afraid of being hurt and hurting him. my ex was still looming in the background and everything just felt so messy and complicated. then i decided to take the first step towards bravery - ended things with my ex for good and opened myself to the possibility of someone new...

i admire his bravery for wanting to spend time with me - a very confused woman still letting go of my baggage from past relationships (and working very hard not to make him suffer for it), terrified of getting hurt, and constantly questioning my own judgement. but i am also inspired to return to the hopeless romantic self that i was a year ago. i want love and i want to build a foundation with someone. i want to embrace my idealistic leanings and to let go of my worries and insecurities... i want to be brave enough to trust and to fall deeply into love...

last weekend, while at my house, i looked into his eyes and felt love... all-consuming, blind to the world's pain, and deeply fulfilling love. it was so intense that i felt myself overcome with emotion. i turned away, tempted to cry to release it all... but i didn't cry, and that split second scared the shit out of me.

there are aspects of connecting with another human being that i had all but forgotten until meeting him: gazing into a person's eyes, being unapologetically affectionate, having emotional security, and trusting a person's words (because what do words mean if you instantly second guess them?). this process has me slowly becoming the person that i want to be in love, and i want only to embrace it fully - without fears- so that i can savor each moment.

erykah and janelle have reinvented music again... why aren't people dancing in the streets?

i'm just not where i used to be... i'm somewhere better. reflecting. rethinking. (re)imagining.

the sky is blue and again. fresh-cut grass and flowers smell. food tastes beautifully complex. music takes a good mood to the next level.

i can get high off the energy of other people.

i feel like a babe learning to walk. i am cautious, but curious and excited. and - slowly - i'm learning to be optimistic about love again.

i told him that i didn't believe we could be together without me being in pain. part of me doubts myself; another part knows that - at least for now - i did what i had to do... i had worked hard to pull myself out of the depression that our relationship had brought on. and i had become well again... learned to be happy even. and, for the first time in months, i was having fun and embracing life as an adventure without feeling the pressures of getting married or having babies. i was caught up in the moment of life and it felt good. ...then he showed up expecting things to resolve as normal. not only was i not ready; i had begun to expect other things in a relationship (like adventure, being happy with life, being spiritual rather than a sarcastic atheist)... and i couldn't "go back." so we fought for more than two weeks. and i got fed up with trying to communicate my needs (like prove to me that you want me in your life by making time to take me out on a date). he wouldn't. i got fed up. and by the time that he realized he was being selfish - it was too late. so now i'm on to reclaiming my happiness and enjoying the beauty of being alive and wonderful at 26. i am in the hands of God and the universe. pray for me, lol.

more and more each day i recognize the power of communication. funny as it may sound, i am beginning to understand that you have to TELL people what you are thinking... what you are feeling. you teach people how to treat you - good or bad. you connect with other people by sharing your feelings.

i have been (am) on a journey. my purpose: to deal with the discomfort of confronting emotions, and the guilt of refusing to address them with those closest to me. PDSs (public displays of sappiness) have always made me cringe. i allowed myself to cry only during "appropriate" moments - sad movies, oprah, funerals, etc. i have long valued being rational rather than emotional. and it's taken me 26 years to be able to use the words "it hurt me"... if only with myself.

i am learning that being emotional does not make me weak... nor does it lead to any embarrassing moments in front of my friends or family. rather, it's a necessary way to connect with myself and others. more importantly, "being emotional" helps maintain my sanity because i am acknowledging how my experiences affect me rather than suppressing or rationalizing the blessings and bullshit that life brings.

and i am (slowly) learning to be vulnerable.

this morning, without considering the consequences, i broke down crying on the phone with my ex. i was frustrated - had been for several days - and could no longer just think through the drama of trying to rebuild a broken relationship. then i did the unthinkable - i let him know how deeply my commitment to him once was. the coolest part is that i didn't care if he would reciprocate my sentiments (he didn't. i'll deal with that another day). i didn't even care about protecting myself emotionally. i just put myself out there. ...maybe it's because i know that he can't hurt me much more than he already has. that i survived the pain and forgave him. that if he hurts me again i'll bounce back again. but it is freeing to be able to share myself in this new way.

being vulnerable is scary. but sometimes it's best to purge - a moment of being brave enough to acknowledge what i'm feeling inside and to let someone in. so far, i'm enjoying this journey.

copied and pasted from the crunk feminist collective blog:

Frankly, the more I like me and my life, the more I’m convinced this whole marriage thing is overrated. Do I want a man? Yes. Sometimes. For some things. But on other days, I simply want me, a good book, and maybe the company of some close girlfriends.


(Amen).

i believe in love.

i believe in falling in love; in nourishing and cultivating something deep and fulfilling that can endure years...

but, when my romantic visions meet the actual relationships that i surround me, i become doubtful... when those initial romantic feelings transition into a RELATIONSHIP... at what cost do we keep "love" in our lives?

i'll admit it: my pessimistic outlook stems from my two previous relationships. the first had everything i thought i wanted, but ended when i realized that he was unable to deal with his demons in a healthy manner. the second left my cup more than full... until i realized that a relationship with no emotional commitment/stability was just a straw house... in both cases i realized that i had to move on because the emotional instability was (seriously) driving me crazy

beyond all of this, my frustration comes from the recognition of how gender roles allow men to selfishly pursue their dreams or deal/not deal with their baggage and be taken care of without having to reciprocate all of this in their relationships with women who deal with this "out of love." and so many acknowledge this imbalance and sometimes even feel entitled. i feel irritated by all of this bullshit in the popular culture that suggests men want forever be bachelors while women dream of being married from the age of 3 (which usually seems to be true) --- yet studies show that men live longer, healthier and happier lives when they marry while women are more likely to sacrifice their interests, die violently, and feel unsatisfied with their lives.

a woman i had drinks with recently told me that she was once demanding like me, but realized by her forties that compromises had to be made in order to have a relationship with a man - particularly a black man. compromises? i can make compromises - making dinner when he's tired, going hiking when i'd rather spend the day at the beach, etc., etc. ... and i'm all about being a person's cheerleader, nurse when they are sick, and keeping sex interesting...

but is it possible to compromise in a manner that is healthy for women in addition to men? what would this even look like? i'm not sure...

to be poor, of color, and a girl

there is a crisis among poor girls of color

they don't respect each other
they don't love themselves
they have few interests outside of fighting, texting/myspace, and dances (dances and boys are to be expected... maybe even the internet and phones)
they don't enjoy school - the place where they spend the majority of their time
in fact, they recognize that school is a toxic environment... yet they feel it's impossible to
change

what does this mean?

why are there police "offices" (stations) in middle schools?

if children are spending the majority of their weekdays at school, then school should be a potential site for transformation

maybe i'm being too idealistic. but something has to give

already mid-way into march... wow.
it's 2010... TWO THOUSAND AND TEN

this year, thus far, has been bumpy. i've experienced depression and anxiety; walked away from a relationship that meant everything to me; and pushed away people who - though they had my best interests at heart - were too much for me to handle in such an emotionally fragile state.

but all of this has forced me to reevaluate myself and my life: to learn to put myself first (still working on doing so without feeling selfish); tap into my emotional side over intellect (still working on it); drawing appropriate boundaries; and focusing on the moment rather than worrying about the future

and i feel good! for the first time in a looong time...

i was standing strong
and then he called
wanted to let me know that he was genuinely trying to think though "everything"
knocked me off my feet... see... i had worked so hard to draw from my anger and new expectations of future loves to help me move on... build a wall that would keep him from hurting me again
but then he called... and it was like he ripped the bandage off of a healing wound
so now i have hope again, and i am terrified of this feeling... i can't live my life hoping that someone will come around...
yet i don't want my pride to keep me from... whatever i'm too afraid to fantasize about happening

one day at a time. each day focusing on me: my happiness and becoming a better person by serving others...

poem for a mental & spiritual rebirth...

IN EVERY BREATH

in every breath
if you're the center
of your own desires
you'll lose the grace of your beloved

but if in every breath
you blow away
your self claim
the ecstasy of love
will soon arrive

in every breath
if you're the center
of your own thoughts
the sadness of autumn
will fall on you

but if in every breath
you strip naked
just like a winter
the joy of spring
will grow from within

all your impatience
comes from the push
for gain of patience
let go of the effort
and peace will arrive

all of your unfulfilled desires
are from your greed
for gain of fulfillments
let go of them all
and they will be sent as gifts

fall in love with
the agony of love
not the ecstasy
then the beloved
will fall in love with you

-rumi

i wish i was a songwriter.
wish i could write and sing the blues.
i think it's amazing that artists can take a single thought, a single mood and create something that speaks to people.
maybe a song could be my release...

my dad/father tells me to be positive; that i will receive a fellowship for next year.
i wonder why he never tells me to be positive about love.
is a career somehow more important than love? am i missing something?
why are we taught to pursue our dreams of careers and travel and making money... but never love?
why did no one ever teach me about love? i wish someone did...

i am going to be hopeful about love.
i'm going to think of love as a little surprise waiting for me... when i'm ready... when the universe decides that i'm ready.

i'd like to maintain this high until then - to know that it may be at the market, salsa night, or in my phone book.

and i'd like to continue feeling that i am worthy.

trust life...

giving myself permission to talk about the process is a big deal

what's to talk about?

hope or let go?
did it really happen, or was it all a dream?
what is a relationship?
and what is the difference between being in love and loving?

state of mind

so i'm going to be straight forward: it's light outside, but i'm in a dark place right now. been here for over a month. however... rather than hide, as i've been doing for the past couple of weeks, i'm going to use this blog to talk through everything until i get through it. so, here i go...

break ups suck, especially when - given slightly different circumstances - you'd be happy in love and living on an island of bliss... especially, when you didn't see the end coming until the road suddenly fell off

maybe it wasn't so sudden... maybe i was just trying to hard to see something else

what does love really mean, anyway?

i wish i could say that loneliness is new, but it really isn't.

not sure if i need a change of scene or a change of mind...

sleeping would be great, but i'm already rested

on my way out of town to spend the weekend looking at art - old and new. hopefully, a little inspiration...

finally pulled myself off the couch at out of my apartment
sipping peppermint tea
thinking about writing
i'd rather be in bed crying
but i guess it's better to keep moving - to keep moving with life
i am tired and i still have no appetite
but i want to get through this... the sooner the better
so i'm going to keep moving with life...

nearing 2010...

last night i started a new journal... wrote a detailed list of all that i had "experienced" in 2009... from traveling to cuba (again) and back... a short vacation in philly/d.c./nyc... three weeks of fabulous food, sites, and folk in brazil.... the death of my childhood friend, michael brown... and first birthday of my friend's daughter, isabella... spending several months at home in DeKalb, IL... the journey of a new relationship (both physically and emotionally)... and trying to understand love... a new job... writing my first dissertation chapter (and having it ripped apart a month later)... two weddings... salsa nights... yoga... much needed time with old and new friends... the death of my uncle... and morning the loss of lives... and, for the first time in a long time, questioning the meaning of life and my role here (i'll get back to you when i find an answer)... ... ... i realized several things while writing this list: i am very fortunate, i am strong and resilient, i am more of an optimist than i ever used to be... and i have lived a year full of life... for that i thank God...

why do we spend so much stressing, rather than standing confident in the reality that God and the universe has our backs?

i've been struggling to sleep through the night adjusting to a new apartment (and living alone again), meeting deadlines, and acquiring a job. yet, time and time again, everything comes through. every fantasy, every trip, every financial need, and every job. EVERYTHING...

i need to learn to truly trust in God and have full confidence in the order of the universe.